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I know some may come up and claim that this should be more in the "relationship" section of the forum but it has more to it than just that...
2008, it began with a boy. He'd talk to me whenever he was able to, he told me he liked me, a lot. This was one of those "met on myspace" moments, although that happened in 2006. I was kind of was embarrassed to like the guy. At the time he wasn't that good looking, but I had a weakness in my heart for him. I was able to be myself completely, and the same went for him. December 2008, he told me, "On your birthday, I'm going to ask you out." He was such a big believer of God and did everything God wanted him to do. My birthday came around, he never asked me out. We started talking the last week of March, and it wasn't until April 2nd that he asked me out. Our first phone conversation was a 5 hour talk about God, I loved it. A couple weeks into our relationship, I asked him if he remembered that I asked him how I can get to be like how he is with God. Of course he remembered, and we had a conversation on how I had to commit myself wholly to him. And I did. I remember praying and praying on what it was I was to do with this guy. God insisted that I was to marry him, spend my life with him. The following day, I asked him if he would ever marry me... he turned me down and said when it comes time, he will ask me. A month later, he did. The last day of May, I went to meet him for the first time. It was then that I knew for sure that he was the one. I never wanted the moment to end. But it did. We talked everyday, then one day he broke up with me suddenly, and says it was because he was scared. He was scared because he was falling in love with me.
I waited for a couple weeks, we barely spoke during this time. And when he went to his place of birth, he called me and said he needed to be with me and breaking up with me was a mistake. I was patient and did what was right, I took him back. July came and by the end of the month, I went back to visit him. I met his mother and his sister for the first time. His mother said she loved me already. The day came that I had to leave again, and when he got home, he cried to his mom and said he never wanted me to leave. I never wanted to leave him either. I was in love, I knew it more than I knew the reason why I was there. And I knew my reason for going there so very well. August came we talked everyday, then September... he had come to visit me this time. He told me how people at church would talk behind his back and say how we were going to break up and he's only fooling himself. He prayed on it and God told him "Don't listen to what others have to say, be strong and stay with her. Never leave her." He arrived on Saturday, September 12, 2009. I was so happy. Regardless to say, we all knew it was going to happen... we had sex for the first time in our lives. It didn't make my feelings "stronger", it made me realize what I already felt was really true. We prayed and read the bible every night. Time had come for him to leave now, it was October 3rd 2009. He called me every day and every night and all day on the weekends. I remember one weekend, the 16th of October, he stayed with some friends he knew for a long time. It was then that they told him to break up with me because I was talking about peoples sexuality, and how I wasn't super close with God. He broke up with me. The rest of the month of October he started talking to an ex-girlfriend, one he had been dating on my birthday. The day he said he was going to ask me out. They talked and I cried and begged asking him why he would do that to me. November had come, and he said that I should get a ride halfway from where he lived and where I lived. So I did. He wanted me to move in with him and his mom. I got there the day after Thanksgiving. I was so happy, we went to church every Saturday evening and life was great. I had bought him a ring for when we got married, and he bought me one too. We had troubles since we couldn't get married, I didn't have a state I.D.
We prayed every morning, afternoon, and night as a family. I felt I was where I needed to be. The two of us had gotten close to God as a couple. Life couldn't have been better. In January, we went to visit my dad. I stayed, he went back. He did come back though come March. We got a puppy, took care of him well and we up one day back to his family. We normally took buses, but we had the dog so we got a ride from my uncle, and his mom picked us up half way. When we were there, we went to church every weekend as always. June passed and life was still perfect as ever. Then July come around, the upstairs neighbors said they'd give us money to help out with our dog, then they just stole him. We still had gone to church every weekend. But when the dog got stolen, we went to move in with his mom. It was here, my strongest point with God that the devil had gotten a hold of me from the inside. I remember getting weird cramps, and having the urge to get hurt. I kept wanting my boyfriend to hit me and I'd end up hitting myself. Naturally, I could see and feel everything happening but I couldn't stop it if I tried. Suddenly, the urges would die down and I would start crying and asking for help. I needed help. But of course the great boyfriend I had, he would read the bible and tell the devil to leave me alone. it went on for a week. After that when he was praying over me and reading the bible strongly without interruption, he seen a shadow type thing get up from next to me and run out the door. I had never been bothered since. This is when I started going downhill... I started hitting my boyfriend instead. I became abusive and controlling. I told him I needed to go home, so August came and I went home, but he came with me. I started getting worse and worse. I started telling him who to talk to, and what to get and other nonsense. I'd still hit him when I didn't like something. I don't know why I even did it. But he stayed until Late January and went back home. February came and I broke up with my boyfriend, and started talking to an old friend and did sexual related things with him on the phone. My boyfriend then came back, we dated again, but he left again in late May. In June I broke up with him yet again and started going for another guy. In other words that didn't work out. The boyfriend came back yet again. Time went on and I did sexual related things with a few other people over the phone. I still don't know why I did any of it. I didn't even think about why I was doing it. Every time, afterwards, I would always think "why did I do that?".
