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I currently live north of Phoenix and it's too cold for me here. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I think I want to move back to Phx. I want another house, not a condo, not an apt. I am considering taking in my ex husband as a renter. He lives in a nursing home now but really doesn't need that yet. I would only do it if he paid rent, acted as a normal older man would, and did not require me to care for him. He has a bad knee but otherwise does ok. He likes to drink beer and I do not. He uses a walker and does not drive.
The concern I have is the future. If one of us needs nursing care, how would we work it out? I could use the income of a renter, but realize I don't want a stranger living in my home. My daughter thinks this is a wonderful solution; she gets on a plane to go visit him at least 4 times a year. I do not go with her so I have not seen him in many years. The divorce was many years ago and we do not know each other now.
Am I living in fantasy land? Is there any chance of this working or is it filled with too many problems?
Any advice is appreciated.
Yeh- your ex-husband whom you have not seen in many years and is currently living in a nursing home would move in with you. What could possibly go wrong?
He doesn't drive.
He drinks.
He would have to conform to your societal expectations. You would have to be very specific about what he could not do.
He has one bad knee already.
He has to use a walker.
He's in a nursing home. So, he doesn't do laundry; he doesn't clean his living space; he doesn't cook his meals; he doesn't have to arrange his own transportation; he is monitored daily regarding illness; he presses a call button and someone shows up in his room to take care of him. Is he currently in Phoenix? Does he have friends or does he sit in the house all day?
You say "he doesn't need it YET". Well what happens if he or you need help next week? Will you throw him out? Cancel his lease?
Dementia can be a problem. Physical disability can be a problem.
If you couldn't live together when you were both young, healthy, and worked so that you were not home all day, what makes you think you want to spend time with him now?
Of course there's a "chance" of it working, but it doesn't seem like a great idea to team up with a husband when you've already split in the past.
I understand your reluctance about a stranger, but there are many instances of two older people sharing a home and finding it works out well. Also, there is the possibility of your buying a house with a separate entrance, so that you could rent a room, with the understanding that your tenant would use his own entrance, without having the run of the house.
If he already has a room in a nursing home I wouldn't want him to leave, he may not be able to get back in when his health gets worse.
There are many reasons why I divorced my ex, I would have absolutely no desire to ever live with him again. Taking him on as a renter once he is older, more helpless, sicker, probably grumpier, maybe demanding a freezing house, well, no.
He's an ex for a reason. You don't want a stranger living with you, but haven't seen him in years. He is a stranger. A stranger that drinks. He also doesn't drive. As someone else said.... Who will clean up after him? He's in assisted living - that generally means someone needs assistance of some sort. He's certainly unlikely to reverse time and become more independent. As for acting like a normal older man.... what's that exactly? He's not likely changed personalities during your years apart.
Sure, this may work out for your daughter - she doesn't have to fly out to see her father several times a year. You can deal with any problems your ex may be having. Afterall - you will be right there living with him.
Definitely a lot of red flags. This sounds horrible to me, having had an alcoholic ex who ended up on dialysis, out of his mind, in addition to being a nasty person to start with.
Why on earth would you take in someone you divorced? This is bad idea, in my opinion.
Good answers. Mostly, I wanted income and I know my ex is very unhappy in his current place. He got there because my son took him out of his apartment and put him there. He fell a couple times because of the knee and paramedics had to come get him up. My son did not want to deal with him. My daughter feels otherwise, but maybe she is thinking I want to deal with it.
A much better solution would be to find an older person, male or female, whom I already know to room with. But, right now, I don't have any prospect of that.
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