Mother leaving the ALF, may finally be time for me to cut ties (child, adult)
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Many of you know my situation and have been wonderfully supportive, I may not always have time to respond back but I read and appreciate every word. For those who don't know I will give some background.
I am the only child of divorced parents, we have no other family
My mother adopted me at a few days old and has vascilated between caring parents and abusive nightmare. She has been diagnosed with a mixture of Narcissistic Personality disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. When she comes after you she doesn't just call you bad names, she hits you at your most venerable, it's like soul killing. Plus she could/can be physically abusive too. Even so, I have always stuck by her, never abandoning her.
After a bad accident which left me with a broken back, herniated disks, and surgery, she begged me to move home and because I obviously couldn't work, I moved home. Just as I was getting better and was making plans to resume my life, she started to become ill which culminated in her having a stroke. Although at first the damage seemed very minimal, after 6 months it became apparent she was having dementia like symptoms coupled with falling episodes. She could be very lucid all day and then just go off the rails. It's like a computer going offline. She is easily confused has poor memory and incessantly loses things and is sometimes combative and incontinent. She would frequently tell me that I OWED her, that if I had wanted to get married, have kids, or a career that I should have done it in my 20s because now it was too late for me because she was my SOLE responsibility. She would or wasn't able to do or handle almost anything yet wanted to maintain COMPLETE control. I couldn't often get her to go to bed at a decent hour, eat properly, or take her meds correctly. It was frustrating and terrifying, especially when she would fall and then make me with a disability try to lift her back up as she couldn't get herself up after a fall. She absolutely refused to allow me to call 911. During this time I took her to many doctors trying to figure out what was going on and get help. At EVERY appointment she would flirt, joke, wasn't honest about anything and because she can often pull it together for shorter periods of time, I'd look like I was exaggerating or crazy myself. I would cry after those appointments. Also she had wrecked the car twice before putting the car in my name and stopping driving, she started two fires, and would wander in the front yard half clothed so I'd get calls from the neighbors. I literally couldn't leave the house (my only time away from the madness) to run errands, without getting 10 plus calls from her or calls from the neighbors.
After all of this going on for over a year, after several falls in a couple of days, I called 911. She was taken to the hospital, was there for 4 or so days, then admitted to a rehab to work on falls. During this time she could no longer keep up her "I'm fine" act, doctors and nurses saw the bizarre behavior and they diagnosed her as having dementia and FINALLY told me that one person alone, especially disabled, could NOT take care of her alone and that she desperately needed to be placed in an ALF. So, I stopped listening to her and started following doctors orders. Btw, her closest friend has taken my side and been 100% supportive. I had her placed in a small ALF and when she was stable and much better, I moved her to a bigger ALF with many more activities. Since I do have POA and am health surrogate, I pay all bills, cleaned and made all home repairs, sold home, kept her safe, clean, did her taxes, ect.
Well, she HATES me. She takes ZERO responsibility for anything. Makes it out that I stole her freedom, took away all her rights, had her thrown in some prison like place, and abandoned her. After months of complaints and abuse, she calls me yesterday to tell me she is getting out, she was misdiagnosed, nothing is wrong with her, and she's retained an attorney to fight me. She had bought me a car a few months back because the old one we had was a money pit and now she claims it was only bought for her and she wants it back so she can start her new life. The car is in my name as was the old one. I told her I would not fight her going out on her own so she does not need an attorney. But I know she is unable to function on her own and will expect me to either help her or pick up the pieces when things inevitably go bad. I swear I will NEVER again work like a slave to keep her safe and healthy again when she has done nothing but hurt me.
