Climate versus family, and raising kids (relocate, school, move back, location)

[Sick_of_winter]

My husband and I are hoping to relocate with our 6 month-old child from New England to the West Coast, specifically near the SF Bay area. Our reasons for moving are to live in a place that is more appealing to us in terms of climate and beauty, and to get some space from my husband's extended family. I've read a lot of articles and comments about the challenges of raising children without extended family nearby, but I'd love to hear from anyone who moved away to get peace from their overbearing families and were raising their own kids. Were you happy about that move?

In terms of climate, I hate the bleakness from about Nov-April here, and I get depressed in the dark days of winter. I know from my years living there when I was single that SF is not like southern CA, there are plenty of rainy days, but at least it is green and still pretty. I feel like I will be a better parent if I'm not fighting depression about my location for about half the year.

More details about family, basically I feel that my husband's immediate family is different from us and lacks boundries. There is pressure to do things the way they have always been done, including lots of big group get-togethers. Since my husband works long hours, often 6 days a week, (I'm currently not working), he has limited time to fit in quality time with our little family and get chores/errands done. I'm not saying his family is all bad, but I feel like we spend a lot of time and energy on social obligations that are not helpful to our marriage and I don't see them as people who would be a positive influence on our son and any future children.

What I'm wondering about the move is whether we are just trading some kidns of stress- climate, unpleasant people, for the stress of additional financial concerns, lack of free babysitting, and isolation from most of our familes. I do have a beloved aunt and cousin in the bay area but we would probably need to be an hour or so away to afford to buy a place.

[Ellwood]

IMO there are pros and cons, which I'm sure you are aware. When we retired we moved closer to grandchildren. I have to admit this has been more rewarding than I would have thought. The kids love spending time with us, whether doing wood working or riding on the motorcycle. It has given us an opportunity to create memories with them, so they can tell their grandchildren, as we have such great memories of our grandparents. It is nice to get together for holidays and be able to attend their school functions. Our daughter is nearby in case of an emergency, especially in our older years.

On the negative side, too much togetherness and everyone knows each others business, and if they are like some families, constantly telling you when and what to do. Whose mad at whom, who said what about who, etc.

You should take this opportunity to see if the bay area is for you and your family. My only suggestion would be to rent first rather than purchase a home and have to sell if you are unhappy. Best of luck.

[CCRESI]

We move every 3-4 yrs, military. The latest move was from CT to Fl with our kids. All my husbands family is in CT. We miss them very much, but love it down here.
If I could have my way, I'd have them all move down here. It's amazing what you miss when you no longer have something. Maybe you guys just need a vacation.
Good luck to you.

[Sick_of_winter]

Thanks for the replies :-) I think we would definitely rent first so that it would be easier to move again if we don't like it or run into money problems.

My husband is the youngest in his immediate family and they are in the category of telling him what and when to do even though he is almost 40. His extended family have been gathering in big squabbling groups for all the holidays plus birthdays for many years. In contrast, I grew up with no extended family nearby, my siblings have all since moved away from my parents in MA, and I'm the oldest and was used to making decisions without having them be picked apart by a group.

[texdav]

Sonds like the probelm is your husband really. You alos need to talk to him abut it has he amy feel differently ;your having not been raise around extended family and view it quite differently than you do.

[Nanny Goat]

Originally Posted by Sick_of_winter

Thanks for the replies :-) I think we would definitely rent first so that it would be easier to move again if we don't like it or run into money problems.

My husband is the youngest in his immediate family and they are in the category of telling him what and when to do even though he is almost 40. His extended family have been gathering in big squabbling groups for all the holidays plus birthdays for many years. In contrast, I grew up with no extended family nearby, my siblings have all since moved away from my parents in MA, and I'm the oldest and was used to making decisions without having them be picked apart by a group.

I think you're doing the right thing. You can always move back later when the mob disperses some. Ha. But, being overly involved in family dynamics isn't always healthy.

[expatChicagoan]

Originally Posted by Sick_of_winter

What I'm wondering about the move is whether we are just trading some kidns of stress- climate, unpleasant people, for the stress of additional financial concerns, lack of free babysitting, and isolation from most of our familes.

Good luck with your move! My husband and 2 year old daughter moved from Australia (where all my family live) 19 years ago. We moved close to where my in-laws live, so our situation isn't exactly the same as yours, but I understand feeling isolated from your family. When we moved there was no Facebook, no internet, no e-mail or skype, so I wrote letters, and had the occasional phone call. Now, I keep in touch with family through FB, email and skype.

Sometimes it's just necessary to move away from family, and you should do what you feel is right for *your* family - that is you, your husand, and your baby.

[Sick_of_winter]

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. Happily my husband is very supportive and open to making changes, we're just trying to figure what is the most important thing to us in terms of where to live and it's not easy. I guess we won't know until we try different things!

[loveautumn]

His family will never change, at least from my own personal experiences. My brother's wife's family (which become his family) is attached at the hip. I am like you and had no real close family ties (always wanted them but that's a long story). I'm always viewed as an outsider, moved away, independent and not used to have to "report" to everybody about everything. To each his own. Your husband's family will probably always win out, just because of sheer numbers. But if he's on board, then the decision would be between you two as husband and wife. But if you ever had to/want to move back, sad to say, there might be repercussions, so have to be prepared for that.

[staywarm2]

We moved to be near our DD & SIL and grandkids. We get along great with our daughter and grandkids. It's been great the 8 years we've lived near them. (SIL--not so much--We keep the relationship with him on a non-personal level.) However, we have never made any good friends here. It's lonely and the grandkids are getting bigger and aren't quite as enamoured with us as they used to be. As they grow older and our daughter becomes even busier, we wonder how much time they'll have for us. Did we make the right decision? Should we move to a 55+? Big decision...