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He prolly doesn't have any self-image issues.
Maybe it makes him uncomfortable/creeped out when his mom brings up the subject of his attractiveness, and he's downplaying it in the hopes she'd stop?
He has gained a bit of weight in the past couple of years, not a huge amount, but even before that, he just simply does not believe he is good looking. If I say anything to the contrary, of course, I am just 'mom' therefore not to be believed.
I don't get it. It makes me very sad and I keep wondering what I might have done wrong. His younger brother (15) is a good looking kid too, but in a more "ordinary" way and doesn't seem to have this issue at all. He is actually what some might call overly confident in some ways and can come off as a little conceited.
Is this a common thing? Is he just too humble or is there more to it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally_Sparrow
What an odd response. Did you read what I said? Did you notice the context, what the discussion was we were having that brought it up?
It's hardly a case of either of us sitting around obsessing about his looks or the perception of his looks. He is not lacking in "manly" activities, nor is he "moping". Again with the contortion of the original post. It's like a requirement around here. What's up with you people?
Did you read what you wrote? You mentioned:
Him putting on weight. Was this a good or positive thing in your eyes? Didn't seem to be. I suggested physical activity.
You are very sad about the situation. I doubt he likes making his mother sad and you seem rather involved with this issue so I call that moping. Chasing women and doing guy things instead of sitting around listening to you trying to explain that he should feel more vain and conceited might do you both some good.
One part of the brain lights up when we gauge others attraction.
One part of the brain lights up when we gauge our own.
Anorexics and those with body dysmporphic disorder will show abnormalities when an fMRI is conducted.
This is one possible explanation.
There is also a difference between gauging someone's attractiveness (one part of the brain lights up) and finding someone sexually attractive (another part of the brain lights up).
For those grieving a mother over this, I think the problem is yours, not hers. Maybe both sides are lighting up for you...does not mean they are for her.
If you can't tell the difference between a compliment and harassment, that's on you.
To some people, there is no difference. What a bunch of killjoys.
Quote:
Women don't want to be judged entirely by their looks, that's the issue. When someone high ranking is introduced as 'pretty' or 'attractive' it reduces her worth to her looks.
No it doesn't. It is simply a statement of the obvious.
Quote:
How about you judge others on their accomplishments and personality and not on what they look like?
I always have, and I would suggest that most of us do.
I hardly qualify for "very attractive..." but I felt moved to write a story.
I hear a nibbling pain that you fear you've done something to affect your son's self-image. I am going to share some very personal things about myself and include a photo from when I was 19. I have not grown since age 12, so when I was 16 - 22, I largely looked the same. Girlfriends past sacked most of my youthful photos, so I don't have any from when I 16, but I didn't look any different from the photo other than having longer hair. On a forum like this, I expect to be judged negatively, but I honestly don't mind. If it helps somebody understand...
After puberty and until I was age 42, I felt ugly. I also hated my body! Never was this more torturous than during my teens and early 20s. I lifted weights incessantly. If you've consulted the photo below, I am 6'3" 180 in the photo, and by age 20, I was 205 with the same narrow 32" waist. This weight is without clothing and in the morning before I've eaten, so I put another 20 lbs of muscle on my frame, and I still felt skinny and ugly.
While my family was definitely damaging when it came to my poor self image, society had to have done the most amount of harm. I became self aware of my looks around the time I hit puberty (11 - 12, we hit it young in my family). Many young people are quite cruel, and my classmates were no exception. I was teased for being both too thin and ugly. Some teased me for having girly looks. When it came from the opposite sex, it obviously hurt more. If I thought she was cute, it was exponentially more stinging. Sometimes as I sat on the bus being teased with silent tears coming from my eyes, I thought about ending my life because I couldn't stand another day of being ugly and skinny. I feel bad for her now, but some girl transferred to my bus in 7th grade and her nose wasn't very attractive. The bus turned to her and she was labeled "pig face." This took the attention off me and I remember how grateful I was at the time. By 9th grade, I began putting on weight, and by 10th, I was 180 - 185, so the teasing stopped, but by that time, the damage was already done, and I just loathed myself.
Despite my tragic era being the late 70s to early 80s, consumerism was still well established. Because my family was tight with their money, I had to wear bobo clothing, so I was picked on for that as well. I remember being bombarded by images on TV, the movies, and posters all around of what was considered attractive. As I compared myself to the images of men in the media, I noticed that other than my height, I did't share one quality with them. I didn't have chiseled looks, wasn't as well built, and had all sorts of problems that they didn't. To make matters worse, I'd overhear the murmur from girls my age, and all they did was bang on and on about how some teen heartthrob/man from the image was so hot. Thus confirming my suspicions that I was ugly.
Another poster brought up cute boys, I was often mistaken for a girl at the time by old women and sometimes 20 something men, and it didn't help me one bit. It just confirmed that I didn't look like a man and I was too skinny. I could drone on and on with saddening stories, but you should get the idea of how cruel society can be on teenagers from all demographics.
Due to rampant consumerism, pop culture, and how perverse technology has brought everybody the ability to post photos and spread information, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if your son has some sort of issue with his looks and body image. He's bombarded by it every place he goes. There is never any reprieve to the incessant deluge of damaging media!
Unfortunately, you cannot do a thing about it. If he does have an issue, I'll tell you what would simply crush me as I relive my youth, my mother posting about it in public forums.I would live in constant fear that one of my classmates would get a hold of it, and it would be plastered all over school. I'd be the laughing stock... If your son is already damaged, there's probably nothing you'll ever do to fix him. I hear your pain, but this is one of those areas where you just have to let it go for the kid's own sanity. He'll have to sort it out himself. On the other hand, maybe it's like other people have said. This could be your issue and not his. I do not know. I don't have a magic crystal ball to confer with.
