How to emotionally accept the caregiver role as a spouse (father, money)
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So I made it 40 years of my life without being married and I was perfectly happy with that. I got married 6 years ago, spouse was 28 at the time. Didn't realize it then, but I got a broken one. Since we got married, she has had both knees replaced, she now has bad arthritis in her back and shoulders and may need surgery there, also has arthritis in her wrist and is having complications from one of the knee surgeries. There is also endometriosis causing bad abdominal pain and fibromyalgia which causes her all over pain.
All of this at a young age and the limited mobility and all the pain really has her not feeling well emotionally so she just wants to stay in bed all day and eat junk food which has caused her to gain over 100lbs in these years which is causing her even more health issues.
For a while, I thought things would begin to resolve once they get taken care of, and that very well may happen - I am fortunate to work in healthcare and have access to very good medical insurance and care. But for now, it is just one thing after the other that comes up for her.
It is really taking a toll on my health also. I do work full time, commute 3 hours round trip 5 days a week, am paid by the state to help care for her (IHSS in California) and drive ride share (Uber & Lyft) part time to help get the bills paid since she hasn't been able to work for many years and hasn't been able to get on disability either. I work and drive close to 80 hours in 5 days during the week, which includes doing things around the house that I would be doing anyway (cook, clean, laundry, etc) so I can't honestly call it all work, but it is in a way. This leaves me not enough time to take care of myself or even sleep enough, so I make up some of it by sleeping most of the weekend, which isn't healthy either.
I'm not looking to take the easy way out, I'm not a quitter and we did the whole for better or worse deal. But I really don't want to be a caregiver for the rest of our lives either - hers or mine, whichever comes first. Unfortunately, most of our close friends and family have moved out of the area, so don't really have anyone to call on for help. We're not in a position to afford a paid helper. I could give up the IHSS work and let someone else do it. But she had issues in the past with strangers that were working with IHSS and stealing things so she prefers I do it and if I did that, I'd need to make up the $$$ difference, so would just be out driving ride share more. Just looking for thoughts or suggestions because I definitely can't do this forever...
Please take care of your own health. What would happen to your spouse if you had a severe heart attack or a stroke or other major health issues and couldn't care for her or you died? What would she do? Go into a nursing home or "magically" get well enough to care for herself or "find" money for caregivers? Perhaps, skip the dying part and investigate other options now. See if she qualifies for additional services/money for being disabled. Maybe marriage counseling would help or individual counseling if she is too depressed to get out of bed. Good luck.
I was the part time caregiver for my spouse (of 40 years) for a number of years and a full time caregiver for 2 1/2 years and it almost killed me. In retrospect, I should have taken much better care of my health and considered putting my spouse in a facility sooner and not waiting until I had stage IV cancer and was totally unable to care for him.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-09-2019 at 05:51 PM..
See www.caregiver.org/emotional-side-caregiving
Take care of yourself. Try to do something for yourself for relaxation.Go see your GP about this. Some medical things can perhaps be helped a bit and perhaps some counselling for both of you.
She has to be motivated and get out of bed. Having a sort of day routine even if it is just little things she can do.
The food issue yes being at home in such a multiple illnesses situation causes folks to eat and snack. Having pains and being in bed all day and dwell on things one feels it even more.Maybe some sort of hobby to take her mind of things. Join a patient group where she goes meet other patients.If you have a swimming pool you can visit maybe that is something for her.
OP, as nicely as I can say this, your wife needs to take some personal responsibility and carry some of this load. You have taken admirable care of her but you can't work and do this indefinitely or it will affect your own health and emotional well being.
Her arthritis is no doubt made worse by the 100 lb weight gain. Her knees will worsen from that weight. Obesity contributes to inflammation in the body which brings on health problems such as arthritis and heart disease. She must stop eating the junk food and staying in bed. This is learned helplessness, and it is evidently working because you are doing everything.
