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Apparently Jay and Gina feel it gave them some closure and did help them.
What is to defend? They only wrote the truth. If mom had a defense for her actions she should have come forward with it while she was alive.
Not everyone can afford expensive counseling for years to deal with their anger, grief and resentment.
Perhaps some adults, grandparents, school etc. should have seen to counseling when they were youngsters.
Not all counseling is expensive and they have needed it for a very long time. There are many counseling centers that work on a sliding scale or free . They only think it will give them closure but it won't.
...and HeadingtoDenver is right , This is not incest .jeez . Cheating, yes, but she did not hit the road with her own brother . It has to be a blood relative to be incest .
You've forgotten a big portion of it. It's incest, she ran off with her husbands brother and abandoned her children.
Telling the truth within an obituary is the right thing to do. Just because someone doesn't want to lie for others doesn't mean they are angry. There is enough sin in this family already, this truth is refreshing. What a mess, so sad people have to endure evil parents like this
Incest would be if she ran off with her own brother.....not her husbands brother.
Not important? Is she for real?? Leaving her children forever and starting a new family in a new state isn't important?? The sister clearly lacks the very same perspective and understanding the mother did. Also interesting how she doesn't deny the allegations against her sister, just says they "aren't important."
I have to agree that this sounds terribly cold-hearted.
I’m sure she is mortified about her late sister’s name being dragged through the mud; since those from her generation were conditioned to “keep it in the familyâ€. Thing is; the outcome would have been much different if things had been communicated within the family in the first place.
I had a feeling that nobody told them what was going on with their mom. I used to think that if kids were really young when bad things happened: divorce, running off with a new fling, addiction, next of kin placement, CPS involvement, etc ... that in the absence of a parent, as the kids got older; that it was discussed with them.
I now know, after a situation in my family; that this is not the case. If kids don’t ask; nobody feels okay with just laying that on them. I thought kids asked. I was wrong. It was so naive of me to think that.
The default setting, in the absence of information; is to assume the worst about both yourself & the parent. Their aunt is wrong; it is important. It’s really late but now is better than never.
The sister isn’t their mom & it’s wrong to put her in the position to publicly explain or defend but she knows things that would matter to them & there probably aren’t many left who would know them.
She could have stepped up & acknowledged the pain that her niece & nephew are in. A little validation could have gone a long way & love will never make a bad situation worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerseyGirl415
The dad btw likely has major blame and fault here as well. We just don't really know much about him, to comment on it.
Ugh. This bugs me. He wasn’t pregnant nor had he left the area. His obituary was complimentary ( notice how they refer to his “bio kidsâ€)https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/174004811.
It’s also odd that his name is stated as “Dehmalo†but the son said he changed his to separate himself from the family?
I was saying to myself just the other day, "Everyone is a saint after they died. I have yet to read a negative obituary."
Well heck, why stop here?
Andrew J. Olszak
1895-1979
Abandoned in old age
by wife and children
May God be more understanding
and merciful
Mary Dolencie
May eternal damnation be upon those
in Whaling Port who, without knowing me,
have maliciously vilified me. May the curse
of God be upon them and theirs.
Whaling Port was her housing association, and there were arguments regarding the number of cats she had.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Tom Smith is dead, and here he lies,
Nobody laughs and nobody cries;
Where his soul’s gone, or how it fares,
Nobody knows and nobody cares.
On a tombstone dated 1742 in Newbury, England
Here lieth Mary, the wife of John Ford
We hope her soul has gone to the Lord
Bur if for Hell she has changed this life
She had better be there than John Ford’s wife.
On a grave dated 1790 in Potterne, Wiltshire, England
Not all counseling is expensive and they have needed it for a very long time. There are many counseling centers that work on a sliding scale or free . They only think it will give them closure but it won't.
...and HeadingtoDenver is right , This is not incest .jeez . Cheating, yes, but she did not hit the road with her own brother . It has to be a blood relative to be incest .
I'm going to say most Americans do no go to counseling especially those who grew up in poorer dysfunctional families. Most people who are angry or hurt do not say hey, I need to go find and inexpensive or free counseling service for my feelings of abandonment.
And I think these two have a better understanding of their own pain and sense of closure than any of us do.
I disagree with having the article published even if their mother wasn't the best mother, or a downright bad mother.
However, I do agree with your point that counseling can be an expensive burden for someone to have to face over and above the emotional burden they are having to deal with concerning something traumatic that they've had to deal with, so I think we can agree on the fact that there are people who deal with things (including being abandoned by their mother- which is very bad, I agree) that they never should have had to deal with. I just don't see what publishing the obituary in that manner gains anyone long-term - that's all.
Also, I know this is going to depend on the area someone is in, but there are often support groups that are free and can be helpful to people who have faced circumstances that they never should have faced, including some bereavement groups that help sort through these complex issues.
If someone isn't comfortable in a group setting, there are often low cost or sometimes even no cost options (pro bono work that counselors do via non-profit agencies, faith based counseling free of charge, etc.). Or even having a close friend to confide in and let loose of anger can sometimes be a big help.
And this probably should have been addressed when they were kids. I think once you make it to adulthood you have pretty much dealt with it often in a negative manner.
The first year after my gkid was left by his mother then dad went sideways due to some issues he started having anger issues at school. I'm pretty sure it stemmed from also being separated from his little sister. I was able to get him counseling with the school, which helped a lot. Then his mother lost custody of his sister. Myself, his sister's father and stepmom worked together to get all the kids together as much as possible and reestablish their relationship and things have worked out well.
Yes, maybe the obit is in poor taste, but I am not judging those kids one bit for publishing it. I can't imagine how devastating it is to be abandoned by their own mother at such a young age.
I don't agree with the whole mentality that you have to pretend to be sad that a bad person has died, or that you can't speak ill of the dead. Most human beings feel naturally inclined to treat the dead with respect and feel bad over another human being's passing. If people are rejoicing on someone's grave, that is just a natural consequence of the life they chose to lead. We shouldn't blame victims for their feelings over it.
"Mother's obituary - won't be missed by Gina and Jay"
Gina and Jay sound like real drama queens. Good grief, let it go and move on.
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