04/22/18

Here starts another day with you on my mind right away. Nowhere to be found in my day, but on my mind. Just another day to miss you and know in my heart that I am always going to miss you. I can't honestly say when the last we touched was. No kissing, no sex, not even seeing each other because I quit being the one to always go to you and that was the only way I got to see you because you don't want to sleep anywhere else or be uncomfortable. All I did the last year when we were together was make myself uncomfortable in the worst way possible just to be with you. For up to a week at a time in the rv, and you had zero empathy or appreciated what I went through to be with you. You just gave me ****. But YOU don't want to uncomfortable in a place with plumbing and electricity in our own bed. Nope, that is too much for you do deal with to see me.....wtf?! So we just don't see each other anymore. I have said this before, I knew it was too good to be true, that I was going to have a life with you, someone who loved me and thought I was beautiful and precious and loved me. Your kind words and confidence in us and a future was just smoke up my ass. Now and for so long, it is just one thing after another that sets you off, that you are assuming, that you use as an excuse for not working on anything. I can't even wrap my head around how much you put me down for what I am doing while you continue to not do anything. I just keep forgiving and letting go and having hope. I keep working and paying bills and trying to be a Mom, gf, a good person, and I get nothing but insults from you while you have only excuses why you don't even try. You don't want me to form any kind of relationship with anyone in your life, build a foundation, and you refuse to build anything with any of my family or friends when I ask you do **** with us. I try to pull you into my life and hope you will want to have one of your own as well, but you don't want to do either. If you offend anyone, you have no desire to make amends. You simply don't seem to care about anything but criticizing the world around you for everything. I can't even just lay with you, talk with you, bond with you. It's alreay almost May and it's been since New Years since I remember even being with you and having a moment. Not because I don't want it, you're NOT around and don't want to be. I've never had to fight so hard for attention from someone that says they love me. Never spent so much time trying to figure out different ways to show someone I love that I love and want them just to almost immediately to be told that you don't feel loved or wanted by me and don't see any of it. I can list time and time and how or what I did over and over and instead of acknowledging it, you change subject and start on something else I don't do or do wrong. And than say you can also say how you have shown me and tried over and over, but when I call you do exactly that, you get pissed and say that's bull****. You can't possibly believe your own bull****. And you can't really believe you are convincing me, because I know facts from fiction and deflection from being straightforward. You aren't dating an idiot, at least not in that way. You are simply unmotivated, deep in denial and deflection, and have no desire to own any of your own **** and better your life or give us a chance. AND THAT IS WHERE I COME IN AND HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS, because I know this, as do you if you are being honest with yourself, and every day I keep you in my life and am hurt and completely broken and lonely, it is my own ****ing fault. I hate that I know all this and still can't stand the thought of letting you go, even tho you have chosen this and the only chance you will ever choose you, or us, is if I stop taking it. **** I Could slap the **** out of myself for knowing all this from the beginning and choosing to bull**** myself that this was just a bad spot and my love could soften you anger and pain against the world and I could love you better. It's only gotten worse. Hell I can text you a mile long message about how I love you and what I want with you just to get a text the next day from you saying you can't remember the last time I let you know I wanted to be with you. AND IT'S STILL RIGHT THERE IN YOUR PHONE, and if I tell you that, tell you to just scroll up to yesterday, or a week ago, or two weeks ago, they are all there, you simply ignore me. It's almost comical, but not. Never had sombody find more reasons or excuses and scenarios for why they can't be with me or move forward, yet still say they want to be with me. With zero effort, just the opposite. Times just flying and you're not moving with it, and don't know why you say you want to move forward with us. You're going backwards, and don't know why you keep pretending that we are doing any of this together. You are NOT even close to being by my side or moving in the same direction. I don't know if your brain is so toxic that you really don't see the time passing. You want to have the same arguments and say the same things over and over, so maybe that is it, or this is just your was to continually have something to use as an excuse for the why you will drink today or self sabotaging a future and relationship. You can just pretend it's all me. Or maybe you just think nobody is expecting anything different from you and so it's all you are going to give them, but I DO expect and know you can do way different and have a better life. I know what you can do, just aren't willing to right now. I've always known there isn't anything I can do about it, but I keep trying anyways. It has to be you wanting different enough to put some work into it. I can't keep waiting and waiting tho. You don't even show signs of wanting anything different anymore. And you have the perfect enabler in your mom and I am simply not a priority to you at all. Not even coming in second or third and you can't see how muc I have made you a priority in our relationship, over and over and over. And the last time we even saw each other, you were here a week, the only time you stayed her, that was way more confirmation than ever for how little you care to improve on us or show me you give a ****. Didn't even see like you liked me a little bit. I felt unattractive to you, annoying to you, and it was a little snapshot reminder of how it was before we moved from the house. This long after, it was right away, very clear that I once again have changed my circumstances and had to adapt again by myself. It seemed like you still stayed and changed nothing in light of circumstances. And you still talked to me like ****, and even tho I was sick that week, it was still my responsibility to make you had movies to watch and food to eat, and were as comfortable as possible, including providing cash for your bottles. And you still didn't think it was important to go to work that week, and still didn't see how I put you above my own comfort and health, and still I get treated like ****. At the end of the week, you say that the whole week sucked because of me. Always me. WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME TO PUT UP THIS EVEN A LITTLE?!? YOU ARE NO BETTER TO ME THAN ANYONE IN MY PAST. WORSE ACTUALLY. There aren't even periods of good times anymore or me feeling loved or being spoiled or appreciated, NOTHING. I was treated well from every single person I was with more often than not, maybe only not the case in the end. You were only nice to me the first two or more months. I NEED TO ****ING STOP PRETENDING YOU LOVE ME cuz you say so and I love you. I don't even know that I love you anymore. I just know I feel in love with who I met, but I don't think I can say anymore that person was even real, and ever existed. If so, it was the shortest lifespan of a person before this mean lazy monster of a person took over. If it was real, than who you are now and all the drinking and anger has long since killed the man I love and I NEED TO GET MY HEART OUT OF THIS DECISION MAKING BECAUSE I AM LETTING IT KILL MY SPIRIT AND WRECK MY DECISION MAKING. AND MY FUTURE