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Question - how do you take care of aging/ill parents while living out of state (too far to drive), working full-time (I have an 18 year career and am the breadwinner), and raising young kids?
At the age of 90 and with declining health, my mother-in-law is going to need to move into a senior living facility soon and we are hoping to convince her to move here. She seems uninterested. My husband has a sister who just decided to move out of the country (by choice); note: she currently lives with Mom. Mom is not happy with this choice; it's created some family drama.
My father has advanced-stage cancer and after living with us for 6 months last year decided he was happier at home, which is 2,000 miles away from me. He doesn't have the financial means to pay for caregiving and my husband is just recently unemployed so we can't afford it either.
Either way, we can't afford for my husband to fly back and forth for his Mom and I can't leave my family and afford FMLA to care for my Dad either. I'm also not physically able to take care of my father. How does this work? Any advice? My Dad has few assets and what he does have is in my name also. He's eligible for VA. I have a 1/2 brother who is 18 years younger than me (also lives out of state), who is single and living life and not taking responsibility for any of this. Fortunately, mother-in-law has financial means for ACL so at least we know her physical needs can be cared for
Question - how do you take care of aging/ill parents while living out of state (too far to drive), working full-time (I have an 18 year career and am the breadwinner), and raising young kids?
At the age of 90 and with declining health, my mother-in-law is going to need to move into a senior living facility soon and we are hoping to convince her to move here. She seems uninterested. My husband has a sister who just decided to move out of the country (by choice); note: she currently lives with Mom. Mom is not happy with this choice; it's created some family drama.
My father has advanced-stage cancer and after living with us for 6 months last year decided he was happier at home, which is 2,000 miles away from me. He doesn't have the financial means to pay for caregiving and my husband is just recently unemployed so we can't afford it either.
Either way, we can't afford for my husband to fly back and forth for his Mom and I can't leave my family and afford FMLA to care for my Dad either. I'm also not physically able to take care of my father. How does this work? Any advice? My Dad has few assets and what he does have is in my name also. He's eligible for VA. I have a 1/2 brother who is 18 years younger than me (also lives out of state), who is single and living life and not taking responsibility for any of this. Fortunately, mother-in-law has financial means for ACL so at least we know her physical needs can be cared for
Thanks!!
Wow, you really have your hands full here! I don't think there is any clear answer in regards to either your father or your MIL. I do think it's important for you and your husband to explain clearly to her that your husband will only be able to help her and keep an eye on her if she moves closer to the two of you. If she has to move anyway, she might as well move where she'll have some help, unless she has a better idea (support from others that's more local to her). It sounds like your SIL has had enough of living with her mother; it's surprising that she's decided to move so far away in the last years of her mother's life but maybe she's put her own life on hold for too long already.
It sounds like there's little you can do for your father. Even if he were to move closer to you, there's no money for a paid caregiver and you can't take care of him with your other commitments. Definitely check out what the VA may have to offer - I have no idea about that, since I have no veterans in my family. Maybe in a real crisis, his son would step in to help out.
Thank you for your response/advice! Sister-in-law moved in with her a year ago; she and her husband have had financial strain for the past few years and have an opportunity to make a lot of money leaving the country so this move is financially driven. They are both in their mid-60's. They also found the living arrangement difficult, as you can imagine. My husband is 15 years away from retirement and I'm only 42. We definitely have our hands full. I want to do the best we can but given our situation we are limited in options.
Your husband will have to tell his mom that he cannot commute to care for her, and that she will have to move. It will be hard, and she may well fight it. But you have get her where you can care for her, even if she is placed in an ALF. Putting her in an ALF far from the nearest relative is not a good idea.
I doubt you can force your half brother to assist you, if he has not done so. But perhaps you can prevail on him to pay for part of your mom's care, if there isn't enough money to do it now.
How is your father getting along now? He will need to locate financial help through whatever aid there is in his state. If you haven't done so, contact the state office for elder affairs, or whatever it is called. If you can travel there, make an appointment, and help your dad enroll in whatever program he qualifies for. For aid from the VA, he might have to apply separately. I don't know very much about VA aid. Is he getting treatment for his cancer at a VA hospital? If so, there should be caseworkers who could assist him. If you can't travel to your dad's town, you might be able to set up a conference call with an aid worker and him.
The thing is, at a certain point we middle aged kids have to assume a parental role with our parents, especially if they are quite elderly and muddled in their thinking, or if they have dementia. This reversal of roles is very hard for all concerned. But if you think of this as "stepping up to the plate" it might help.