Finally, she has been helping me financially because it was hard to get back on my feet after being a full time caregiver for years. I had no money saved at all as I was never paid for my help or work. Unfortunately, I just found out I need knee surgery and can't work until I'm healed. I bought health insurance for the first time in years because she told me to do it because I'm a mess from constant stress ect from full time caregiving. Yesterday she told me she will no longer pay for anything. She is cutting me off and to "dry my tears and suck it up"! Nice, huh? Sadly, if she had called me and told me she needed help (which I have offered) to go to a different ALF or senior community, and that she would soon need to stop financial help because of the cost of her care- I would have been 100% understanding and helpful. But I now think after ALL these years, I may finally have to cut ties to save myself. It is just a matter of time before she gets hurt, hurts someone else, gets sick and I will again be expect to move in with her and pick up the pieces and the whole cycle will begin again.
You told her you wouldn't fight her leaving the ALF, but, did you also tell her that she would not be moving in with you?
You need to be firm! Don't allow her back under the same roof! Arm yourself with the knowledge of how best to deal with her behavior when you do have to be around her, but, do NOT allow her to move in on you! Do not allow her blackmail to con you into hurting yourself with her continual presence again! It sounds like she is afraid she'll be totally abandoned if she doesn't blackmail someone to care for her, and you are that someone.
Even if she became the way she is due to heavy metal poisoning, she is more than likely hard-wired that way now ... even if you could get it all cleansed from her system. (Just for example: it is no coincidence that the prison population has a MUCH higher ratio of lead poisoning than the general population! Among several other things, it can cause serious negativity & delusions. I have a friend who suffers from that.)
Have you researched sites that discuss the best ways to deal with emotional blackmail / manipulation?
This looks like a good set of articles for you to start with:
IF you haven't already been in touch with Adult Protective Services in your area, ask them to evaluate the both of you individually, to see if they can uncover an option you didn't know that you have. You might qualify for help to be in an assisted living facility for awhile yourself, if you cant afford your own place. Your mother might also qualify for some help that was unknown to you . . . if they haven't already evaluated her case.
Don't feel bad if you decide you must cut ties with her. However, if you don't . . . remain at a distance . . . Help from a distance. Develop your self worth to a healthy level, & keep it there . . . even if it means having to distance yourself from her permanently. You could still send her cards or letters on occasion, but wouldn't have to read those she might send in response. Nor would you have to take any calls she might make.
Have you ever thought about trying to find your birth parents, or, at least find out about them?
That might help take your mind off of the turmoil between your adopted mother & you.
What helps me get my mind off of my troubles, is this . . .
Not much I can say will tell you anything you don't know deep down in your own heart.
Clearly you've been through a lot. And clearly dealing with difficult, aging parents can be a severe challenge -- even if the adult child doesn't have the health challenges you do.
It sounds like you're continuing the process of deciding when you've had enough...and IF you truly can let her go -- whether she sinks or swims, survives or not. That's not easy. But you may be getting there.
It's a process to accept what we cannot change.
My questions as I read your post....were: CAN you truly let her go? Are you in a financially position to do that? CAN you support yourself? Do you need her for financial help of ANY kind? I believe you said you pay her bills...out of HER money, I take it...so you manage ALL her finances? IF you need her for ANY financial help -- even if slight -- how CAN you cut her loose and leave her to her own devices?
IF you need to keep managing her money for HER sake and YOUR's -- then YOU need to get tough and EITHER tell everyone you ARE pulling rank because you have her medical and financial POA, and you tell THEM how it's going to be.....OR.....let her AND her money go.....
-- CAN you pull away completely...when you already know her bills won't get paid, she might not get meds, etc....and the docs and ALF people who already know you -- KNOW you have the POA -- so they're be calling you anyway, and bothering you about it.....so CAN you say no MATTER WHAT they could call and say she's walking out the door we're done with her -- that you'd hang up and say..."I don't care I'm done, oh, well? Call someone who cares." CAN you do that? THAT is what you need to come to terms with.
...or would you step back in so she's not kicked out of the facility and homeless on the street, so she can manage to save/keep some assets/money (if she gets Soc Sec or a pension SOMEONE has got to manage that) so she doesn't end up broke in the street like a homeless, mentally ill baglady.
