Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's been awhile since I have posted for myself in the Caregiving Forum. My mom is 82 and lives by herself. She is currently okay, still sharp, still independent. She has someone that comes in twice a week for an hour or two to check on her and help her with chores.
That said, she lives in another state. My sister is about 30 minutes away, but doesn't really have a lot of contact with my mom and isn't a lot of support. She is planning on moving next year when she retires hours away.
So the question is, what to do to support my mom? I don't want her to come and live with us, she will grate my every nerve and ruin this family. She has a way of degrading literally everything I do, everything is wrong. It will be amplified if she lives with me.
I don't know how long my husband and I will be in Texas. My daughter has one year left of high school, I can work anywhere and my husband changes jobs like his underwear. So we are thinking of moving to the state we want to retire in a year or two.
I don't think her moving to Texas is a great choice, mainly because I don't know if we'll be here long term. She'll have no friends, only me. She isn't social as it is so it will be difficult for her to move.
Her desire is to stay as long as she can in her house. That said, it feels awful being thousands of miles away and not being able to help her when needed and knowing my sister does nothing and is moving away.
Its such a common problem; living far away from an aging parent. Been there done that. IMHO all you can really do at this point is talk over the "what ifs" with your mom while she's in good shape and make some plans. Discuss emergency response situations and maybe set some sort of call button. Even if you don't actually DO anything differently, just having thought about it makes it easier to react if it does.
You may have already done this stuff...if so, I apologize. Make sure you have contact info for any medical providers and can have access to medical records. Have contact info for the person who checks on her (and stay in touch with her), a local friend (there must be someone) or a neighbor just in case. Know where important things are...safe deposit box keys, info on current utilities, bank accounts, checkbooks, credit cards, etc.
You may not need any of this for quite a while, but both of you may end up feeling a bit better about everything if you have some agreements and know you won't need to scramble as badly if things go south.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-08-2019 at 01:09 PM..
Its such a common problem; living far away from an aging parent. Been there done that. IMHO all you can really do at this point is talk over the "what ifs" with your mom while she's in good shape and make some plans. Even if you don't actually DO anything differently, just having thought about it makes it easier to react if it does.
You may have already done this stuff...if so, I apologize. Prepare legal tools in advance such as POA, healthcare directive, will, trust, beneficiary designations on assets, set up signatory authority on a bank account in case you have to take over some financial transactions, etc. Discuss emergency response situations and maybe set some sort of call button. Make sure you have contact info for any medical providers and can have access to medical records. Have contact info for the person who checks on her (and stay in touch with her), a local friend (there must be someone) or a neighbor just in case. Know where important things are...safe deposit box keys, etc.
You may not need any of this for quite a while, but both of you may end up feeling a bit better about everything if you know you won't need to scramble if things go south.
Thanks Parnassia. We have all that in order. I just hate her being all by herself so far away. Of course I feel like a horrible daughter. I wish there was more I could do.
Thanks Parnassia. We have all that in order. I just hate her being all by herself so far away. Of course I feel like a horrible daughter. I wish there was more I could do.
Don't feel horrible. It's life. If you beat yourself up who is that going to help? No one. It will just make every decision harder. Guilt and resentment are killers. I know exactly how you feel. My dad and I lived a couple thousand miles apart. He was somewhat estranged from my sister who lived closest (of COURSE) and the other lived overseas. My career was specifically tied to location. There was no way I could continue with it and support myself if I moved closer. My dad wouldn't move an inch for anyone else's benefit. I think what helped the most was keeping our relationship in good shape and setting agreements in advance, so we approached problems as a team, not adversaries.
Is your mom open to looking at assisted living places? Not with the idea that she will necessarily move anytime soon, but so that you know what's available. It sounds as if, for now, she's fine in her house, and would most likely want to stay in her current city of residence.
My folks absolutely refused to even think about looking at alternative housing, so when the time came, we had to make decisions quickly and without their input. It was extremely stressful. I think it would take some of the worry from both of you if she had already chosen a place she liked. If/when the time comes that she needs to leave her house, if she knows she has a nice place to go it might make the decision easier for all of you.
