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Old 03-27-2008, 09:33 PM
 
342 posts, read 1,707,566 times
Reputation: 354

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Sorry, I didn't know where else to post this. I found myself unable to sleep the other night, so I started pouring my thoughts into my journal, and ended up with a poem. Mind you, I never write poetry voluntarily. In my head, it's more of a song than a poem. Just wondered what/how other people thought of or perceived it (so I know if it properly conveyed or captured my thoughts/feelings) and how it could be made better. And sorry it's rather somber. Again, it's the first time I've written anything other than the haikus and poems required in elementary school, and it's a bit intimidating to share something so personal and make it public. So please, be kind with your criticisms

4am

I turn
And feel the pain once again
You're not there
And never will be again

I look
And everyone seems a poser
Pretenders who don't know what's true
They're not you

The wave comes
I stand helpless, alone and stranded
So I let it take over
Feel the crash and take the blow
And I embrace it
Feel the pain in every inch
Let it resonate,
Touch my soul and change me

I ask
Seeking answers I'll never find
Something to fill
This empty hole

I lay
Waiting for sleep to lull me
Numb the pain
And erase the hurt

The tide ebbs,
I'm left hollow, searching for treasure past
A pretty shell
Lost the shine it once had
And I embrace it
Feel the pain in every inch
Let it resonate,
Touch my soul and change me

Last edited by vemureaux; 03-27-2008 at 09:43 PM..
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Old 03-27-2008, 10:28 PM
 
9,912 posts, read 12,830,490 times
Reputation: 7310
Love it!

Really captures a feeling and visual that I can relate to.
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Old 03-28-2008, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Atlanta suburb
4,728 posts, read 9,338,686 times
Reputation: 3476
Wink This is very strong and emotional. It would be a beautiful song!

Vemureaux, I think that this is a lovely, emotional poem. It really touched me and I could definitely feel your heartache over a love lost.

As the author, only you are capable of discerning if it captures or portrays your feelings accurately. We each develop our own emotions and thoughts when reading it. That is what a lovely, well written poem should do. Speak to each reader in a way that means something to the reader.

If it has strong meaning for you, I believe you have been quite successful.
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Old 03-29-2008, 01:43 AM
 
342 posts, read 1,707,566 times
Reputation: 354
Thanks moonshadow and gemkeeper for your kind and encouraging words. I really appreciate it.

After this little foray in poetry writing I have a newfound respect for poets who can evoke strong reactions in strangers with such few choice words. It's hard!!
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Old 03-29-2008, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Atlanta suburb
4,728 posts, read 9,338,686 times
Reputation: 3476
I suggest that you allow all of your creative juices flow, vemureaux. If your first poem is representative of what you can write, I think you should keep at it.

It was a unique poem in that many people can relate to your feelings in the writing, and those who can't receive a vivid picture of what one feels when they suffer a loss of love. I think it was stunning.
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Old 04-04-2008, 06:25 AM
 
Location: Pocono Mts.
9,483 posts, read 11,240,093 times
Reputation: 11422
My critique - it touched my soul and changed me! Great writing.
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Old 04-04-2008, 06:30 AM
 
Location: Sugar Grove, IL
3,131 posts, read 10,790,161 times
Reputation: 1619
Your poem is wonderful. You did a great job projecting your emotions. you should look for a place(magazine etc) to have it published!
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Old 04-04-2008, 06:59 AM
 
Location: Ava, Mo
774 posts, read 1,306,840 times
Reputation: 638
Great poem. It can mean much to many. I know my thoughts and emotions immediately were transported back to 1999 when my second husband was killed in an accident. Every person has pain inside them for the lose of something or someone and your words sure hit the nail on the head to the feeling of that loss.
You must keep writing. I know most of my poetry was written in the wee hours of the morning after a restless night. I guess that's when our minds work the best!
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Old 10-06-2013, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Illinois
2,415 posts, read 2,520,315 times
Reputation: 336
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamagator54 View Post
Great poem. It can mean much to many. I know my thoughts and emotions immediately were transported back to 1999 when my second husband was killed in an accident. Every person has pain inside them for the lose of something or someone and your words sure hit the nail on the head to the feeling of that loss.
You must keep writing. I know most of my poetry was written in the wee hours of the morning after a restless night. I guess that's when our minds work the best!
Emotion, a disaster for a relationship..........we know it.." could have been me."....that makes it work ...it suggests an idea for a song. Keep writing...Fiction might pay better but poetry might
save you .
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Old 10-06-2013, 12:17 PM
 
Location: USA
7,778 posts, read 10,797,679 times
Reputation: 11756
Your poem is perfection!
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