HOWEVER, there is one other alternative.....you continue to do what you can, BUT get to the point of acceptance where you don't let her PUSH YOUR EMOTIONAL BUTTONS. When she calls you say, "yeah mom, no mom." If she starts to yell put the phone down, and come back a few minutes later, or say "mom you're yelling and I'm not going to listen to it. love you, BYE." ...When the facility calls you to give you an update -- ask them "what concrete action do you want me to do about it?" IF you can do what they ask, then great...if not, oh well.
YOU have got to get off your OWN emotional roller coaster. You already know she CAN"T get off. You're the only one of the two of you who can. It's been YEARS and she can still push your buttons, but each month that passes perhaps as you get more clarity yourself....you get closer to releasing what ever mental hold she has on you......and just doing what you can, BUT putting yourself first.
This is very common! Dementia patients often blame their caregivers for their illness. I remember an elderly relative of a friend telling me she was sure they were trying to poison her and steal her money! And she insisted on doing her own laundry because they were putting poison in the wash water. Luckily she moved on to other bizarre activities in a few weeks.
I read your other posts so I'm familiar with the situation. Honestly, there is nothing else you can do. At this point you can only save yourself. And if she takes the car make SURE the car and the insurance are in HER name. The last thing you need is to be sued by someone she injures. As a matter of fact, you probably need to see a lawyer and make sure you can't be held liable for her actions! I would do this ASAP.
After the 'divorce' is done, you have another decision to make. If you decide she is toxic and you are done with her, change your telephone number and walk away completely. If you can't do that, you will back in this same situation in a matter of days or weeks. If/when something happens the authorities will find you. And know she will be telling everyone you are an ungrateful wretch of a child.
The standards for competency vary from state to state. But generally speaking, if you know who you are, where you live, what day it is, and who is president...you are competent. Many people who are truly NOT competent can hold it together long enough to get through a competency hearing. Especially if a lawyer is coaching them. I had to go through this with my father(Alzheimer's/strokes). I am guessing your mom can call on her sociopath superpowers long enough to appear to be sane and rational for 15 minutes so no help there!
It is irrelevant whether I can make it totally on my own because she has cut off ALL financial assistance and now is also demanding my car so she can "use the car to find an apartment to live". I would be fine as I now have a good paying job and don't want to be manipulated by money anymore. Problem is, I got health insurance for the first time in years at her insistence. I just had the cartelige in my knee tear and now can't work right now and do need financial help until I can resume work. However, she told me "it's not her problem" and she's not going to help me. This is NOT why I want to sever ties. The reason I feel I may need to sever ties is because she is demanding I give up POA so she can leave the ALF, take the car, and get an apartment. I obviously don't want this and even offered, even if she won't help me anymore, to help her find a new ALF or senior community. She puts on a great front and is much much better thanks to the proper care and meds she gets at the ALF
However she is obsessed with control and wants to be totally on her own. As I said, she looks and sounds great and can pass any competency hearing/exam. Problem is she gets very very easily confused. For instance, before she got really bad and hsd to go to the hospital, one day she wanted to go to the neighborhood grocery store. Before she left, I showed her her checkbook, counted out cash for her and put it in her wallet, and finally gave her her debit card and even wrote the pin number down for her. She was gone HOURS and I was frantic. Finally she gets home with NO groceries. When I asked what happened, she proceeded to tell me "I never gave her the debit card", after I showed her the card and gave her her pin too. Then because she couldn't find the debit card, she could have paid wiyh her checkbook or the cash I counted out for her but obviously she became too confused to even shop for herself and pay for her groceries. Recently, I had given her Walmart gift cards she could use for shopping day at the ALF, she couldn't figure out how to use the gift card. This is the kind of stuff that happens all the time. Who cares if she can talk a good game and can tell you who the President is, when she can't figure out how to pay for groceries!
