I am exhausted from being nice to my Mother-in-law!!

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

Originally Posted by rdflk

This thread took a turn when someone or people apparently took a personal offense to Hopes use of the word 'disgusting' when commenting about family caregivers making a PROFIT -- NOT not being compensated -- but MAKING A PROFIT from caring for loved ones. Was the word "disgusting" a bit strong? Sure. But did it really need to start a "people who haven't been there shouldn't comment, you can't relate, how dare you" argument that just goes back and forth but never gets resolved. Really?

I know. I really should stop.

Hopes made her opinion clear of those who are compensated for caring for relatives with dementia. She described anything more than being reimbursed for minimal expenses as making a profit off of relatives and that this was "disgusting." Further down the thread she referred to it being "hateful and selfish" if one expected to be compensated for caring for relatives.

Hopes story has morphed over the course of the thread, but she sounds like a remarkable person, sending money off to support the relatives she is not actually caring for in her home for years on end.

But I also find this rather unusual, as the people I know who devote their lives to good works rarely brag about it. Often they don't have the time. Usually, they see it as just doing their job.

Every family's financial situation is different. I believe it is perfectly okay for a caregiver to be compensated for the loving care of a family member. I take offense when someone says this is "disgusting," "hateful" and "selfish."

We're not talking about draining an elder's bank account or taking advantage of them financially. We're talking about charging a third to a half of what an ALF would charge.

If the OP's MIL has financial resources, there is no reason on God's green earth that the OP, or anyone else in a similar situation, should be providing free caregiving. To call this "disgusting," "hateful," "selfish," etc. is just wrong.

[Hopes]

I'm not embellishing. I'm not bragging. I clarified when someone asked me. I didn't provide the whole story from the start. Why would I think I needed to go into such detail? Shoot me for thinking a brief rundown should have been enough. But everything I shared from the start connects together if you are capable of truly following the dots.

I said from the start that this family has been caring for one disabled sibling (the epileptic) since my husband was 19 years old. The second sibling became physically disabled in my husband's late 20s. We married when he was in his late 30s over 20 years ago. His third sibling developed early onset Alzheimer's 10 years into our marriage.

I married into a family that was already maintaining two residences in two different cities for the first and second sibling. They later deteriorated to the point that they needed to come live with family all around the same time the third one developed Alzheimer's.

Between the rest of the brothers and sisters, we had three disabled people who required care. They rotated between us but there was almost always one of them in my home. Each one stayed for about 2 years before rotating to another home, and another one would rotate directly into my home. The 9 years of having someone in my home was not 9 consecutive years of one disabled person, but I have had 4 consecutive years with two disabled people in a row, only to have an 8 month break before another came into my home. We currently do not have anyone in my home, but that will change when they can no longer take care of each other.

This has been going on for decades. I'm not complaining. It's simply part of our life. It's all my husband has ever known. It's all I've known in my marriage. It's just something we do, even when we deal with our own health problems in the process. My husband's year long disability (three years ago) is one of the reasons they are no longer here. It inspired my husband's family to figure out a way for them to be independent together. But we continue to provide financial support as we always did because it has been part of our family budget since the day I married my husband.

Now my husband suddenly developed serious illnesses since March. He's falling apart. It has been one thing after another. It started with his lungs, then his kidneys (three kidney surgeries), then pneumonia, now his vascular system has a rare disease----which is the very friggin disease that disabled his brother who is physically disabled. Boom. Boom. Boom. In just a few months, it's all spinning out of control. But I know we'll get through it because we've been doing it for all these years.

[rdflk]

If the OP's MIL has financial resources, there is no reason on God's green earth that the OP, or anyone else in a similar situation, should be providing free caregiving.

And that's what people have differing opinions about. Some would ask why SHOULD she be paid...just because the MIL has the money and would pay someone else? WE DON"T have to debate that here, that's just the other side of your position.)

I just think people can disagree about that -- without questioning another person's experiences, or implying that those experiences are 'less than' or perhaps not as valid in some way.

While Hopes used strong wording to describe her opinion -- which he/she is entitled to, by the way -- I don't think Hopes ever said other people couldn't understand because they didn't live a certain life or provide certain care -- OTHER people said that. She never negated someone's experiences, the way people have tried to negate hers.

[Pikantari]

This is tough, but you have to start somewhere. She needs a new dr in your area if she doesn't already have one and she should be receiving some kind of social security. She should have Medicare and may be able to also receive Medicaid.

I took care of both of my parents in my twenties and it was just what I felt I had to do.

Whenever we marry someone, also, you have to understand that yours or their parents may need help.

I will be marrying my fiance' next year and he has both parents still living and I think his mom has early onset dementia, and his dad has his own health problems. His dad is probably almost ten years older than his mom and health wise, not in super great shape. I think his mom will be around longer than his dad and I do not think she should live alone. She forgets an awful lot, even that the stove is on.

I have talked to my fiance', and we know that his older brother is moving out of the country in probably 6 years or so with his wife and daughter, and his younger brother has 2 young children and we will just say that I know he will not be doing it either.

I would be happy to have her in our home if need be and help to take care of her. I did tell him I thought he and his brothers and parents should maybe get together at some time and talk about it.

I don't think that when we get married this is ever what we really think about in our future. I was married once, and was married having taken care of my parents, so I know...