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Four years ago, my folks moved to an assisted living place on the mainland near me (I live on an island with no assisted living facility). I'd go often to visit, do financial things, take them to appts and shopping, fix computer issues, etc. After a year, they decided that they felt strong enough to move into a little apt on the island, where we could see each other a couple times a day, and they could live by their own schedule. Now, three years later, they decided they needed assisted living again. I was all in favor, as my father's physical health is deteriorating and the responsibility was getting to be a bit too much. But on the day I was going to send in a deposit, my father changed his mind. When I called the facility to say that at least for now, we were no longer interested, they mentioned that the exact unit my folks were in three years ago was shortly to become available, if that made a difference. And to my surprise, it made a huge difference. My father just lit up at the idea of getting his old unit back.
What this really brought home to me is how difficult it is to handle change when you are frail and 90. I hadn't even thought of this as being a change or a big deal, it's a one story building, maybe at a guess, 50 or so units. But in his mind, being in a different part of the building, different view, different access doors, was insurmountable. Dad hasn't ever expressed this, but the complete and sincere change of heart when the original unit became available, sure seems like fear of anything new is the deciding factor.
So I'm mentioning this as a possible clue to the behavior of your own aging loved ones, that what may seem like irrationality or stubbornness could be a terror of being in unfamiliar territory. Even if to us it might seem that they are in familiar territory, just a small change might be enough to provoke this strong fear.
Now for the little thing. On a lark one day, I showed my folks a few webcams from around our state, the country, and the world. They really enjoy it, and now sometimes ask me, let's see what's going on in Friesland or California or Alaska. Have to time Europe though, so that after our supper, we're not staring at a silent street at night. We check out Europe in our morning. So if you think your "caree" (if I'm the carer, are they the carees?) might enjoy this, help yourself to the idea!
Great write up. Probably why my mother in law is so adamant about her apartment and her building. There are 7 buildings and you would think they are 7 different countries with security at each door. I think she is uncomfortable "invading" other's spaces.
She loves my research on the internet and is amazed at what we find.
So I'm mentioning this as a possible clue to the behavior of your own aging loved ones, that what may seem like irrationality or stubbornness could be a terror of being in unfamiliar territory.
That's an excellent point.
I'd like to expand on that further, if I may, by pointing out that your father didn't just wake up one morning being afraid of the unknown. It happens over time. I'm 63, for a few more weeks anyway, and I am finding myself very resistant to change in ways I wasn't when I was younger.
They say that the aging brain resists change but by being mindful of that fact, for ourselves as well as those we care for, we can push through it.
My father just lit up at the idea of getting his old unit back.
What this really brought home to me is how difficult it is to handle change when you are frail and 90. I hadn't even thought of this as being a change or a big deal, it's a one story building, maybe at a guess, 50 or so units. But in his mind, being in a different part of the building, different view, different access doors, was insurmountable. Dad hasn't ever expressed this, but the complete and sincere change of heart when the original unit became available, sure seems like fear of anything new is the deciding factor.
That is very true. Four years ago I decided to trade in the big house on top of a hill in GA and get a smaller house on a flat street with sidewalks in FL. I did it then because my husband, who has Lewy Body Dementia, was still fairly lucid and I wanted him to be able to adjust to his new surroundings while he still could. He always liked Florida and it was his idea to move here, but it is still a big deal to have to get used to a new place when your memory fails you. One afternoon last year he wandered out back onto a golf course and got "lost".The golfers whose game he disrupted called the club and they sent someone to pick him up. They asked where he lived and he told them that it wasn't far because he wasn't walking very long but he didn't know which house was his (even though he was standing right behind it). After I retrieved him I ordered a medic alert bracelet with my phone # on it.
I really believe that as people age and decline in health it is important to their peace of mind to surround themselves with things and people that are familiar to them. While I would look at moving as an opportunity to get rid of some old stuff and redecorate with some new my husband is much more comfortable with having things that are familiar to him.
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