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It is very difficult dealing with elderly parents long distance. I am the closest, and still have a 4 hour drive. I try to visit every 6 weeks, and my siblings fly in at least 2 x's a year.
My parents aren't that old - 68, but my dad's health isn't good after 40+ years of smoking. He landed in the hospital for a week in the late spring. They live two hours from the closest hospital that had the care he needed, and my mom was driving back and forth everyday. At the time I lived 5.5 hours away so I drove down to stay for a few days (6 days, I think). Now we live 17 hours away, and my mom has told my dad that one more round in the hospital, and they will be moving to Michigan. They have never lived north of the Mason-Dixon line, and neither are exactly embracing the idea. However, it's just too hard on everyone living so far apart.
My sister is 8 hours away, but she hasn't visited them in five years. She ought to be ashamed of herself, but she's not. I don't get too mad though. I've always known that I'd be their caregiver, and I'm okay with that. We are very close so I don't mind. Also, they love my husband. I just don't understand kids that don't see their parents.
My parents aren't that old - 68, but my dad's health isn't good after 40+ years of smoking. He landed in the hospital for a week in the late spring. They live two hours from the closest hospital that had the care he needed, and my mom was driving back and forth everyday. At the time I lived 5.5 hours away so I drove down to stay for a few days (6 days, I think). Now we live 17 hours away, and my mom has told my dad that one more round in the hospital, and they will be moving to Michigan. They have never lived north of the Mason-Dixon line, and neither are exactly embracing the idea. However, it's just too hard on everyone living so far apart.
My sister is 8 hours away, but she hasn't visited them in five years. She ought to be ashamed of herself, but she's not. I don't get too mad though. I've always known that I'd be their caregiver, and I'm okay with that. We are very close so I don't mind. Also, they love my husband. I just don't understand kids that don't see their parents.
Sadly, not all parents were decent to their children when they were younger and frankly, some children have no ties to their parents. If children live with their parents' constant disapproval, or the parents have disowned their children, those same children can hardly be expected to care for their parents in their old age.
I've been in the midst of some of those horror stories and frankly, met parents whose children are quite justified in not being there. Sad...but true. I couldn't imagine it until I'd seen it, many times, with my own eyes.
And sometimes children never grow up .. and always expect that THEY should be the center of their parents lives, even when the child is 40+, and the parents are 80+, in deteriorating health and relying on another sibling for all their care.
Sometimes children are selfish. Adult children are people after all - and there are all types of people in this world - selfish, greedy, heartless ... as well as kind, compassionate and loving.
Sometimes - good parents have crappy children, and sometimes good children have crappy parents.
And sometimes children never grow up .. and always expect that THEY should be the center of their parents lives, even when the child is 40+, and the parents are 80+, in deteriorating health and relying on another sibling for all their care.
Sometimes children are selfish. Adult children are people after all - and there are all types of people in this world - selfish, greedy, heartless ... as well as kind, compassionate and loving.
Sometimes - good parents have crappy children, and sometimes good children have crappy parents.
I absolutely agree! ...some of these people can't wait for their parents to simply be dead, waiting like vultures in the shadows, planning on what to do with their inheritance, should they actually have some coming. Sadly, I've also met a couple of "children" whose parents have nothing left for their adult children to con them out of, bitter, horrid children, who had POA over their parents. These children did everything in their power to forbid pain meds, yet keep their parents alive to suffer for as long as possible. Some of the evil in the world can take your breath away.
I wish this thread hadn't turned into an ugly one about parent's and their adult children..I didn't start this for parent or child bashing. Maybe a new thread could be started for this purpose. This thread had a happy resolve and would like it to end on a positive note that had lot's of support and hugs for a distraught daughter of aging parent's.
She called me last night from a coffee shop trying to sober up after getting drunk after visiting our parent's which she does every Sunday. She has to listen to my Dad accusing her of not caring about him because she has a business and a life and doesn't call everyday. She has to listen to him constantly talk about dying or killing himself and watch our mother disappear mentally while visiting, yet counting how long she stays even though she rarely talks. I think this is the first time she has done this and it made me so sad for her. She called just to vent which I always accept but suggested she find a support group for caregivers of Alzheimer or Dementia parent's to be able to share her experiences with others going through similar things. I hope this doesn't become a trend. She is already under a lot of stress trying to please all of her clients and then made to feel she isn't a good daughter if she doesn't check up on him everyday.
I call about twice a week just to let him and my mom know I care. Funny how my Dad is so needy with my older sister and tells her the depressing feeling he has, but with me he just wants to know how we are doing and to give him any good news I might have. Maybe he still thinks of me as the baby?
You cannot beat people into submission to share your own joy or treasure of life, nor define for them what is "fun". If they don't have it, that is their own affair. How do you know that what he feels is not a kind of enlightenment, that is masked from the youthful and energetic?
See that he has his medical directives on file with the hospital, and do what you can to keep him comfortable of body and spirit. If he wants to talk about his remaining life from his viewpoint, listen with an open mind to what he has to say and respect his dignity.
You cannot beat people into submission to share your own joy or treasure of life, nor define for them what is "fun". If they don't have it, that is their own affair. How do you know that what he feels is not a kind of enlightenment, that is masked from the youthful and energetic?
See that he has his medical directives on file with the hospital, and do what you can to keep him comfortable of body and spirit. If he wants to talk about his remaining life from his viewpoint, listen with an open mind to what he has to say and respect his dignity.
Didn't see how this response was relative what so ever to my previous post? No one mentioned beating anyone into submission to share any joy! In fact, joy, enlightenment and fun were not the topic. Did you really read it?
Didn't see how this response was relative what so ever to my previous post? No one mentioned beating anyone into submission to share any joy! In fact, joy, enlightenment and fun were not the topic. Did you really read it?
My comment was not directed at you nor at your post, but at the general tone of the discussion. When people realize that their end is near, it may not be helpful to try to change their outlook, or to try to persuade them to fit in with your own hopes and plans for them.
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...some of these people can't wait for their parents to simply be dead, waiting like vultures in the shadows, planning on what to do with their inheritance, should they actually have some coming. Sadly, I've also met a couple of "children" whose parents have nothing left for their adult children to con them out of, bitter, horrid children, who had POA over their parents. These children did everything in their power to forbid pain meds, yet keep their parents alive to suffer for as long as possible. Some of the evil in the world can take your breath away.
Now my sister is depressed