My parents were shocked at how nice their assisted living apartment was, and surprised that their dogs could stay with them. I think part of the reason it was so difficult to get them into a safe living situation was because they pictured the world's worst nursing home as their only alternative. It's never easy to leave your home, but I honestly believe that if they had been willing to check out the available facilities, they wouldn't have been so adamant about not leaving the house.
Anyway, if she's willing to explore the possibilities, you could assess what's available in her area. If the two of you don't find anything suitable, then you could start looking in your area to see if there's something better there. It's great that you have some time to plan - if she's open to planning. If not, maybe sometime when you visit, you can go without her to check out places, just in case the time comes when you have to make decisions quickly.
I definitely understand that moving in with you isn't an option.
If your mom is counting on your help with daily or weekly things, then she needs to move closer to you, not the other way around. That's how I see it, anyway. When we're young we live where our parents decide to live, because we are dependent on them. When they're old, they live where we decide to live, because they are dependent on us.
That's assuming they expect us to help with their daily or weekly needs, that is. They may not want or need our help and that's OK too. But what gets me is when they DO expect and need our help, but they live far away from us and we feel pressured to move THERE. Wherever that is. Nope. Their turn to move if at all possible.
I mean, it needs to be a two way street.
My inlaws lived about an hour from us - way the hell out in the middle of nowhere - and as they went down, they wanted us there more and more often, till we were making that trip (one hour one way, so it was a two hour road trip PLUS the time we were putting in there) several times a week. And this irritated the heck out of us because we had been begging them for YEARS to move closer to us, or to at least move into a senior sort of community rather than living way out in the country on three acres in a 3000 square foot home. And they kept pretending they were going to do it but just never would.
At least my parents were reasonable about that, and did move fifteen minutes from us, for the last few years of their lives. It was a sad time for us but at least we weren't spending hours each week on the road on top of all the other stress.
So OP - have you had THE TALK with your mom? It's all about expectations. Maybe your mom doesn't even expect you or your sister to help her. Maybe she has the means to line out her own care even after she needs more help (you said she wants to stay in her own home as long as possible). Just be sure that you and your sister and your mom all have clearly defined goals and expectations and the means to accomplish them - POA, medical directive, access to bank accounts, how to pay her bills, etc.
It's been awhile since I have posted for myself in the Caregiving Forum. My mom is 82 and lives by herself. She is currently okay, still sharp, still independent. She has someone that comes in twice a week for an hour or two to check on her and help her with chores.
It sounds like she is doing OK on her own. Most people who fit that description would be happy to stay put and if she's still "sharp" it doesn't seem like she would be in any danger where she is.
It doesn't seem like she needs any special assistance so a major change doesn't have to happen in the immediate future, right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl
So the question is, what to do to support my mom? It feels awful being thousands of miles away and not being able to help her when needed and knowing my sister does nothing and is moving away.
How often does she need your help? If you are only having to make trips a few times a year that should be manageable for now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl
I just hate her being all by herself so far away. Of course I feel like a horrible daughter. I wish there was more I could do.
Does she have any friends? You're not a horrible daughter. You said your mother is doing OK on her own. You have your own family to worry about right now. If your mom gets to the point of not being able to be alone then it's time to revisit the situation but it seems she is doing what most aged people aspire to do.
Specifically, and in Detail: WHY cannot your sister help?
in our situation, it was a drug/alcohol/whatever/-lying-cheating brother-in-law.
i could post it all, but that would be too long for people to care to read.
what, Spell It Out, is your sister's problem?
I would look at all the ways you could help her online.
See what kinds of services are available. Meals on wheels provides food as well as the socialization aspect of someone popping in every day.
Is there a nearby senior center she could go to.
Is grocery delivery available where she lives.
What exactly does she need help with?
Call her more frequently? Schedule time on your calendar to call and chat with her.
Next time you are there can you connect with a neighbor to ask them to check on her periodically?
Have you talked to your mom about all this? What kind of help does she want or expect from you?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