Good luck and thanks for reading,
bolillo
The photo was for my girl, who never got it because I didn't like how the angle made my neck look... Furthermore, I was too skinny! Photo taken shortly after turning 19 and sporting some rather unkempt long hair for the USMC due to recently returning from a CAX operation at the Stumps. Thank God youth is gone! I do not miss the insanity of vanity!
Last edited by bolillo_loco; 11-03-2013 at 01:24 AM..
Reason: This mindless drivel was harder to write than I first suspected, and I'm still no Rhodes scholar!
I guess this is kind of like those who have a body image issue where they think they are "fat" when they are not? I don't know. I am wondering about why this happens.
Specifically, I am thinking of my 21 year old son. He was a very beautiful baby, an adorable child, and is a very good looking young man. When he was a baby, people exclaimed over him constantly. Much more so than when either of the other two were babies... they got the "normal" amount of stranger attention. This child got a RIDICULOUS amount. When he was a little kid I was told constantly that I should get him into modeling or TV commercials. When he was in high school, every time I was at the school and some group of teenage girls realized I was his mom they'd come up to me and say "Oh, you are A's mom?? OMG he is soooooo cute!" then they'd giggle themselves away.
He has dark hair, a slightly lighter complexion in contrast to his hair, dimples, and large stunning gray-blue eyes with incredibly thick dark lashes. I posted a photo of him on another site once during a discussion about hair styles (on a forum that is 99% women) and it turned into a four page thread about what a "hottie" my son is, so this is not just a mom opinion.
He has gained a bit of weight in the past couple of years, not a huge amount, but even before that, he just simply does not believe he is good looking. If I say anything to the contrary, of course, I am just 'mom' therefore not to be believed.
I don't get it. It makes me very sad and I keep wondering what I might have done wrong. His younger brother (15) is a good looking kid too, but in a more "ordinary" way and doesn't seem to have this issue at all. He is actually what some might call overly confident in some ways and can come off as a little conceited.
Is this a common thing? Is he just too humble or is there more to it?
I know how you feel. My mom and relatives do this to me too. However, I have received mixed views about my looks outside home and try to look my best whenever possible. There were several people on this forum who thought I looked creepy and weird. My feeling is, I look like any other normal 21 year old man and leave it at that. I don't want to fuss over what others think about my looks. If you say I look nice, thank you for the compliment. Else, I don't worry excessively about what others think and say (Unless a security officer says I look seriously out of place and frisks me in doubt. That would be embarrassing). Maybe your son might be feeling the same way.
When an attractive person tells me they think they are unattractive, my automatic reaction is thinking they must be some kind of attention seeker and/or fishing for compliments because I don't understand how a person - even if they have low self esteem - can feel that way when 99% of society says differently about you. Just keep your feelings to yourself because most people are going to look at you sideways.
This thread is effing weird. Some serious self-image issues people have. Really?!?
Be glad you don't understand it or have never lived it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by allenk893
When an attractive person tells me they think they are unattractive, my automatic reaction is thinking they must be some kind of attention seeker and/or fishing for compliments because I don't understand how a person - even if they have low self esteem - can feel that way when 99% of society says differently about you. Just keep your feelings to yourself because most people are going to look at you sideways.
I'm inclined to agree, but unfortunately, the world isn't conveniently black and white as I'd like it to be. Moreover, my personal experience tells me the area's just too gray. I've met many people like allenk893's discussed, and I've walked away with the same opinion, but I've also experienced a lot of young well built fabulously pretty girls who honestly felt ugly. 20 odd years ago, I watched a few pretty women obviously sicker than myself break down and cry as they denuded in front of the mirror focusing, prodding, and pawing at their imperfections. It was both sobering and self awakening to realize that other people suffered the same problem and there was probably a root external cause.
My personal example in post #36 is honest, unselfish, and further anecdotal evidence that not all are attention seeking. From 1976 ish until 2007 ish, I simply felt ugly and loathed the mirror. Young teen trauma of an awkward 6'3" 12 year old skinny dork tainted three decades of my life. It had such a profound impact on my twisted thought process that when I see muscular young men, I often wonder if they're suffering from low self esteem and desperately trying to look attractive to other people when deep down inside, they will always feel ugly.
Some people with poor self image use plastic surgery. I've seen some who were attractive but felt so ugly that they seemingly ate themselves into obesity just to prove to themselves, and the world, that they were indeed ugly! Sadly for the many woman who've drifted through my life, I worked myself into looking appealing while I was in my 20s, but the deep inner scars from adolescents kept me ugly, so as a club DJ for 10 years, I filled that pit with hundreds of attractive women. No matter what I did, I could never feel attractive. It didn't matter that hundreds of thin, busty hour glass women willingly jumped into bed with me, I felt, UGLY! and the true glaring tragedy would be how I abused the feelings of so many women as I sacrificed them to the low self esteem demigods of my emotional black hole and sucked them dry.
Hollywood and consumerism has perverted many young people's minds. It's a soul sickening calamity but real nonetheless. In my own personal case, I don't think it was some miracle epiphany and after much footwork, one day I woke up and just cured myself. I think I just got older and Mother Nature took it away from me. One thing's for sure, I do not miss the insanity of vanity, and I'm so glad that I'm just another average looking sod who's 50ish! I'd much rather look like I do today than that insecure boy above who ripped through women's lives like an F5 tornado!
I only wish as a society, we could do something to spare future young people of this perverse sickness the moguls are perpetuating because they don't really care how many lives they destory. In fact, they laugh all the way to the bank as they line their coffers.
Cheers and thanks for reading,
bolillo
Last edited by bolillo_loco; 11-03-2013 at 10:56 PM..
Reason: No Rhodes scholar here
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