Then came October of this year, He tried to move on with someone else. He couldn't. But time over the course of the month, I made plans to go back and see him.
I arrived there on November 5th, I was so excited to see him again and ready to start things over with him and begin my life. Within the first few days I felt bad for leaving my dad alone with no one, leaving my responsibility of taking care of my dogs onto him. I felt terrible. But while I was there with my boyfriend I was happy, although I didn't always seem it, according to him. I felt in love again. We decided we needed to go to church. We decided that for distance wise we'd attend a closer church than our usual one we used to attend. Sunday, the 13th we intended to go, I woke up at 9:45am, shook him awake and said we should get ready to go. I remember him asking the time and telling me, "We'd be late anyway." And I told him how better to be late then never go at all. We ended up not attending. I felt terrible for not going. He insisted we went to our original church but I couldn't bear to think of the walk to get there. The 16th, Wednesday... He told me how he wanted me to stop talking about my dreams of going to other countries to help people. He said I needed to stop thinking of that because he doesnt like it and that since I fought for him so much I should focus on him. Then he said I should call my dad and have him pick me up on the weekend. I did. I remember boyfriend telling me that he wanted me not to talk to my family because its bigger incentive for me to go back and he wanted me there with him. I love him still with everything I got. Friday evening, the 18th, he called my dad to tell him that he doesn't need to come get me. The thing we didn't know was that my dad left 3 hours prior to our calls being made. I began to grow worried because I thought he'd call before he left, but he didnt. I spent the whole evening and night calling him. Finally, around 11:30pm boyfriend and I decided to go for a walk. We went for a walk down 8th Street and he held me like he's never held me before. He told me how I should go home, get my knee checked and come back so we can get married. The words he spoke were so sincere. We hugged over and over as I cried on his shoulder because I had the feeling my dad was on his way. At 12:15am, we got a phone call from my cousins cell phone, it was my dad. He told us he was in the state and that he'd be there in a few hours. I wanted to beg him to turn around and go home, but I didn't. Instead I turned to my boyfriend and told him how much I loved him. We'd stop and hug every little while as we had been. My dad arrived in town at 4:30am. I remember sitting on the couch with my boyfriend letting him hold me, listening to him telling me everything was alright, and that it was going to be. I remember praying about he and I in church when I had attended our original church. I knew he was the one for me, I seen a future with him, I seen myself start a family and strive with him. God put it in my heart the first time I went to my now exboyfriend that I wanted God in my life. I knew he was the one for me, everything he hoped and dreamed for was the same thing I did. My dad finally woke up at 8am, I was asleep but could hear he and my dad talking about how when I come back things will be great. After awhile my dad and boyfriend's dad talked for an hour or so, then boyfriend, my dad and I took a drive to get something to eat and pick up my bags. We were doing great, I felt like I was right where I needed to be and how much leaving was going to be a mistake. When we got back to boyfriends dads house to drop him off, we talked for a bit and he told me again how we'd get married when I come back. My dad and I got in the car and left at 11:30am. I felt horrible, not right. I wanted to just cry right then and there. I knew I was making a mistake. It was Sunday, the 20th that ex boyfriend went to our original church, it was also the same day that he told him God doesn't want him with me no more. Why would God tell us we were meant to be together for our lives and to never give up but yet tell him this now? Ex-boyfriend says he loves me but that he doesnt want to be with me. He told me that his mom had a dream before he and I dated that he was walking in the woods, holding hands with a girl. And when his mom called out for him, it was me that looked back and said in a demonic like voice and said "I have control over him now."
