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I agree with MaseMan, DO NOT let your mother move in with you. You'll only be enabling her hoarding, and it won't be doing you any good to have her problems in your face 24/7.
I agree with MaseMan, DO NOT let your mother move in with you. You'll only be enabling her hoarding, and it won't be doing you any good to have her problems in your face 24/7.
If that's the case then I probably shouldn't let her move in with my grandfather either right?
As an FYI, I live in the Midwest. My mom, grandfather, and small immediate family all live in South Carolina. My brother lives in Japan.
If that's the case then I probably shouldn't let her move in with my grandfather either right?
As an FYI, I live in the Midwest. My mom, grandfather, and small immediate family all live in South Carolina. My brother lives in Japan.
Unfortunately, IMO, you are more capable of dealing with her than a man I assume in his 70's.
The issue is not "who" takes her so much as the people willing to do so must be crystal clear about what they are potentially taking on.
For example, can anyone guarantee that she will not have the ability to go "shopping" which in these cases also means shopping out of other neighbor's trash. And is anyone capable of making her get medical attention.
You're in an awful position. Perhaps invest in an elder care attorney in her county who has experience in these things. Even though she's not classic "elder" they still know the laws and resources available.
If the state gets involved they will appoint a court appointed guardian or lawyer to represent her interests. Remember, even the mentally ill like schizophrenics have "rights" to live on the streets unmedicated now. The only time you can get "help" is in cases of "danger". And her living arrangements now probably qualify. BUt I wonder if she were wandering around homeless and delusional if any county would intervene. Makes no sense, actually. So if she's forced to move it's a crap shoot how she'll react. Only you can judge that.
That's for your grandfather to decide, don't you think?
True.
That's a sticky situation too I guess. My grandfather has been in decent health up until this year. He's been hospitalized more this year than in any previous year. So he's been pretty down, irritable, etc.
Whenever I tried to bring up her situation earlier this year he didn't really want to talk about it because it upsets him. He does believe she should 'let the house go' though. Ironically, he has 3 children and he announced this year he was going to give his home to his son who already has a paid off home...which has created some tension among siblings because my mom is the obvious one that needs help. But he doesn't want her to inherit the home because he says she won't take care of it...
So on one hand it would benefit both of them for her to move in with him...help him out with care, and she'd have a free place to stay. If something happened to him though I don't know what would be the next move, with my mom's brother being the one who's getting the house...
Unfortunately, IMO, you are more capable of dealing with her than a man I assume in his 70's.
The issue is not "who" takes her so much as the people willing to do so must be crystal clear about what they are potentially taking on.
For example, can anyone guarantee that she will not have the ability to go "shopping" which in these cases also means shopping out of other neighbor's trash. And is anyone capable of making her get medical attention.
You're in an awful position. Perhaps invest in an elder care attorney in her county who has experience in these things. Even though she's not classic "elder" they still know the laws and resources available.
If the state gets involved they will appoint a court appointed guardian or lawyer to represent her interests. Remember, even the mentally ill like schizophrenics have "rights" to live on the streets unmedicated now. The only time you can get "help" is in cases of "danger". And her living arrangements now probably qualify. BUt I wonder if she were wandering around homeless and delusional if any county would intervene. Makes no sense, actually. So if she's forced to move it's a crap shoot how she'll react. Only you can judge that.
My grandfather's turning 82 next week...
Yeah, I don't know. I'm still confused as to where to start/what to do actually. I had a long conversation with my cousin about it last night...she agreed my mom should move in with my grandfather. I don't know...
So from what I see on TV watching Hoarders and Hoarders Buried Alive...the county will not permit her to stay there like that. You have to have water for the toilet at least. And the hoarders on TV will NOT get counseling so I'd forget that idea. Even when they have 24 hours to go before getting evicted, with tons of trucks and manpower there to help, they refuse.
-She has actually mentioned that she would like counseling, so I think she would go. I think her motivation is to have 'someone to talk to'...not sure how motivated she is to change anything....
How is she going to the bathroom? Most of them resort to buckets and other disgusting collections of things like grocery bags. Or they go out.
-She uses buckets of water to force the toilet to flush. There are dozens and dozens of these buckets all over the house.
You should go watch those shows - one's on A&E "Hoarders" and I the other one is on TLC Hoarders Buried Alive. So you get the comparison and get the point that she's possibly "hopeless". Some of the people finally accept help but it's a big mess getting there. Huge interventions and drama and they don't agree to anything until the eleventh hour before losing the house. Temper tantrums, acting out and just being entirely disagreeable or even lazy. Laying in the middle of a giant trash dump of a living room letting everyone else clean up. One lady was totally surrounded by thousands of diabetic needles USED all over the floor. Those shows are just UNBELIEVABLE. I would say one out of 7 actually "change" but you can't see if it's permanent.
THEN after they remove all the garbage the house is so demolished from the weight and mold etc, it's a tear down or the people walk away anyway.
The shows are online on the TV's site you can stream them on your computer. YOu can see how the psychologists and clean out specialists talk to the people etc. Half the time it seems the people aren't really "hoarding" but just slobs. It's hard to watch.
-I've seen them. Ironically, one episode I saw last week showed a woman that reminded me so much of my mom in the way she behaved...
If she's underwater what's the point? If she's not and has equity, I would pay her taxes directly. You can probably see online if they're delinquent. Same with the mortgage to buy time. Instead of wasting that money on "tea". She is mentally ill and if she cannot face it she's going to get the "time bomb" effect eventually like her father says.
-Where can I go online to see about her mortgage?
I'm the type of person to take action no matter what, so consider the source. I'd be going to the county and finding out what they will do if they go there and find this mess. LIke how long she has to clean it up. They usually work with the people and come back a couple of times expecting to see progress.
It's unlikely she'll cooperate so she'll have to move. Then be prepared for her to start the same behaviors at your house or her dad's. They don't necessarily go away, depending on the person.
UGH, I hope you can get the stamina to see this through or make sense to her. But once you call the county there's probably no turning back. And she's unlikely to have the funds to even do the cleanout, right? And the repairs. etc.
There's also the question of whether the courts will consider her a danger to herself or others and give her an involuntary commitment. They are temporary like, 72 hours. SOME TIMES they send the offender to jail if they just flat out REFUSE TO COOPERATE and live in a dangerous dwelling or eye sore in the neighborhood. But not usually.
I would go to Adult Protective Services for that aspect. They may even have the answers about the house and the hoarding deal.
If that's the case then I probably shouldn't let her move in with my grandfather either right? .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenstyle
That's for your grandfather to decide, don't you think?
I think the OP should make the suggestion to her grandfather that allowing the mother to move in without conditions could make things much worse.
What happens if the OP finds out 2 years from now that her grandfather has drained all of his financial resources on his daughter and is now in crisis as well due to it?
Several posters have mentioned different professionals that could probably offer good advise and guidance, I'd go that route first.
This story is strange. No water for ten years. Where does she have to go to fill the many buckets in the house? Is there a nearby creek?
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I'd be going to the county and finding out what they will do if they go there and find this mess. LIke how long she has to clean it up. They usually work with the people and come back a couple of times expecting to see progress.
