Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The balance I try to live with is all I have to keep my sanity. All of this life stuff works against someone like myself, a deep overthinker. But I am learning not to worry what doesn't get done (work, home, kids, parents, free time) and instead just do the best I can each day, and knowing when the day is over I did my best because that's all I can do. With my CPA firm, if I lose clients, so be it.
I think that's a very healthy and incredibly important attitude that a lot of people never seem to get to.
We laugh in my house (dad included) about "Good Enough". I got the sheet on the bed. It's crooked, I recognize now it has a tear and is generally too short - good enough!
I got breakfast for dad made - eggs cooked, strawberries cut, coffee warmed. The eggs are slightly overdone - Good Enough!
Bills are paid, taxes are nearly organized, but we're going to have to file for an extension (I don't think I knew what an extension was until I took over getting my parents taxes done in addition to my own!) - Good Enough!
There are lots of sayings in multiple cultures regarding this type of thinking, two of my favorite are "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" (or don't let the good be the enemy of the good enough! in my case) and though I'm not religious - I particularly like the "Man Plans, God Laughs" (yiddish saying).
You (or any caregiver, or any person for that matter) can only control so much. Recognizing that and accepting it goes along way to maintaining sanity.
Glad to hear you've adopted such a healthy attitude.
To the OP, as my wife & I found out taking care of my mom last year & even now it's a lot to deal with trying to heal our marriage and for me the loss of my mom as a whole. It's not for everyone & it's up to each person if they are able or not.
You know what? I had a meltdown over the weekend. For so long, I've had so much "on me" and so many people "needing my help" to do this or that or remember such and such and follow up with this and OH BY THE WAY I DO OWN A BUSINESS WITH CLIENTS THAT DEPEND ON ME TO DO STUFF and it just got to be too much. The meltdown happened because my dear husband tried to help out with things around the house, ended up putting something in harms way inadvertently, and I cut my hand because of it. The cut was almost like a jab at my psyche saying, "ha, you really DO have to do all of this yourself because look what happens when you don't?"
It is a ****ty way to feel, having a meltdown. I felt like a crybaby, and weak, and bratty. I felt awkward about making my MIL feel awkward because we are caring for her in our home. But at the same time I felt I had every right to shed those tears, if that makes sense.
I am very glad the OP posted this thread. I think it's an important reminder for us all.
You know what? I had a meltdown over the weekend. For so long, I've had so much "on me" and so many people "needing my help" to do this or that or remember such and such and follow up with this and OH BY THE WAY I DO OWN A BUSINESS WITH CLIENTS THAT DEPEND ON ME TO DO STUFF and it just got to be too much. The meltdown happened because my dear husband tried to help out with things around the house, ended up putting something in harms way inadvertently, and I cut my hand because of it. The cut was almost like a jab at my psyche saying, "ha, you really DO have to do all of this yourself because look what happens when you don't?"
It is a ****ty way to feel, having a meltdown. I felt like a crybaby, and weak, and bratty. I felt awkward about making my MIL feel awkward because we are caring for her in our home. But at the same time I felt I had every right to shed those tears, if that makes sense.
I am very glad the OP posted this thread. I think it's an important reminder for us all.
Amen and I know exactly how you feel. And the OP has a great attitude!
But OP, like wasel points out, it's OK to have a meltdown once in awhile. I had one a few weeks ago and let me tell you something - it certainly got peoples' attention. I am usually so upbeat and perpetually cheerful that when I DO have a crying, yelling, ugly, snotty, flailing my arms meltdown, it sends a very clear message.
I don't know about anyone else, but I felt better afterwards!
Amen and I know exactly how you feel. And the OP has a great attitude!
But OP, like wasel points out, it's OK to have a meltdown once in awhile. I had one a few weeks ago and let me tell you something - it certainly got peoples' attention. I am usually so upbeat and perpetually cheerful that when I DO have a crying, yelling, ugly, snotty, flailing my arms meltdown, it sends a very clear message.
I don't know about anyone else, but I felt better afterwards!
You know what? Sadly, the only way I am ever really taken seriously is if I have some dramatic display. I will say I need help or I can't do such and such but no one listens until the tears start.
That happened with my dad. He "needed something right away" and I said I couldn't (very calmly.) He persisted. I finally started crying and saying "You have no idea the pressure I am under -- I really cannot do that today. I can do it tomorrow and that's the best I can do."
