Rock Bottom is a long trip

I just keep thinking that things can only get better and it just keep singing that somehow no matter what I think I'm going to do or how things are looking up, that things just keep getting harder and harder. Then often in hindsight I can see where I have screwed up or self-sabotage without realizing, and we'll look back at things and remember got my Intuition or whatever you want to call it had been right and I made the wrong or hopeful toys. I still can't seem to catch up at all on what I was behind in rent and I'm waiting every day to get my 30-day. Barely see my son at all this summer, which I knew he had a lot going on but even when he's here ice course don't see him. Hear all the lies says Mom nobody wants to hang out with her parents because they're boring. I totally get that and I remember hiding in my room and if I had had text or messaging like they do now I probably would have been in there even more. I know some of it is jealousy as well for the time he is off doing things and making memories whether he likes it or not with his dad and his dad's new family over there. I on the other hand don't have Family 2 go do trips with to visit really and don't have the capability cuz I can't seem to get even my Renton I had here. I'll sell I'm not involved anymore in any church Staffing doing Church things every weekend going out to eat like they do and all of that I miss and I'm jealous because I don't get to do that with him and even if he says he hates it and doesn't ever want to go, he goes and when I have seen pictures he looks really happy. I'm totally glad that he's happy and making those memories and I tell him even when he's complaining that glad and want him to you're the best to enjoy all that stuff, I just wish I was doing that stuff with him as well. Can't ever get rid of that feeling that he complains and says how much he hates being over there and such because he feels that that's what will make me feel better. But I've told him even from the beginning of his dad's marriage to her and such, that I do not want him miserable and I want him to take advantage of family time and I don't want to hear any of that it doesn't make me feel better cuz I want him to be happy. I just miss him terribly and I'm alone constantly so that gives me a lot of time to miss him and he's sad. Even when I'm at work just walking that casino floor I have nothing but time to reminiscent think about everything and I just I'm so tired of feeling sad and alone and hurt and constantly missing my mom and Tanya and I said hand Matthew who has once again just kind of cut me off and doesn't call or text all of a sudden we were talking and spending a lot of time on the phone or even a text last month. It was really nice but it was false hope that I let myself have even though in the back of my mind I know better. He says he wants to be here with me which is he wasn't there misses me isn't with anybody but doesn't have a choice, which I know is bull****. They have to be there for his mom help take care of her and that's not even why he left so I feel like he's just find me one thing after another. And I always feel like I'm like some Secret to have that he doesn't tell his mom or anybody what he's saying to me more like that him and I are not together cuz he doesn't want to be but doesn't have the words in him or doesn't want to totally have me gone, but I left them with the impression but I I'm not romantically involved with him anymore and he has no intention of it even though that's what his actions. 8 months almost now that he's been gone that I've even seen him and he has zero plans anything he's discussing with me to try and get back cuz he feels like he has to stay there otherwise his mom won't be able to pay rent. So apparently he's been working for the last two solid months and he's playing right there and that's not something he was willing to do for me and their codependency is not something I'm going to ever be able to do anything about obviously. And she wants him there so I feel like she manipulates fat as well. And now he doesn't have to face being a grown up and having his own family in life and he can play it off like it is because of his responsibilities as a son and that he's doing the right thing but that's not true because the right thing for her course as a mom would be to encourage him to have his own grown-up life that's our goals as moms. No Mom it's supposed to put their own needs to be with their children above that because more cheating them course. But also oh, I believe he is adopting that is a convenient reason to stay and get his meals cooked for him and all of his stuff cleaned without having to deal with a relationship really or the responsibilities of an entire family of his own and much much more bills than a couple hundred dollars a month in rent to his mom and she will lek and she will just continue two kind of let him continue with his addictions just because you know that will keep him home as well and in need of her. If I can tears me up how much I love and miss him though, course there's a lot I don't miss but the stuff I do miss and the parts of him that I love are so much stronger and more important to me then the stuff I don't like and I simply just don't want anyone