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Mrs. ScoPro was adopted in Los Angeles in 1945. After her adoptive parents divorced in 1948, she & her adoptive mom moved to Texas where she grew up without knowing who her birth mother was. By coincidence, her birth mom got married in 1948 & had another daughter.
Her adoptive mom had told her early on she was adopted, and went on to raise her right. Mrs. ScoPro regarded her adoptive mom as her mother, and still does - as it should be.
In conversations with her mother over the years, she knew that she was indirectly in contact with the birth mother, but never expressed a desire to know the details. Mrs. ScoPro really didn't want to insult her adoptive mother by showing any interest in making contact. If she did decide to do that, it would be to acquire family medical history information, not necessarily to strike up any kind of relationship.
After her adoptive mother passed away 20 years ago, we did find her adoption papers with the b-mom's name. In my pre-Internet days it was near impossible to find out much info, so we let things slide.
When I got online in 1999, I did do a search with my wife's permission, but came up empty. She didn't want to spend the $$ to join one of those family ancestry websites, so again let it slide - until yesterday. On a whim I typed in a Google search and got several hits.
Perusing through I found her birth mom's obituary from 2002 in California, a couple of family portraits from about 1940 (Mrs. ScoPro was the spittin' image of her birth mother at the same young age), and some addresses & phone numbers for Mrs. ScoPro's half sister (whom we didn't know about and is several years younger than my wife).
Mrs. ScoPro was fascinated by the family pictures, and I found her half-sister's Face Book page. However, My wife's reluctance to make contact resurfaced - so we won't go any further for now. I'm not going to push her into anything as it is her life & business, but suspect she might let her curiosity overcome her old attitudes. Of course it is a very sensitive subject for all the families involved even though it is a 70 year old event.
Do any of you folks have experience with this kind of family reconnecting? It's possible or probable that her birth mom may never have informed her husband & daughter that she had given birth earlier, so it would come as quite a shock to find out this old news. Have to remember, back at that time having a child out of wedlock was a "disgraceful" event that could cause serious family difficulties & ruin lives.
Then again it's possible that all the family knew or knows about it, and don't want any contact.
Later on if Mrs. ScoPro wants to proceed with making contact, it's obvious we would have to be careful & tactful. Direct phone calls seem to be a bit unsettling, and Mrs. ScoPro doesn't really do Face Book, although she has an account that is little used. Ideas?
Any cogent advice from those who have experience with similar situations would be appreciated.
Thousands of people have faced the same conflicting emotions and considerations about contacting birth family. When contacting a half sibling who may not know of the adoption it can be more delicate than contacting a birth mother (as I did) who obviously knows about it. Many half siblings are very happy to be contacted but some are more reluctant. I think that the older they are, the more likely they will be to engage with previously-unknown family and to think of it as a happy event in their later years.
This is always the question: how to make contact? As long as you are tactful and considerate (and I have no doubt you would be), you should not worry about which method you choose, whether a phone call, letter, or Facebook message (the kind that they will see). You can't know if the half sister would be receptive to having contact with your wife or not, no matter how you approach it. If you make contact with the best of intentions you have done your job, and then you have to let the rest take its course. You have done nothing wrong by reaching out. Yes it will be a life-changing experience for your wife and her half sister, so it will be up to your wife whether her curiosity and desire to know her family history and possible family medical history will overcome her trepidation.
I tend to look at it this way: being found by a half sibling could be a real blessing to this person, and who are you to deprive her of that opportunity? If however she is not receptive, than you have lost nothing.
Wait for this one..... I was born in 47 to an unmarried mother but brought up thinking her sister was my mother till I found out at 14 from a stupid schoolteacher that she wasnt my mother.. anyway life goes on , my mum said I was her only child as after the section to have me she couldnt have anymore children... OK..........last year I was on a forum talking about my grandmother and said her name..and what part of Glasgow she stayed.. next day I got a PM on the forum saying this woman had also my surname and my grannys...and her mum came from the street and area Id mentioned and she gave me her name..... I wrote back saying that NO I didnt have any cousins with our surname and her name..and Ive never heard of her....... she wrote back...........I DONT DOUBT IT... I sat here at the computer thinking, Whats going on here.. Then I got an email from this woman who lives in Dundee...............She said.. I have reason to believe that Im your sister born after you..... Honestly you could have scraped me off the floor.... she gave me mothers full name and her address she had found out about .. and wanted to know about her...........I was so taken aback I didnt tell my husband or anyone until much later that day.............I confronted my only living aunt whos in her 90s to ask about all this.. as my mother has died 16 years ago.. so her only living sister.......... She broke down and said she knew but was sworn to secrecy... and I said ... But my mothers dead why didnt you tell me after she died...........She said she promised never to tell..... I couldnt take all this then my auntie said, But wait theres another girl born two years after that one.......my god. what more.... between me finding out about my own parents at 14 the two sisters I knew nothing about at all...... it was shattering.... I spoke to this half sister by email and sent her photos and some information but she was desperate to see and meet me so I arranged it and she is very like my mother... in many ways.. and a very nice woman.. I liked her.. She then asked me about when she found out who her real mother was at 25 if our mum would have welcomed her if shed come to the door...........I hestited for a moment thinking should I tell her she would have welcomed her with open arms or died of shock........ This woman wasnt to be lied to .. so I told her the truth , that our mum didnt have an easy life and that her husband was a very heavy drinker and not the kind of man to try and understand.... but I said she wouldnt have turned her away with a closed door........ and she seemed satisfied.... but to be honest I didnt really know my mum at all, with all these secrets and she knew she was dying in hospital .. and could have told me... I feel cheated and cant find the other sister although Ive tried... maybe she doenst want to be found.. or not interested... sometimes people are very let down when they find a mother or parent.... This woman my half sister thought her mum had been a teenager or very young when she was born but I had to tell her that she would have been in her thirties at the time.....The damage some people do to kids... thankfully her life seems to be full and she has a lovely family and Im happy for her.. just a pity we never got to be real sisters..