I know what I need to change but he won't budge on wanting to be with me. I know with everything that I got that we were meant to be. God tells me to be patient and wait for him and that he will come back to me. But his heart set is that he needs to move on. I don't feel like I have reason anymore. I feel like I lost everything in my life. When I ask God what it is I need to do he just tells me that he will come back to me. God had plans for me to be with this guy. I know it. Because God has no back up plan for this... Ex boyfriend wanted to be a pastor, and I wanted to help him build and strive a church and we had plans just last week to start a family. We tried the week I got there and every other day since, but then this happened. He tells me that I won't get pregnant. I believe him, but I've been nauseous recently. Mostly in the mornings and when I eat something. I did manage to take a home pregnancy test but I think it may have been far too early as it come up negative. I want to have this guys children, but more than that right now... I don't because he doesn't want me in his life. He listens to what others have to say and not listen to the voice in his heart. He also claims that he wants to listen to God only, but doesn't God put the voice in your heart and subconscious for a reason. Isn't that why we get the feeling of something not being right?
So WHAT is God's reason for supposedly telling us different things?
WHERE is this supposed to lead us you think?
WHY is God us these different things?
Who's words from God is right and who's is wrong? I'm so scared of this all right now.
Any input and thoughts are appreciated. I needed this all from a believers perspective.
How old are you? It sounds as though you're very young and confused. What really concerns me is that you wanted to hurt yourself and also hurt your boyfriend. I'd like to leave the "god" thing out of it because you're putting too much emphasis on that and not using your common sense.
You need counseling and a diagnosis. I know you said you guys "prayed" about your self abuse and abuse of your boyfriend but there are no such things as demons so chances are you're still having some sort of mental health issue. I would put all my strength and efforts into seeking mental help and stop obsessing over some "guy" who doesn't want a relationship with you. You need to take care of yourself and then everything else will fall into place.
Then why does he claim that if it were up to him that we would be together? He never fails to tell me that he loves me. It's been a daily thing since day one. But honestly, my aunt is very much certified in that category and there is nothing wrong with me. But please think what you will.
I say this with seriousness and not intending to be sarcastic.
You need to talk with a professional counselor to help you work through your problems. On a personal note however, I have seen this all to often from people led to believe garbage from religion about praying this or that away and talking about God constantly as a means to solve a problem.
Nothing wrong with prayer or discussions about God, but problems are always solved because people take action. You are moved by your feelings and it is not God taking you down paths that hurt you, so you need help in figuring out how to ignore the idea that God is talking to you in the manner in which you have convinced yourself that he is.
Take action to get back to the reality of life and your emotional state and what is happening there.
Nothing wrong with prayer or discussions about God, but problems are always solved because people take action.
This strayed my attention away and got me wanting to ask. And as I had stated similarly near the end of this post... do you think if he listened to what he genuinely wants to do, do you think that would be the right thing instead of having him waste his every move on what he thinks God wants?
Jesus Spirit does not contradict Himself, so that leaves the spirit of strife bringing confusion to your life ..... Jesus said In Matthew 13:4 ...``And when he sowed , some seed fell by the way side, and the fowls birds came and devoured them up``..... Then in Matthew 13:19...Jesus teaches understanding of this Word of seed faith...``When any one hears the word of the kingdom, and understands it not , then comes the wicked one, and catches away that which was sown in his heart ...This is the seed by the way side...``..... See Jesus gave you a Word of God , then the spirit of strife gave you his word so you changed and changed ideas ..were Jesus gave you the first Word and there is were you can find the Lord and His purposes , were he doesn`t change his mind .... That how you can hear the voice of Jesus Spirit by His voice is the first......
This strayed my attention away and got me wanting to ask. And as I had stated similarly near the end of this post... do you think if he listened to what he genuinely wants to do, do you think that would be the right thing instead of having him waste his every move on what he thinks God wants?
Based on what you have written, I'd have to say yes.
There is a balance to what we "feel" or "Want" to do and what may be good for our spiritual walk. But in my experience, people who seem to wrestle constantly with "what does God want" are more inclined to be following a more physical religiously based doctrinal path than a true spiritual one.
True spirituality does not try to ignore the fact that you have to deal with being on earth and day to day living and problem solving and the reality that you will not always get what you want and things won't always work out like you like. Nothing will ever change that here on earth.
True spiruality helps give you strength to use your mind and the resources around you for the good of yourself and others.
Then why does he claim that if it were up to him that we would be together? He never fails to tell me that he loves me. It's been a daily thing since day one. But honestly, my aunt is very much certified in that category and there is nothing wrong with me. But please think what you will.
I didn't mean that in a negative way, I'm very much on board with people taking care of themselves mentally as well as physically. IMO, just from reading what you wrote, your boyfriend has decided to back off because of your actions and the fact that his mother still thinks your "demon-possessed". But without knowing exactly all the details of your actions I get the funny feeling you're not well......do you cut yourself?
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