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My mom died 3 years ago next month. She was a nurturer who took very good care of my dad. My dad is 82 now and has some Alzheimer related changes to his brain, but has not been diagnosed with Alzheimers. He does have pretty bad memory problems, though.
He had lived by himself since my mom died in a house that was about 20 minutes from our house. In May we moved and in June he moved to a house three doors down from our house. We like having him close so we can keep a better eye on him. He comes to our house for dinner every night and we invite him along on errands a couple of times a week. He still has his independence which is extremely important to him, but has us close enough to help him with whatever he needs, and to remind him to pay bills and take his meds.
He had prostate surgery 15 years ago and it ended up causing incontinence issues for him. He has to wear Depends pads because of this. We've helped him purchase a diaper genie for his bathroom because the pads smell pretty bad and that helps keep the odor down, though he does tend to stash the pads throughout the house sometimes. He doesn't always change the pads regularly and they will leak through to his clothing. He only changes his clothes every 4 or 5 days and may shower once a week, if we are going out to dinner or sometimes when we have errands to run. Sometimes he just puts on clean clothes instead of showering. He smells both like being unwashed and stale urine.
We try to encourage him to shower by telling him we'll pick him up at X time to run errands, so he may want to get his shower out of the way. Or, if he's wearing the same clothing for the 4th day in a row, I may ask him if he needs to do laundry. We don't want to insult him, but there are times it's almost unbearable to sit near him due to the smell.
I also tell him it's time for him to wash his hands just before dinner because I know he doesn't wash them at all except for that time and he has his hands in all the food we are serving (he doesn't always use a serving utensil and digs through looking for the "right" thing). My mom always told him it was time to wash his hands, so I was able to just pick up where she left off and that doesn't offend him.
He owns a company and was a very astute business man. He's proud and he's stubborn. I don't want to offend him because we are all he has. He is my stepfather and married my mom when I was a year old. His biological son lives within 30 minutes of us (we used to live 4 hours away). His son never even comes to visit him. My brothers live up north and my sister wants nothing to do with him. My husband is wonderful with my dad and I know my dad appreciates us for all we do for him. My son is also very good with my dad, but now lives 4 hours away, so he only sees him when he comes to visit.
We understood we would be taking care of him if he outlived my mom due to the family dynamics. We are still adjusting to our new role, but we definitely want him to know we are here for him. We just need to figure out a non offensive way to get him to bathe more regularly. Oh, and he doesn't brush his teeth, either. They are orange right now. We helped him pick out a toothbrush and toothpaste, so we know he has those items, he just doesn't use them.
My husband also has dementia. While his self care is still pretty good sometimes he needs to be firmly, told to do something. What if you simply tell your dad point blank " You need to take a shower and change into clean clothes and brush your teeth before we go to the store/whatever (at what ever interval you chose)". It would be best if it was consistent, such as taking him shopping or running errands every Tuesday and Thursday and then before Sunday dinner. So at least you know that he is thoroughly clean and in clean clothes, three times a week.
You can be firm with a grown adult without being mean or hurting their feelings. You can also say things like "All used diapers/pads/whatever need to go into the diaper genie" Or "You need to change your diaper/pad/whatever every morning when you get up, after lunch, after dinner and before bed". Or whatever times are appropriate You can even put posters up reminding him of those things.
You may need to be firm in the beginning, such as refusing to leave the house until he gets into the shower, changes his clothes, brushes his teeth and gets ready. After a few times it will become a routine for him. Sometimes putting it on a calendar will help, or listing the steps on a chart that he can follow.
What would be kinder, firmly telling him to take a shower & change into clean clothes before you go out in public or letting him go out the way he is, smelling bad and in dirty clothes. I bet that hinders his interactions with his friends and other seniors. Also, not brushing can cause future dental issues including tooth loss or gum or bone infections. And, I'm sure that you don't want to see him in pain.
Now, is it possible that he is afraid of falling in the shower or afraid of the water (not an unusual fear)? Has he been evaluated recently by an occupational therapist on his skill level for self-care?
Perhaps someone from the Council on Aging can do a home assessment. Maybe all he needs is a study shower chair or a hand held shower attachment and he will be fine.
Frankly, if his self care skills have diminished that far his memory problems and dementia may be worse than you realize. When was his last neuropsychological evaluation? When my husband started developing brain damage/dementia they recommended assessment every year to two years to monitor changes.
Good luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-26-2016 at 10:02 AM..
Does he have grab bars in the shower? Does he have a shower chair? Those items may help if he has a fear, like Germaine mentioned. I like her approach to the whole situation.
What if he received some special toiletries as a gift?
I didn't go into full detail because it's hard to cover everything without losing the reader with mundane (but pertinent) information.
He doesn't have a fear of water or of falling. I believe he forgets that he's worn the same clothes/not showered. If I tried to speak to him in a firm manner, it would damage our relationship. He's not child-like and like I said in my OP, he's very proud and very stubborn. I would never want to have him think I am talking down to him or treating him like a child. He has Alzheimer related changes, but has not been diagnosed with Alzheimers. He doesn't have dementia.
We live in the mountains. Running errands is on an as needed basis because a trip to "town" tends to take approximately 4 hours for the drive, the actual errands and the drive back to the house. Refusing to leave until he is ready will result in one of two ways; he will either refuse to go with us (for that trip and ever again) or he will take another hour or two to get ready and he's already late for everything. He's always been that way, it's just gotten worse as he's gotten older.
Thanks for the ideas and suggestions. I appreciate it. I probably shouldn't have posted here because I already know what will and won't work with him, so I am wasting people's time.
I didn't go into full detail because it's hard to cover everything without losing the reader with mundane (but pertinent) information.