You know what? Sadly, the only way I am ever really taken seriously is if I have some dramatic display. I will say I need help or I can't do such and such but no one listens until the tears start.
That happened with my dad. He "needed something right away" and I said I couldn't (very calmly.) He persisted. I finally started crying and saying "You have no idea the pressure I am under -- I really cannot do that today. I can do it tomorrow and that's the best I can do."
You never saw someone back off so fast.
LOL I have this problem ALL the time and across many different venues.
I am naturally a calm person in a crisis. I am also slow to anger - I mean, I get irritated easily but it's surface irritation - like, "Grrrrrr, I can't believe they don't have more checkout lines open - what the heck." But if a tornado is bearing down on the house, I calmly say, "Ok, everyone move into this small, windowless, interior room." And I take my glasses with me because if a tornado hits, I won't be able to find my contact solution and I want to be prepared for all possibilities!
True story: My ex husband was an abusive jerk. So told him, "If you don't stop being abusive, I am going to divorce you." I didn't yell it, I didn't cry, I didn't flail around and get hysterical. But the next time he got abusive (he could go a year or two in between bursts of abuse), I just calmly called an attorney and filed for divorce. He couldn't believe it! I said, "I TOLD you I wasn't going to put up with your abuse any longer. I was speaking English. What - you didn't believe me?" I guess I wasn't hysterical enough.
My husband (the current one - the good one!) was married before too. He is so much the same way. He had told his (now ex) wife that he was not going to continue to put up with her shenanigans. She didn't stop of course. So one day, it was a rainy weekend and they were housebound and she said, "I have an idea - why don't you make some of your stew?" And he calmly said, "I have a better idea - why don't you pack up your **** and leave?"
That's how we roll.
Anyway, may I make a suggestion to those Ironmen and Ironwomen among us? I don't often use the F word, so my kids and family know that if that words comes out of my mouth, I am F-ing serious about what I am about to say. Here's a general guideline, "Hey, Supposed Loved One, guess what. Listen closely. I am not F-ing kidding you about this. I need some F-ing help and I don't need your F-ing leftovers. Get your F-ing self over here and F-ing help me. And don't give me any more F-ing excuses."
Channel Steve Martin at the rental car counter in Planes Trains and Automobiles.
OK, maybe that exact approach won't work for everyone but you get my drift.
Real life thread right here.
I hope I have only half you guys' strength, when the time comes.
Although I don't know if the pools won't collapse, I purchased two long term care insurance policies. Although, even with finances not being an issue, it seems your lives as caregivers are stressed to the point of being nearly fatal.
Real life thread right here.
I hope I have only half you guys' strength, when the time comes.
Although I don't know if the pools won't collapse, I purchased two long term care insurance policies. Although, even with finances not being an issue, it seems your lives as caregivers are stressed to the point of being nearly fatal.
There have been relatives in my extended family where caregiving has proved to be fatal (caregivers neglected their own health and they ended up dying before the person that they were caring for did).
There have been relatives in my extended family where caregiving has proved to be fatal (caregivers neglected their own health and they ended up dying before the person that they were caring for did).
True.
OK, this is also true.
I've had a really tough couple of weeks, no - months, no - years. Anyway, I had a particularly trying weekend with more than the usual family drama, and that's saying a lot. Part of the drama is almost self induced (but temporary) because I've been going to some counseling for the past couple of weeks and the counselor is really encouraging me to double down on some issues and quit letting people in my family bully me, which is basically what had been happening. So consequently, I've made people mad at me again. Nothing new there, but at least it feels good to actually push back!
Anyway, Sunday night my husband took me to the movies - he has really been trying to get my mind off all this, and it's been working to some extent. So we were sitting in the theater, and my chest started hurting. The more I tried to ignore it, the more it hurt. And it was a definite pain to the left in my chest - right where my heart is.
This is how beat down I've been - I actually thought this: "Maybe I'm having a heart attack. Oh well, if I am, so be it. I'm finishing this movie." At one point, it became difficult for me to actually breathe!
Now - I know I should probably have said something, but honestly - I am a very healthy person. I don't have high blood pressure. I don't even have high cholesterol! And I figured it was probably stress and psychosomatic - but it still hurt, dang it.
After we got home, it had subsided but was still hurting some. I decided to tell my husband "Not trying to alarm you, but the thought has crossed my mind that I might be having a heart attack. I also might be having a stress attack."
Of course, he wanted to know if we needed to head to the hospital right away but honestly, it really seemed like overkill - and apparently it would have been because in an hour or so it was fine. And it's still fine.
