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I hope the above link works to take you to my original thread if you aren't familiar with the situation with my parents. It's taken me a bit to be able to write about this, but the thread title pretty well says it all, my mother died after a relatively short time in assisted living.
The nurse came to the apartment every morning to administer meds, and that morning my father was up but explained my mother was still asleep - not unusual. Fortunately the nurse went in to check on her and found that she'd passed on in her sleep sometime in the night. One of their dogs was still curled up at the foot of the bed, keeping her company until the very end.
I was surprised but not shocked at her passing. Since I felt I had already lost my "real" mother to dementia, I've been shocked at how hard her death has hit me. I will think i'm okay, and then suddenly I'm hit with what can best be described as waves of sorrow and sadness. I've had anxiety and depression before, but this has me seriously considering getting some meds. If I had a regular doctor, I most likely would have gotten some help before now, but I haven't been to a doctor in years and I'm not sure where to begin.
My father's future is somewhat up in the air. His memory problems have gotten worse and the staff at assisted living is pushing to get him moved to the memory unit. My only hesitation in moving him is that there are no pets allowed there, and he clearly still gets a lot of comfort from the dogs. However, most of the time he doesn't remember my mother is gone, so he may not miss the dogs as much as I think he will.
This past year has been difficult for a variety of reasons, which I'm sure isn't helping me deal with this. I HATE dementia. It makes you lose your loved one twice.
I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my Mom to Alzheimer's a few weeks ago, so I share a lot of what you are going through.
It sounds like your mother had the ideal passing....in her sleep, beloved dog and husband by her side. How many people wish they could "go" this way? Hopefully that should be of some comfort.
Peace to you and to your Dad as he navigates life without her.
I hope you will allow yourself time to grieve and not make any big changes right now. Tell the assisted living staff that you are "considering" the move, but that you are not ready to decide right now.
Your Mom passed in a very good way. It's unfortunate you could not say good bye, but it was a blessing for all involved. Peace to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief hits us strangely sometimes. Please take care of yourself, and take your time making big decisions. I totally agree that dementia is awful. But your mom is out of its clutches now.
I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes we think we are "prepared" for a loved one's death, but when it actually happens, we find out that the grief comes in a big way anyway. I agree with others who have said you should give yourself some time before making any more decisions. It sounds like your Dad will be OK for a while longer, while you grieve and take stock.
Sheila, Hugs. Its so hard to lose your Mom. Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty or bad about any of your feelings about how things happened. Although it may not seem like it today, eventually, your memories of your mother in the good times will overcome the stressfull and sad memories of the tiny bit of her life at the end. I know this from personal experience with my Mom. Hugs again.l
I'm so sorry for your loss. That being said, your mom seems to have had a comfortable, peaceful passing, with her husband and beloved dog close by. That's a nice way to go.
I can relate to your waves of sorrow and grief, having lost my dear dad quickly and unexpectedly late last year. I'm still sad sometimes but I promise it does get better. For me, it was getting over the shock of it all that was key. It's like I had to assimilate his sudden death into my life and psyche. It's different in some ways for everyone I guess. My brother has had a more difficult time of it emotionally but then he lives far away so I think not having the reality of it in his face every day makes it seem less real so harder to grasp.
Another update. My dad fell and broke his hip. He had surgery and spent five days in the hospital. I get that it was a hospital and not a facility for the elderly, but the way he was treated by the staff was inexcusable. They neglected to give him pain meds, because he didn't ask for them. I had to remind them constantly that he won't remember to ask for meds, but that doesn't mean he's not in pain.
Very few of the staff seemed to understand that he has memory issues and confusion. He didn't remember he'd fallen or that he'd had surgery, so he kept trying to get out of bed. They were frustrated and seemed to think that telling him once to stay in bed should suffice. When they took out his catheter, they waited for him to ask for assistance when he needed to "go", so of course he kept having accidents in the bed. I came in and found him laying in a wet spot one day and they acted as if he was deliberately trying to be difficult by not asking for help. I kept suggesting as civilly as possible, that they offer him help periodically, because it seems that it no longer registers with him when he has the need. They agreed to do this, but since he kept having accidents, i doubt many of them followed through.
Fortunately he's now out of the hospital and in the rehab portion of the care facility where he and my mother lived in assisted living. He's getting some physical therapy, but no one is saying if they think he'll be able to walk again. Although no one will commit to any prognosis, I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that he won't be back in his assisted living apartment and will need round the clock care for the duration.
The rehab place seems much more attentive and sensitive to his needs than the hospital, so i'm grateful for that.
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