He doesn't have a fear of water or of falling. I believe he forgets that he's worn the same clothes/not showered. If I tried to speak to him in a firm manner, it would damage our relationship. He's not child-like and like I said in my OP, he's very proud and very stubborn. I would never want to have him think I am talking down to him or treating him like a child. He has Alzheimer related changes, but has not been diagnosed with Alzheimers. He doesn't have dementia.
We live in the mountains. Running errands is on an as needed basis because a trip to "town" tends to take approximately 4 hours for the drive, the actual errands and the drive back to the house. Refusing to leave until he is ready will result in one of two ways; he will either refuse to go with us (for that trip and ever again) or he will take another hour or two to get ready and he's already late for everything. He's always been that way, it's just gotten worse as he's gotten older.
Thanks for the ideas and suggestions. I appreciate it. I probably shouldn't have posted here because I already know what will and won't work with him, so I am wasting people's time.
It's never a waste of time because someone else might need the tip. I know I have learned a lot reading what people post here.
I didn't go into full detail because it's hard to cover everything without losing the reader with mundane (but pertinent) information.
He doesn't have a fear of water or of falling. I believe he forgets that he's worn the same clothes/not showered. If I tried to speak to him in a firm manner, it would damage our relationship. He's not child-like and like I said in my OP, he's very proud and very stubborn. I would never want to have him think I am talking down to him or treating him like a child. He has Alzheimer related changes, but has not been diagnosed with Alzheimers. He doesn't have dementia.
We live in the mountains. Running errands is on an as needed basis because a trip to "town" tends to take approximately 4 hours for the drive, the actual errands and the drive back to the house. Refusing to leave until he is ready will result in one of two ways; he will either refuse to go with us (for that trip and ever again) or he will take another hour or two to get ready and he's already late for everything. He's always been that way, it's just gotten worse as he's gotten older.
Thanks for the ideas and suggestions. I appreciate it. I probably shouldn't have posted here because I already know what will and won't work with him, so I am wasting people's time.
Please continue to post. Someone may suggest an idea that you never considered. Also, others reading the thread may get ideas that they can try.
Is there a neurologist monitoring the changes in his functioning or just his family doctor? Seriously, if he has not been evaluated in a while it may be a good idea to have him checked out.
Again, everyone is different, but IMHO, someone who "forgets" to change their clothes for 4 or 5 days or "forgets" to shower for a week (unless they did this their entire life) may be having more difficulty than you realize.
Instead of talking firmly, would talking lovingly help?
You might want to start out by giving him disposable washcloths to clean himself. I'm assuming he is still handling the personal care himself and taking in suggestions for supplies. If there was a caregiver involved, it would be more intrusive.
I assume that the wicking of moisture by incontinence pads/liners/underwear still leaves residue on the skin or the inside of clothing. I wash everyday. At first, it was difficult to get her to comply but she now appreciates being clean. It's much more difficult to get them to take a bath, and that requires coercion at times.
It sounds like he could benefit from having a caregiver for a couple of hours a day, to help with reminding him to shower and brush his teeth and maybe to do some cleaning around the house. I'm sure he wouldn't want a "caregiver" but he might be willing to accept some help with housework.
My dad developed a fear of showering as his memory problems got worse. It happens sometimes. When he was staying with me, he refused to change his underwear for a week. I finally had to say we couldn't go to the hospital to see Mom until he had clean underwear on and had wiped his bottom with disposable washcloths. He was really mad at me and it was uncomfortable to have to assume a parental role toward my parent, but between not showering and not changing clothes, the smell was pretty bad.
It sounds like he could benefit from having a caregiver for a couple of hours a day, to help with reminding him to shower and brush his teeth and maybe to do some cleaning around the house. I'm sure he wouldn't want a "caregiver" but he might be willing to accept some help with housework.
My dad developed a fear of showering as his memory problems got worse. It happens sometimes. When he was staying with me, he refused to change his underwear for a week. I finally had to say we couldn't go to the hospital to see Mom until he had clean underwear on and had wiped his bottom with disposable washcloths. He was really mad at me and it was uncomfortable to have to assume a parental role toward my parent, but between not showering and not changing clothes, the smell was pretty bad.
It is often much, much easier for a caregiver (companion/friend/whatever you call it) to suggest that their charge do something like that than someone who they have a personal relationship with like a child.
My husband has a "buddy" (that's what we call him) who comes to our house four hours once a week. Originally my husband only agreed to please me but now he really, really loves having Harry come. They go grocery shopping together, do the laundry together, go for walks, watch TV, go to the library or just chat (it varies from week to week). Once Harry even took my husband to the barber. Harry also makes sure hubby takes his medication, eats lunch and drinks water & juice.
Harry also can do tasks like clean the bathroom, do the dishes, make meals and other housekeeping tasks or whatever I ask him to do. As my husband's dementia increases this is a way of getting him used to a caregiver being in the home (he also goes to Brain stretchers-adult day care that focuses on strengthening cognitive/social/motor skills twice a week).
In the future, bathing & other self care things may be substituted for the grocery shopping or other activities if needed.
Even for someone who is can function pretty well in some areas (my husband still loves to read the newspaper everyday, is pretty knowledgeable & can hold great conversations) having a buddy (caregiver)come to the home can be a huge benefit for both of us.
Can you leave him a list of things he needs to do every day on his bathroom mirror?
You can put everything on there like:
Make coffee
Eat Breakfast
Make bed
Shower
And then have specific chores on specific days:
Mondays:
Wash towels.
Tuesdays:
Wash linens
Wednesdays:
Wash white clothes
Something along those lines?
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