else still. Haven't seen him in 8 months he has hurt me so many times so many ways and everything that my Intuition or conscious subconscious whatever kills me is going to happen with him does and I still continue to lie to myself and ignore it and convince myself that quote we're different quote and he meant everything that he said and he will step up and turn this around because he loves me and he is truly a good man inside. And I do believe he's a good man inside I just believe that he has push that man down so far that something else besides his own Frank now is going to have to pull it out of him to fight these demons and it's not me and his mom's not helping him and it's not a new story 4 addiction and low self-esteem and got a good man will be dead and buried deep inside in the body of what is now just a toxic shell or I should say tomb hat holds the person prisoner inside where others will never see him again. And I'm just so sick of losing everybody I care about and I'm down to like hardly any he left and none of them are close around all the time or even very often at all. And I don't feel like I want to even hope and try to make any type of relationship whether it's friends or someone in the future to be with I just can't take it. But I also can't take this alone all the time day after day and I don't know if that's why I can't seem to get ahead and but seems like she should be very possible and not that difficult is seemingly getting more and more difficult and impossible and I can't keep my had I guess focused from day-to-day on what I have figure it out I need to do it one point and then I could next thing I know I was supposed to do that even if I write it down even if I try to be organized my head is just shot through the past several years of emotional chaos and physical exhaustion and pain hand all the brain issues that have seemed to develop since that last surgery that I can't get anything going and stay going cuz I simply completely 100% will forget I'll write it down I forget to look what I wrote it down. Foot feels like this forever slow motion trip lower and lower to Rock Bottom and I keep thinking I'm there and I'm going to come back up and know it's still going down and down man down. I know that I have nowhere to go and no way to move out of this place and yet I am almost 2 months behind now and rent and still owe Rachel a class went out of money. As well as others. I'm going to lose my son permanently if I lose this place and that I'll be wishing for the few hours every other week that I actually see him m can a couple months now since I've been able to talk to Tanya on the phone while you two months or something and Jody doesn't seem motivated to get really down there anymore and can barely get her 2 talk to Tanya when I will call her and tell her to come over so tan you could call her on my phone cuz her app wasn't working on hers which I think she could have fixed talk but now I can't talk to Tanya either because it sounds haunted on her phone Carson nurses there and CNAs are never are useless in that area. Rachel haven't been able to talk to her either on the phone and it's just overwhelming how MTN sad I am for her. And more and more I feel like Jodie is disappearing in her grief of everything with her dad recently also going into a coma after a bad head injury from a car accident, that trigger probably a lot of pain for Jody that she still has of course I'm going with her mom. And and her issues with John to, or is everything that ****y after Matt shut down everybody's world and my family. And she is now really Carlos and at John's Mercy I can't get her to show up or do anything when she says she's going to with me or than I can't get ahold of her start my car a few times it was supposed to be for an hour or two and one was three days another time she took it and didn't even tell me and I didn't get it back I don't think till the next day and she took it to Tahoe when it was about to fall apart but she lied to me about that. I wasn't even home when she said she came over and asked me that I was asleep but she doesn't know I know she's lying. What's the point. I seem to lie a lot now too because of my shame and guilt is I'm still here I seem to be at life. And then taking care of my dog who has not been an easy dog to begin with due to her past issues and my lack of funds to help her and myself with the eight of professionals. But she managed to break her little leash while I was walking her, got away from me but wasn't really running and not that far and it was pretty dead outside at that time of night. I always have to walk over her late because how she freaks out if she sees any other animal, but she got hit by a truck right in front of me and a couple other people and it has her pretty jacked up. There's no way I can get up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom so now it's really literally like a litter box for her and here and it's not much alike about being here anymore as it is with all the issues I've had with the place hand how much time I'm just to hear alone anyways to look at it all I don't know what the future holds, I don't even know what the very very near future holds for me. All I know is that I having a really really difficult time baking even the