Despite all this and her admitting she can't keep track of her own meds, she wants to go out on her own. The reasons I may have to sever ties is because I will be the first person called the minute she gets hurt, sick, or hurts someone else. She wants to do whatever she wants but then expects me to give up my own life to help her, bail her out and clean up all her problems. But then balks and threatens me when I do get her a safe place to live. I can't take the turmoil again. Plus she is very very manipulative, lies incessantly, and is emotionally abusive. Heck, I've been diagnosed with PTSD from all she's done to me!
This is very common! Dementia patients often blame their caregivers for their illness. I remember an elderly relative of a friend telling me she was sure they were trying to poison her and steal her money! And she insisted on doing her own laundry because they were putting poison in the wash water. Luckily she moved on to other bizarre activities in a few weeks.
I read your other posts so I'm familiar with the situation. Honestly, there is nothing else you can do. At this point you can only save yourself. And if she takes the car make SURE the car and the insurance are in HER name. The last thing you need is to be sued by someone she injures. As a matter of fact, you probably need to see a lawyer and make sure you can't be held liable for her actions! I would do this ASAP.
After the 'divorce' is done, you have another decision to make. If you decide she is toxic and you are done with her, change your telephone number and walk away completely. If you can't do that, you will back in this same situation in a matter of days or weeks. If/when something happens the authorities will find you. And know she will be telling everyone you are an ungrateful wretch of a child.
The standards for competency vary from state to state. But generally speaking, if you know who you are, where you live, what day it is, and who is president...you are competent. Many people who are truly NOT competent can hold it together long enough to get through a competency hearing. Especially if a lawyer is coaching them. I had to go through this with my father(Alzheimer's/strokes). I am guessing your mom can call on her sociopath superpowers long enough to appear to be sane and rational for 15 minutes so no help there!
Absolutely, you hit the nail on the head. It is VERY difficult and costs thousands to get guardianship. I've known adult children who's parents had full blown Alzheimers and because the parent could be coached to recite the days of the week, what season it was, and other questions so simple a 3 yr old could answer, the parents were deemed "competent". Plus individuals with personality disorders are VERY wiley and manipulative. She is a master at deflection. And yes, she's told everyone who will listen that I am a selfish horrible child who has taken her life away and stuck her in a nursing home. I don't know whether to scream, cry, or vomit.
Absolutely, you hit the nail on the head. It is VERY difficult and costs thousands to get guardianship. I've known adult children who's parents had full blown Alzheimers and because the parent could be coached to recite the days of the week, what season it was, and other questions so simple a 3 yr old could answer, the parents were deemed "competent". Plus individuals with personality disorders are VERY wiley and manipulative. She is a master at deflection. And yes, she's told everyone who will listen that I am a selfish horrible child who has taken her life away and stuck her in a nursing home. I don't know whether to scream, cry, or vomit.
D) None of the above
You have received excellent advice, insight and perspective so at this point I can only encourage you to take care of yourself, first and foremost. After that and to the best of your ability to do so after your knee surgery...slowly start to put one foot in front of the other and make a life for yourself. In a years time these bad times will be a distant, sad, and dark memory from your past but it doesn't have to hold you hostage from your future or color your vision for a normal and new life.
I wish you the very best in finding your way. Please don't let your fear of "what people will think or say" from what you deserve...a good life!
After months of complaints and abuse, she calls me yesterday to tell me she is getting out, she was misdiagnosed, nothing is wrong with her, and she's retained an attorney to fight me. She had bought me a car a few months back because the old one we had was a money pit and now she claims it was only bought for her and she wants it back so she can start her new life. The car is in my name as was the old one. I told her I would not fight her going out on her own so she does not need an attorney. But I know she is unable to function on her own and will expect me to either help her or pick up the pieces when things inevitably go bad. I swear I will NEVER again work like a slave to keep her safe and healthy again when she has done nothing but hurt me.
