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My father died on February 10th. My brother and I just came back from seeing our stepmom, and helping her clean out everything that belonged to our dad. She was ready to do it; all of his clothes and everything are gone now.
She was very grateful for all of our help, but at the same time, she's very resistant to any change right now. Life Alert is "too expensive", and she keeps saying, "I'm only 72!" (which is meaningless, because my dad was that age when he first fell ten years ago). I talked to her about the possibility of her moving to a retirement community, but she thinks it's too expensive - and she's not ready to leave their house yet. Everyone says to give her a year to come to terms with everything, so I'm trying to be patient, but I'm worried about her. She's very isolated, and she watches the national news stations every waking moment.
She has an eye twitch. Actually, it's more than a twitch; her right eye closes almost completely and then it opens again. If I ask her about it, she becomes aware and it stops for a few minutes. This was happening a little bit in January, but it's happening much more now. She doesn't even notice it, which I find bizarre.
Good news: She set up a living trust with a "pour over will". A cousin and I are the successor co-trustees. The cousin is her Power of Attorney, because apparently the POA has to be a resident of Florida if they're not a blood relative. Her cousin lives in Atlanta, which is a lot closer than I am!
I'll provide more updates, but I don't expect any changes for the next few months at least. I've been to Florida three times in five months, and I'm really hoping I won't need to go back until next year for a "fun" visit!
Sorry about your dad. Sounds like you're doing 'ok'...considering.
How often will you talk with your step mom?
See if you can get her to get her eye examined. I suppose don't bug her about it if it upsets her, but maybe 'ease' her into an appointment.
Is she a very active, spry and healthy 72? Still kickin' and lively. You say she's isolated...is that because she lives in the burbs and doesn't drive or she seems depressed and has no desire to do anything? Does she have hobbies? Interests to keep her engaged? Anything she used to do that she can get back into now?
I take it she still drives...and does her own errands....who does she interact with day-to-day?
I said you sound like you're doing OK...How ARE YOU doing, really?
My father died on February 10th. My brother and I just came back from seeing our stepmom, and helping her clean out everything that belonged to our dad. She was ready to do it; all of his clothes and everything are gone now.
She was very grateful for all of our help, but at the same time, she's very resistant to any change right now. Life Alert is "too expensive", and she keeps saying, "I'm only 72!" (which is meaningless, because my dad was that age when he first fell ten years ago). I talked to her about the possibility of her moving to a retirement community, but she thinks it's too expensive - and she's not ready to leave their house yet. Everyone says to give her a year to come to terms with everything, so I'm trying to be patient, but I'm worried about her. She's very isolated, and she watches the national news stations every waking moment.
She has an eye twitch. Actually, it's more than a twitch; her right eye closes almost completely and then it opens again. If I ask her about it, she becomes aware and it stops for a few minutes. This was happening a little bit in January, but it's happening much more now. She doesn't even notice it, which I find bizarre.
Good news: She set up a living trust with a "pour over will". A cousin and I are the successor co-trustees. The cousin is her Power of Attorney, because apparently the POA has to be a resident of Florida if they're not a blood relative. Her cousin lives in Atlanta, which is a lot closer than I am!
I'll provide more updates, but I don't expect any changes for the next few months at least. I've been to Florida three times in five months, and I'm really hoping I won't need to go back until next year for a "fun" visit!
Your Dad...her HUSBAND...just died only 54 days ago. I think she may be full blown grieving.
Your Dad...her HUSBAND...just died only 54 days ago. I think she may be full blown grieving.
I agree.
I am surprised that she even was ready to get rid of his clothes & other things this soon. My father didn't want his adult children to touch his late wife's clothes (our mother's clothes) for over two years after her death (as he was still accepting her passing). And many of my friends did not go through their first parents things for six months or a year,or more, after the death (when the second parent/stepparent was still alive).
Of course, every person is different, but I would not rush things too fast.
I would encourage her to get her eye problem checked out, it may be something minor but it may be more serious.
I had neighbors on both sides of me experience a passing of their respective husbands within a year of each other. The surviving spouses were in their sixties, and they both ended up moving out within 5 to 7 years. They both found their homes too large after a while. One moved into the city to be closer to work. The other developed other friendships and eventually moved into a adult active retirement community condo.
My father died on February 10th. My brother and I just came back from seeing our stepmom, and helping her clean out everything that belonged to our dad. She was ready to do it; all of his clothes and everything are gone now.
She was very grateful for all of our help, but at the same time, she's very resistant to any change right now. Life Alert is "too expensive", and she keeps saying, "I'm only 72!" (which is meaningless, because my dad was that age when he first fell ten years ago). I talked to her about the possibility of her moving to a retirement community, but she thinks it's too expensive - and she's not ready to leave their house yet. Everyone says to give her a year to come to terms with everything, so I'm trying to be patient, but I'm worried about her. She's very isolated, and she watches the national news stations every waking moment.