Whatever you decide to do, don't use Facebook to contact - messaging someone who is not a friend means the message goes into a sort of spam-box where the person isn't notified they have a message. So they may never see it. You would have to send friend request first, hope they accept even though they don't know you, then send a message.
Whatever you decide to do, don't use Facebook to contact - messaging someone who is not a friend means the message goes into a sort of spam-box where the person isn't notified they have a message. So they may never see it. You would have to send friend request first, hope they accept even though they don't know you, then send a message.
The last time I did this you had to pay $1 to send a message to someone who is not a "friend", that way the message goes into their regular folder. You have to judge whether the person is an active Facebook user before deciding on that route. Is this still an option? I haven't used Facebook in a while.
A friend of mine had a similar situation, finding out who her biological father was after he had died, but locating two paternal half sisters. She simultaneously sent both of them the same letter through snail mail explaining how she knew they shared the same father, and including her phone number. They both enthusiastically contacted her and now have a great relationship.
As "dizzybint" laid out, sometimes it can get complicated and there are always mixed emotions, but that's life.
I would find mailing address(es) online and write a very short letter with your contact info, but mail it in a US Priority Mail envelope. It will cost $6 something but will not get lost in the mail.
Phonecalls could go unanswered or the wrong person might answer.
I would find mailing address(es) online and write a very short letter with your contact info, but mail it in a US Priority Mail envelope. It will cost $6 something but will not get lost in the mail.
Phonecalls could go unanswered or the wrong person might answer.
I wish you peace.
Agree with historyfan.
Also, in the letter to the half-sib you may want to approach things slowly. Start with something vague, i.e. that you believe you are related through her mother & ask her to contact you to discuss further.
Maybe not the best idea to disclose the half-sib fact in the initial letter. Half-sib may or may not know there was a previous birth, and it's always possible that someone other than half-sib may open & read the letter.
If you decide to contact use an intermediary. You are correct that her half sister may not know and it would be a shock. Consult with an expert in adoption re-connections before you do anything. Also your wife may find out the reason why she was placed for adoption. The answer may not be what you think. Is she prepared to hear the worse?
I also disagree with a poster that you should not worry about how the contact is made. Facebook is public and anyone can see it. Good luck, don't wait too long to make a decision.
If you decide to contact use an intermediary. You are correct that her half sister may not know and it would be a shock. Consult with an expert in adoption re-connections before you do anything. Also your wife may find out the reason why she was placed for adoption. The answer may not be what you think. Is she prepared to hear the worse?
I also disagree with a poster that you should not worry about how the contact is made. Facebook is public and anyone can see it. Good luck, don't wait too long to make a decision.
I'm sure he is not going to send a public message on Facebook. He would use the private messaging system. I have had good results with that about 80% of the time.
I disagree with using an intermediary (unless the husband is the intermediary in this case). If something goes wrong, or there is a misunderstanding, then the intermediary is to blame and possibility to make contact can be lost forever. Then you would always be left wondering if it would have gone better had you made contact yourself.
I had my original birth certificate which contained my b-mother's name. My wife found the entire family by going on the internet which contained has pages by surname. People posted inquiries to the site and hopefully get answers, mostly regarding genealogy. My wife posted an inquiry search for my b-mother, her name, nothing else. I had a catastrophic illness, so we were basically interested in medical history.
A gentlemen contacted us, who was a cousin, and we found out she had passed away quite a few years ago. Interestingly enough, I was able to meet her oldest sister, who provided me with so much information, and the most surprising aspect....everyone knew about me! Mind you I was born in the 40's yet the family knew she was pregnant.
So I guess you never know. Recently I was contacted by my b-mother's step-daughter. She didn't know anything about me but found out from a cousin.
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