tiniest bit of Hope any more about it because I don't have the tiniest bit of Hope in me anymore. And the worst thing is oh, I don't think I even care to have hope anymore. It's been way too much way too painful in incredibly short amount of time just one after the other thing ripping my heart out Breaking Me Down leaving me more alone and broken down and losing so much bam bam bam, that with how that love for the ones in my life and without relationships what is the point of any of this. And I get that you can make or relationships and such however, I can't make a whole lifetime of family and friends again and the when's lately that I I've lost , I don't feel like even after decades they were the family and friends that I thought they were obviously because it wouldn't have just disappeared from my life the way they have. Or the ones that get sick or die I think we all are going to, I would never change those relationships because of the pain of losing them because that's also what life is about. But the ones that have chose to just turn their backs and walk away and between sick, dying, andv then the few that have taken ill or died oh, well that's pretty much everybody. So a couple friends supposedly or acquaintances that I met in the last few years which is only a few of them, they took advantage of me, have not really been friends, and then of course there's Matthew as well. So what's the point because I'm not any better at picking who to have in my life than I've ever been and I don't even have any buddy in my life that can help me through those things left anymore so I'm just okay if God brings me home and I'm not just okay with it I wish so much that this would be over cuz this just is not something that I can figure out a way to see a light at the end of the tunnel and need to keep working toward because I really feel like the more and more I am physically and emotionally broke down, it is the more I am going to be a let down to my son and I don't want him embarrassed of me or worrying about me more than what he probably already is now. I don't seem to have anything that I am giving him in any way. He can't depend on me because financially I just can't get my **** together, and that upsets me and I'm so outwardly emotional that when I miss him or when my feelings are hurt he sees that and I know that that is not something he wants to see or feel he's in any way responsible four. And I don't want him to feel responsible and I tell him all the time it is okay if I cry and it's okay if it's because I miss him wanted to do better, that does not mean that it is his responsibility and I am not his responsibility in any way besides just not being hurtful to another human in general. But I just want him to be proud and I'm so far from seeing that I'm ever going to be able to get there now for him because I'm just so much an emotional dead as well as financial debt and it all affects me physically as well and all of that makes it worsen only one that can help me is God really and me but I can't seem to get to where I need to be I guess so that I damn getting the help that God will give me. I'm not really saying that right, I'm not able to see I guess because I know that he's there and I know he has the answers for me and some reason I'm not getting it.. Probably because of my choices I'm not helping myself or able to accept the gifts that are probably in front of my face and I'm forever Stuck in the Moment in hindsight doesn't help me. I know I need some serious therapy to get over all of this pain and deal with it but I need money and insurance to do that but I need money to pay my bills but I need to be able to manage my money so I can do any of that and that's just been my vicious circle and I don't know what to do but I know I can't do it alone and I don't know where else to turn and I don't know how to fix my head and focus enough to even do something more than a week straight as in like praying regularly I completely just forget because I can't focus anymore. I feel like I'm going to end up just like my mom and just finally snapped from all this emotion and I don't want that I want my old self back this person was my entire life. I want the optimism and I want to be cheerful and I want to be laughing and I want to have hope and I want to believe in people and I don't believe any of it and I am everything now that i could never understand others could be. I never understood why and how people could just be so hopeless and bitter toward the entire world basically and have no faith in humans but I've never been so alone and struck again and again with so much loss and of course Id never been been a mom who had to see her children in so much pain and Bill so responsible for not giving them everything that I I'm supposed to in terms of family and security instability and I have felt so guilty since Matt left so I guess that's why I couldn't see how people could feel this way but that's a huge part of not being able to have a lot of faith and trust after JJ and Matt and others in my life I feel contributed to changing jacobi's childhood basically and all those people are in his life because of me and that ultimately Beyond just direct fault it's all my fault and that's hard for me really really really hard for me to take