But the very idea that at age 55, I am so stressed out that the possibility of a heart attack was LEGIT to me??????? That in itself is bad.
I also hyperventilated the other day - but I managed to go into my closet, sit on a stool, and calm back down. But you see why I am going to a counselor. I have to get a grip on all this.
I think after I go to a few more rounds of counseling, I am going to enroll in a yoga class. I honestly can't afford both at the same time, but I do think that yoga would be very helpful.
I am saying all this to add to the discussion that we caregivers have GOT to find that balance and we simply cannot "do it all" as the OP states so eloquently. I don't think any one of us can carry the load that most of us are carrying by ourselves for very long without it seriously and negatively impacting our health.
I've gained 15 pounds in the past two years. All stress related I assure you. I had to quit buying wine because I found out I was no longer able just to have one drink - or maybe two over a long evening. Oh no. Pop that cork and the next thing I knew I had downed three BIG glasses in about an hour and a half. So I had to switch to hot tea or I was going to become a freaking alcoholic and possibly even get cirhossis of the liver or something! Plus it was making me feel like crap the next morning and it was totally messing up my sleep pattern which was counter productive. And while one glass probably is beneficial, three glasses...errr, not so much!
I've had a really tough couple of weeks, no - months, no - years. Anyway, I had a particularly trying weekend with more than the usual family drama, and that's saying a lot. Part of the drama is almost self induced (but temporary) because I've been going to some counseling for the past couple of weeks and the counselor is really encouraging me to double down on some issues and quit letting people in my family bully me, which is basically what had been happening. So consequently, I've made people mad at me again. Nothing new there, but at least it feels good to actually push back!
Anyway, Sunday night my husband took me to the movies - he has really been trying to get my mind off all this, and it's been working to some extent. So we were sitting in the theater, and my chest started hurting. The more I tried to ignore it, the more it hurt. And it was a definite pain to the left in my chest - right where my heart is.
This is how beat down I've been - I actually thought this: "Maybe I'm having a heart attack. Oh well, if I am, so be it. I'm finishing this movie." At one point, it became difficult for me to actually breathe!
Now - I know I should probably have said something, but honestly - I am a very healthy person. I don't have high blood pressure. I don't even have high cholesterol! And I figured it was probably stress and psychosomatic - but it still hurt, dang it.
After we got home, it had subsided but was still hurting some. I decided to tell my husband "Not trying to alarm you, but the thought has crossed my mind that I might be having a heart attack. I also might be having a stress attack."
Of course, he wanted to know if we needed to head to the hospital right away but honestly, it really seemed like overkill - and apparently it would have been because in an hour or so it was fine. And it's still fine.
But the very idea that at age 55, I am so stressed out that the possibility of a heart attack was LEGIT to me??????? That in itself is bad.
I also hyperventilated the other day - but I managed to go into my closet, sit on a stool, and calm back down. But you see why I am going to a counselor. I have to get a grip on all this.
I think after I go to a few more rounds of counseling, I am going to enroll in a yoga class. I honestly can't afford both at the same time, but I do think that yoga would be very helpful.
I am saying all this to add to the discussion that we caregivers have GOT to find that balance and we simply cannot "do it all" as the OP states so eloquently. I don't think any one of us can carry the load that most of us are carrying by ourselves for very long without it seriously and negatively impacting our health.
I've gained 15 pounds in the past two years. All stress related I assure you. I had to quit buying wine because I found out I was no longer able just to have one drink - or maybe two over a long evening. Oh no. Pop that cork and the next thing I knew I had downed three BIG glasses in about an hour and a half. So I had to switch to hot tea or I was going to become a freaking alcoholic and possibly even get cirhossis of the liver or something! Plus it was making me feel like crap the next morning and it was totally messing up my sleep pattern which was counter productive. And while one glass probably is beneficial, three glasses...errr, not so much!
BTW, my new cardiologist said that if chest pain, even strong chest discomfort, lasted five minutes and then goes away that may be OK, but if it lasts 10 minutes you need to call 911. I sort of scoffed at him "Oh, come on. Only ten minutes of pain and you need to call 911?" He said "Yes, and don't think that you can drive to the hospital or someone else can drive you to the hospital, you NEED to call 911 RIGHT AWAY. Do not wait."
Well, that is what he told two weeks ago and made me promise to follow that guideline.
Of course, your doctor may give you different advice.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