I want to send you my good wishes and thoughts in all of this. I know how hard it is to deal with emotional issues with financial complications.
I'd suggest being as organized as you can. Keep all their info in files, notebooks, etc. You'll info handy, and will be getting lots of names and contact info like phone numbers and emails. If you're good at tackling projects at work. Approach it like that.
There's a steep learning curve, no doubt. There's assessing what kind of help you THINK you need and what might be available, initial research, then follow ups. Each call and new contact could give you new information about a program you didn't even know existed, and the next doctors appointment could mean that in addition to the help you thought they needed, they need more.
KEY would be getting them located CLOSE.TO.YOU. Any chance dad would move back closer to you?
How is their mental state? Are they slipping? Do you have Power of Attorney, will, trusts set up? Medical directives?
You said your name is on dad's accounts -- exactly HOW are they titled? You said MIL has assets? How much? Home aide care or Assisted Living can deplete assets faster than some people imagine?
Those with NO assets get all kinds of help. Those who are wealthy can private pay. It's those who have "SOME" assets who are caught in the middle. Too much to qualify for help, but not enough to private pay for too long.
How willing are they to let you -- if not MANAGE -- at least get more involved in their finances. In most cases qualifying for state/fed help is ALL about the money/assets they may or may not have.
Medicaid has a FIVE year look back period. But it doesn't sound like you have five years to wait. Do they have enough money to private pay for help for that long. I'd see an elder care attorney to see what your options are.
There are many knowledgeable people on this board who've gone down this road before you. They're willing to share what they've learned. THAT is invaluable.
I'm in a similar situation with my father dying of cancer. He cared for my mother (age 69) and handicapped brother (age 44). I live 700 miles away and have my own family (young kids) and work I can't leave. My brother is currently in a nursing home for a few weeks for physical rehab, dad is doing poorly, and my mother cannot care for herself (fibromyalgia, but I suspect all the prescription drugs she's on are why she can't do anything). She refuses to take any steps to move out/sell the house, and is somewhat of a hoarder. It took my dad 9 months to move her out of their old house a few years ago, as she slowly sifted through all her hoard/crap.
My dad will die this year and she'll be there alone, other than my brother may be back in the house. But he wants out and needs to be in assisted living. He can't handle his finances and has pretty bad health issues, and not many assisted living places will allow someone under 55 that I've looked into. My mom very well may just freak out and who knows what will happen to her. Even if I had all the money in the world, I can't go there and spend literally months caring for her while she tries to downsize. She hobbles around with a cane, has horrible A.D.D. (even though Ridalin is one of the drugs she's on), stays up all night, sleeps all day, and often is so strung out on pain killers that she'll just sit there.
I'm at a loss for what to do. I've tried pushing my parents toward getting ready to move out, but no luck. They just spent $1200 to fix a 15 year old car that they don't even need (should have sold it) and my mom just had all their cable boxes upgraded, as if she's going to stay in the house. But she has no family left and no one to help her. I've stopped looking for assisted living for her because I'm just wasting my time.
I spoke with their VA social worker (my dad's a war vet) and told her that getting my mom out of that house and moved will have to involve social services. And that she needs a drug intervention because I think all the pain killers/Ritalin/anti-depressants just have her screwed up. It's such a mess, some days I have to block it all out to get on with my life.
Denverian, so sorry you’re dealing with this. I take it there are no other siblings or family members to help share the load?
IF you expect that your dad will pass this year – what does HE say about putting some assets in your control now so that you might be better able to get services or pay for services for your mom. Is there anything you two could arrange now to help that situation afterward.
1) Being that she’s his wife he won’t be able to cut her out of a will or anything like that – not that he would want to. But he could move things now so that they weren’t part of his estate….IF there’s a fear your mom isn’t capable of handling or managing any estate assets that would remain.
2) Also have arrangements been made for assets for your disabled adult brother. Can he care for himself at all and/or take care of his finances, etc? Could he stay at home with aides coming in? Could you ask social workers to help find a place for him? There are programs for the disabled to stay in apartments with caregivers. (don’t’ know if that’s 24 hours though) And there are attorney that special is special needs situations that might be of some help…if only a consultation.
Also if and when your dad passes you might have to take some time off – I mean more than just 3 days bereavement. I mean at LEAST 3 weeks. ..or make a couple of return trips to arrange things for your mom – or at least your brother.
I feel for your situation. It can be very difficult to decide how much one wants or is willing to take on -- or is willing to live with as consequences when one doesn't get involved. And it’s especially tough when the loved ones who NEED help WON’T take it – or even do what THEY can to help themselves.
Sending thoughts of support your way...
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