Someone once said that true love is having expectations of the other person so they'll become the best they can be. She may be too depressed to envision a brighter future, but you can help shine a light. She can set some attainable goals for herself, share in the housework, and help both of you plan for a better future. Start by throwing out the junk food and eating healthier. Begin a regular habit of exercise, even walking around the neighborhood in the fresh air. She could join the local YMCA or a gym - they sometimes have classes for people with arthritis and/or she can use the circuit weight machines. Her doctor or the doctor's nurse may also have ideas for a local exercise program.
As they say on the airplanes, put on your own mask first. Remember to take care of yourself also, eating right, getting enough sleep, and making some time for things you enjoy. I wish you the best.
I agree with the posts here and believe, though it is hard, to set boundaries and put you first. I put my father first for obvious and natural reasons as a caregiver and saw my life just disappear right in front of me.
She needs to put in the effort at least to better herself and show initiative, that alone would help you feel more enthusiastic about the entire thing since she is trying.
You first, then the individual you are caring for!
Is there a way to cut expenses so you do not have to generate so much income? How about looking for a job closer to home.. or moving closer to your job to cut commute time? I know you said she did not like the caregiver and prefers you... but you can't survive doing it all. She needs to be sensitive to that.
Man, I know how you feel. Been in a similar situation, It's not a walk in the park. But like everyone said you gotta make time for yourself. Does your wife have any siblings/family that can help you?
This is a tough situation. I commend you and hope things work out for the better because your wife would be worse off without you and that's why you gotta take care of yourself first. Sounds selfish but its gotta be done.
Who tends to her when you are driving ...working 80 hours a week ?
I could see if this was a 24/7 at home tending to the infirmed, yet I question the caregiver role when unfortunately you are on the road or in hire mode for your job, as opposed to most caregivers who are in constant contact with the infirmed.
Being Self -worthy of down time or simply being able to distract your overworked mind and body would be a must when you see this style of running around.
I personally had to take up yoga ...and find one day a week to get an hour reprieive of a pedicure or a pampering session of sorts.
Nonetheless you seem dedicated to your spouse. Seek help thur your local community - church, United Way, or Charity Service. For her and yourself.
It sounds like your wife may be severely depressed. Will she go see a professional?
100 lbs is a serious weight gain. It seems her doctor would want her to get to a healthy weight. She could be a candidate for medically supervised weight loss plan.
You need take care of you, too.
It is one thing to take care of your spouse. It is entirely another to work your fanny off, while your spouse is not doing her part to minimize her health issues. I would want to see her addressing the depression which might include Rx anti-depressants & getting on a plan to get to a healthy weight. I would only buy healthy food, if she gets junk food in that is on her.
I would give her, in my mind, a realistic time frame to get onboard. If she refuses to address depression & persists on making her condition worse by eating junk & staying in bed, I would consider my options including separation/divorce. You might need see counselor to help you clarify your feelings.
Right now you must be exhausted and running on auto pilot. You need find healthy ways to de-stress & get some time to do things you enjoy.
Please take care of your own health. What would happen to your spouse if you had a severe heart attack or a stroke or other major health issues and couldn't care for her or you died? What would she do? Go into a nursing home or "magically" get well enough to care for herself or "find" money for caregivers? Perhaps, skip the dying part and investigate other options now. See if she qualifies for additional services/money for being disabled. Maybe marriage counseling would help or individual counseling if she is too depressed to get out of bed. Good luck.
I was the part time caregiver for my spouse (of 40 years) for a number of years and a full time caregiver for 2 1/2 years and it almost killed me. In retrospect, I should have taken much better care of my health and considered putting my spouse in a facility sooner and not waiting until I had stage IV cancer and was totally unable to care for him.
She DOES qualify for services, but she doesn’t want to have someone else act as a caregiver. That is the real issue. I think she needs to go to counseling to help her get out of funk (sitting around in bed is around the worst thing you can do for fibromyalgia, especially when combined with eating all the time and gaining 100 pounds), and the OP needs to put his foot down and say someone else is going to come in as a caregiver. It is absolutely too much for him to be working a full-time job with a huge commute, working uber, and being his wife’s caregiver. That leaves him no time for himself and soon enough, no one in the home will be able to work.
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