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I was at work today and just found out my mom is in the hospital. I'm 30 and my parents are early 60s. My mom has been complaining of vertigo and trouble sleeping for awhile. I told her to go to the doctors if it's worse. Well apparently on Monday she threw up, than she was really dizzy the past few days. Then today she couldn't even get up out of bed. So they went to the hospital. Didn't even tell me or my sister until hours later.
My parents aren't good at giving information. They are afraid to upset us, worry us and want to pretend everything is fine. My mom told me her blood pressure was 200/160, but it's down now. They told her she either had a small heart attack or was going to have one. Now she has to take blood pressure meds forever. The worse news is that she has two either lesions or masses on her brain. I don't know which. I asked her if she wanted me to come there, and they yelled at me over the phone no.
I'll be honest, right now I don't know much. I'm just scared and had to leave work because I burst out into tears. I work in a hospital btw, although I'm not a nurse or doctor. The last thing I found out was they might move her to the bigger hospital and see a neurosurgeon.
I don't know what to do, say, feel. I feel sad and keep crying though. I need to be stronger than this. I just feel like brain mass is never good no matter what way you slice it. My mom has been forgetful for a long time. She asks the same questions a lot. Her mother was the same way actually and had strokes.
I don't know if they have to remove something. I'm worried what that will do to her brain. I don't know if it's cancer. My family is all I have. I haven't even had kids yet. I can't even imagine my kids not knowing my mom God forbid. My dad isn't good at dealing with things. He gets depressed when everything is fine, so I don't know what to do about him either.
I'm sorry this isn't very informative. I don't know where to go from here.
Take some deep breaths. Try not to catastrophize. Your mom is alive and she's being cared for.
I know they told you not to come. They probably said that because they thought you wouldn't worry. I think you're going to worry yourself sick if you don't go.
Do you think maybe you should go, to support your Dad?
Either go to the hospital or visit your dad at home.
If you go through this again with them, don’t ask if you should visit, TELL them you will see them at the hospital.
If you visit your mom, it will take some of the burden off your dad.
And you need to talk to him about what the doctors are saying.
It is not a burden or tragedy to take blood pressure meds. This sounds like the least of your mom’s problems. But take things step by step. She should be in good hands. Things might not be as bad as you fear,
But tell your folks they HAVE to level with you from now on.
Better yet, have both your parents sign Release of Information forms which permits the hospital staff to keep you posted about their medical condition. Do the same for them so that they'll feel more comfortable about it. Then you can get the facts and prognosis direct from the doctor to assist your parents in making medical decisions.
Actually all members of families should have these today with the HIPAA Law. If your child is placed in the hospital and is an adult the staff cannot release information to anyone without his permission.
We ran into this a few years ago when our adult son was in a coma they didn't think he'd recover from and no one could tell us what happened. They didn't think he'd recover and we were asked to decide whether to terminate without a bit of vital information. It was a terrible and confusing spot to be in.
OP, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. No one ever warned my husband and me about the emotional (and logistical) stress of elder care, and frankly, it hit us right between the eyes with his parents. Thankfully this horrible experience helped us when it came to my parents - we were better informed and knew the ropes better if that makes sense.
It is time for you to sit down with your parents and lay out what needs to happen. First of all, and this is the easiest step, as Lodestar said, get your parents to add you as a person authorized to obtain medical information under the HIPAA laws. This is one form, signed by them, in each hospital system that they may use. Just start with the current hospital and doctor.
This will open up a discussion that needs to happen. Your parents and you and your sister need to sit down together and discuss Powers of Attorney, executors of wills, end of life wishes, etc. At the very least, you and/or your sister need to have a medical POA, and preferably a general, durable Power of Attorney for both parents. (GDPOA)
It is time for you and your parents to begin interacting as supportive and loving adults rather than in parent/child mode. You are no longer a child. They are going to need your help now or in the future. If they expect this help, they need to give you the tools you will need to help them. And if you want to understand what is going on with them, then you need to step up and be an adult.
Good luck and please keep us posted. This is a great section of the forum, full of very practical advice. We are here to help you.
Better yet, have both your parents sign Release of Information forms which permits the hospital staff to keep you posted about their medical condition. Do the same for them so that they'll feel more comfortable about it. Then you can get the facts and prognosis direct from the doctor to assist your parents in making medical decisions.
Actually all members of families should have these today with the HIPAA Law. If your child is placed in the hospital and is an adult the staff cannot release information to anyone without his permission.
We ran into this a few years ago when our adult son was in a coma they didn't think he'd recover from and no one could tell us what happened. They didn't think he'd recover and we were asked to decide whether to terminate without a bit of vital information. It was a terrible and confusing spot to be in.
Excellent points.
Since my adult children live far away, I have even listed my brother and niece (who live close by) as people who are allowed to contact the hospital/doctors about my care (just in case).
Take some deep breaths. Try not to catastrophize. Your mom is alive and she's being cared for.
I know they told you not to come. They probably said that because they thought you wouldn't worry. I think you're going to worry yourself sick if you don't go.
Do you think maybe you should go, to support your Dad?
I'm going to post a dissenting viewpoint. When my husband was fighting cancer both of our children were in college/graduate school out of state (our son was 2,000 miles away). Hubby was in and out of the hospital numerous times over the next year (often just for a day or two). If our children had flown home each and every time hubby was in the hospital they would have been broke and very, very behind on their school work.
OP, please just wait until you have more information.
I'm very sorry to hear of your mom's troubles. She's being cared for by professionals and they seem to be on top of it -- to the point that they're even considering escalating her care to further specialists.
Posting in caregiving is fine, but right now you're not caregiving. You're just an adult child who is scared that her mom is ill. That's okay, of course you are.
No one wants to face the prospect of a loved one becoming seriously ill.
Everyone here is wishing the best for you, but right now you need to do what you can for yourself to pull it together. Crying when you found out your mom was sick isn't wrong, but as other's have said - you're catastrophizing everything.
If you're physically close enough to your parents, take a day and go visit and try to 'calmly' find out what is known. If you're not physically close, try to focus on what you can control (your job, your life) and talk to them about when it might make sense for you to take some vacation and come visit.
You may need to help them (caregiving) in the future, but right now your parents are still pretty young and depending on what the issue with your mother is, she may make a full or very significant recovery - which would mean it may be a decade (or more) before they need any real assistance.
As far as them not sharing information - my mother was diagnosed with cancer while I was at college. I found out in a letter/postcard 1 week after she'd had surgery. They wanted me to focus on school and not worry. Your parents want you to succeed at your life and not worry about theirs. It might be impractical, but it's a common impulse of all parents it seems.
If you need to - find someone around you that you can talk to (employee assistance program at work?) to help you with some of the significant fears/concerns you have expressed here.
We don't know where the OP lives in relation to where her parents are. We don't know anything about her schedule, transportation options, etc. What we do know is that she is working and that she is 30 years old. So in my opinion, and that's all it is, she is an adult, and she and her parents need to start interacting on that level - adult to adult.
She needs information, and she needs to deal with that information as an adult. Now - I am 56 and my oldest daughter is in her thirties. If I went to the hospital, I wouldn't tell her until I had a diagnosis, unless I mean like I was deathly ill and taken by ambulance or something. I do think it's natural for parents to want to shield adult kids from worrying too much. But apparently the parents in this case ARE telling their adult child enough to get her worried.
It's time to talk adult to adult and get expectations out on the table. Everyone. That's my opinion.
It sounds like your parents are taking the needed steps for your Mother's health care. If you live near them, go visit. If you don't, wait for a little more information.
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