She has an eye twitch. Actually, it's more than a twitch; her right eye closes almost completely and then it opens again. If I ask her about it, she becomes aware and it stops for a few minutes. This was happening a little bit in January, but it's happening much more now. She doesn't even notice it, which I find bizarre.
Good news: She set up a living trust with a "pour over will". A cousin and I are the successor co-trustees. The cousin is her Power of Attorney, because apparently the POA has to be a resident of Florida if they're not a blood relative. Her cousin lives in Atlanta, which is a lot closer than I am!
I'll provide more updates, but I don't expect any changes for the next few months at least. I've been to Florida three times in five months, and I'm really hoping I won't need to go back until next year for a "fun" visit!
I agree with the others, there's no reason for her to change too much right now if she doesn't want to. But it was nice that you were able to help her clean up and remove things that she no longer needed.
As far as the eye twitch -- possible it could be from an invisible stroke (mini stroke - tia) that was otherwise asymptomatic. Of course it could be lots of other things as well.
Keep in touch with her, visit her on occasion and invite her out for a visit, and as she decides that she wants to change some things when she decides how to move on with her life - I'm sure she'll talk to you (since you two clearly have a good relationship).
I am so sorry for your loss. It is a tough place to be in (I am similar living far away). I would suggest making sure she has a protocol if something should happen. Who can help her locally, who can check in on her from time to time just to be sure she is doing okay.
I work for a Auction and Real Estate company in Florida. If I can be of any service please contact me. I wanted to get that out of the way before I could relate.
My sister and I recently lost our father 2 years after my mother passed. I understand the situation completely. Parents are very resistant to change. The last conversation I had with dad in fact was, "You have to let me help you if you want to continue living in your home." He didn't like that that very much. I didn't know that I wouldn't see him again. We had a nurse stop by to check him as necessary. It helped. I also had to do his shopping etc. I lived close by (15-20 minutes). My sister lives in Houston. Sufficed to say, it was me or 911.
The distance is painful to everyone involved and dealing with life and possessions after your parents are gone can be very difficult.
You will learn a lot about how strong you are in the near future. Hang in there. This is a defining moment.
I wasn't the one to suggest going through my dad's things - she was. In fact, she started throwing away documents after my dad had only been gone for two weeks, well before my brother and I even got there! That caused a bit of a problem when she said she had thrown out letters from/to his parents, which I might have wanted to keep. She's definitely more of a "free spirit", not bogged down by a lot of material possessions.
She's relatively healthy, but her hands shake a lot and she has that weird eye twitch. She said she asked her doctor about the shakiness, but he said it's not Parkinson's, because she'd be shaking in a different way. (I hope she's careful with sharp objects, like knives!)
She's isolated, because she doesn't go out often. She goes out to do her grocery shopping, and she has lunch with a local friend once a month, but the rest of the time she's in the house with the T.V. on. She's not close to any of the neighbors, and the local friend lives on the other side of town about forty-five minutes away, and the friend has her own problems with an elderly husband. She doesn't have any hobbies that I know of; she reads a little, and she's addicted to news on TV. She spent most of her adult life working, and then taking care of my dad when she retired. She even said that she has to reinvent herself, and she's not sure how to do that.
The cousin (and co-successor trustee) is going to be out in my area for a visit very soon, so we're going to have dinner together and discuss this. We need to work out a system of calling her twice a day (which my stepmom thinks is overkill, but I'm worried about her falling or having a stroke, and lying there on the floor for a day or two before anyone even knows what happened!), and what we do if she doesn't answer the phone. I wouldn't panic if she didn't answer the first call, because she might be taking a shower or whatever, but if she didn't answer the second call an hour later, I'd get worried! We'd have to call the local law enforcement to do a welfare check.
I'm doing just fine. The truth is that my dad was deaf for a long time before he passed, so my phone calls for Father's Day and his birthday were very difficult for a few years. He hadn't truly been "Dad" for at least four or five years. I miss who he used to be, but I would never wish him to be alive in the state he was in the last time I saw him in January. It was a little sad to see several big boxes of stuff we were shipping to California, and realize this was the sum total left of his life.
Public Service Announcement: Smoking kills; please quit for the sake of your loved ones! He died specifically from pneumonia, but the underlying cause of death was COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). This was caused by smoking; he was a smoker from the time he was a teenager and he never did quit. Even when he'd come home from rehab, he'd start smoking again. He could be incredibly stubborn in the wrong ways.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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Mom and I had a system.
Every morning she called and left a message on my answering machine.
No message then I would call to check on her.
Worked for us. Im not a chatty phone person and neither was she.
Mom said
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Your Dad...her HUSBAND...just died only 54 days ago. I think she may be full blown grieving.
He could be incredibly stubborn in the wrong ways.