Finally, she has been helping me financially because it was hard to get back on my feet after being a full time caregiver for years. I had no money saved at all as I was never paid for my help or work. Unfortunately, I just found out I need knee surgery and can't work until I'm healed. I bought health insurance for the first time in years because she told me to do it because I'm a mess from constant stress ect from full time caregiving.
Yesterday she told me she will no longer pay for anything. She is cutting me off and to "dry my tears and suck it up"! Nice, huh? Sadly, if she had called me and told me she needed help (which I have offered) to go to a different ALF or senior community, and that she would soon need to stop financial help because of the cost of her care- I would have been 100% understanding and helpful. But I now think after ALL these years, I may finally have to cut ties to save myself. It is just a matter of time before she gets hurt, hurts someone else, gets sick and I will again be expect to move in with her and pick up the pieces and the whole cycle will begin again.
She cannot take the car. It's in your name. She'll have to go to COURT to get your POA revoked. The POA is NOT what's keeping her there. If she were going to leave, she would. If she THINKS the POA is keeping her in the ALF then ...ok whatever. I thought we already established she's just one of these phone stalkers.
Besides the fact that her behavior is NOT UNIQUE. Mentally disturbed people who get dementia are worse than NOT mentally disturbed people who get dementia. You hear the same stuff about a large percentage of them even without a preexisting mental illness. She didn't retain a lawyer either!
OK really at this point you need to go see an attorney who specializes in these problems. You keep making up scenarios in your head because you don't know what ACTUALLY will happen "next".
Because your mom is NOT going anywhere but you're having trouble using the advice here. Maybe you'll be more receptive to it from a professional.
The FIRST thing you need to do is discuss this with the ALF caregivers and administrators preferably in person. Because as long as her bill is being PAID, THEY are the ONLY ONES WHO COUNT. Don't you THINK they'd at least call you if she was being a pain or trying to leave?
If she gets kicked out of there or checks out, then your problems start but you didn't even say what THEY SAY about her.
Are you even SPEAKING to them. ALL the care givers separately AND the administration need to be interviewed.
You are giving ABSOLUTELY NO CLINICAL OR OBJECTIVE information here.
I'm having trouble comprehending her actual status because of all the emotion but she sounds like a mentally ill person with some other physical problems / dementia. LIKE THE WRONG MEDS. Or not ENOUGH meds. Or an ongoing UTI.
WHO is doing her MEDICAL CARE? For example.
And NO, she will NOT be able to be"coached" into appearing NORMAL.
She couldn't even go the the grocery store for goodness sakes. So you ACTUALLY BELIEVE that she's capable of leaving, going "somewhere", then finding a lawyer, doing ALL THE THINGS required to be a PLAINTIFF to the court, then FAKE that she's not crazy or demented?
Gurl. Get yourself OUT of the daily situation with her on the phone blah blah blah. You're losing YOUR rational thought.
When she shows up in a taxi at your door you can worry about it. Your REAL next milestone is getting kicked out of the ALF and needing to put her in memory care lock down. NOT that she's going to get an apartment. How would she even pass the APPLICATION process?
Get help for YOU. This starts with YOUR mental health AND finding out from a professional ATTORNEY what you have to do to either extract yourself away from her without being responsible legally....or what the next step is if you chose to not do so.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 10-12-2014 at 02:31 PM..
all she needs to do is hire an attorney to revoke the POA which they may do. If she did buy you a car that attorney may say it was not a gift etc.
Any person can do a POA then do a letter which makes in null and void. Can you get out on your own at all. I myself had a poa then later did change it,
once you do a new POA it revokes the old one. A neighbor near me was in somewhat the same situation but with her the court had an approved person act as her financial guardian with money. regarding the car and her driving you could have the registry see if she really can safely drive,
Last edited by maggiekate; 10-12-2014 at 02:40 PM..
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