I became a Glamma for the first time or so I thought.. (parents, old)

[Glamma60]

My son had his first child two weeks ago only she wasn't his first. She is his second. He has kept from me that he fathered another child two almost three years ago. How did I find out? The mother of his first child reached out to me after being told by a mutual friend that he became a father. My son had terminated his parental rights to his first child which shocked me as my son is adopted and I thought he'd never do something like that.

Stunned, shocked, and mad as hell are only the tip of my emotions. Oh yes my daughter-in-law didn't know either.

So now what do I do? My son wants nothing to do with this child. Neither does my daughter-in-law.
Does this mean I can't? It is breaking my heart knowing that there is a child who is my grandchild that I might never know. The thought that she will grow up thinking none of us wanted her to know her is something I'm struggling with.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this situation either as a grandparent or the parent of the child?

[WellShoneMoon]

This is a sad situation, and my heart goes out to you. Yes, you could try to establish a relationship with your older grandchild, and the fact that the child's mother reached out to you could mean that she would support your having a relationship with the child.

You need to think this through.

Why did the child's mother reach out to you? What did she hope to gain by contacting you?

What kind of a relationship do you hope to have with the first grandchild? Is the child near enough to you so that you can visit with her frequently and really be a presence in her life?

What will you do if the child's mother asks you for money to help support this child? What if you establish a relationship with the child and then the mother makes financial support a condition of continuing the relationship?

Will you tell your son and daughter-in-law, who want nothing to do with this child, what you are doing? If you tell them, can you live with whatever their reactions might be?

I urge you to really think hard about what you want to accomplish, and what the implications might be. There are other people involved here whose needs have to be considered as well as your own.

[germaine2626]

I am good friends with a couple whose son had a child when he was in HS. Even though the couple got married it was an unhappy and very short marriage. His parents were devoted to their first grandchild, loved him very much and spent a lot of time with him. When the child was almost three the mother wanted to remarry and demanded that the father give up his parental rights (as she wanted the child to think that her new husband was his biological father). He very reluctantly agreed as his ex-wife & her family said that if he didn't agree they would just "move far away and he would never see his son again anyway". My friends, the biological grandparents were devastated and never saw their grandson again. The boy is now 30 and it is likely that he does not even know that he had/has another biological family

I am so sorry. You don't know the whole story about why your son signed away his parental rights. Maybe he was pressured, maybe he was forced to do it, maybe it just seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

However, I would be concerned and wonder why the mother is contacting you now. Why didn't she contact you when she was pregnant or right after she had the baby? Maybe she will try to get you to support the child, since your son is not doing it?

I agree that it is a mess.

[Sollaces]

Since your son was adopted.. . . You have an open heart and could open it to this child. He needs family and a connection. Everyone needs that. As a grandparent you can say how much or how little contact you have.

I think it great the mom of your grandchild wants contact. She's open minded, too.

[Harpaint]

Before involving yourself with the 1st mom, it might be a good idea to talk to your son about why he terminated his rights. You need a lot more information about the people and the situation before making a decision.

[Miso Blu]

In a situation like this, it's easy to become emotional and react to this news rather than think this through clearly and discuss it openly with your son, who may have a very good reason for doing what he did. Was there ever a paternity test to determine that he was definitely the child's father or are you taking the word of the mother only?

It's not unnatural that Mom#2 doesn't want anything to do with child#1. She just had a baby and is looking forward to the future she envisioned for herself, the baby and your son. The other child would only remind her of your son's past relationship and would take his focus off the new baby and all of those happy-family plans they made. This is a special time for her and the ex popping up with a love child is most likely very distressing.

I would be suspect of Mom#1's intentions here. Does she want money? Revenge for the relationship failing? Regrets? Regardless, they were all adults and made an adult decision and unless there are some hidden reasons not to do so, they should be honoring their past commitments and you should stay out of it. As a grandparent you just want to know and love your grandchild and I think everyone understands that and sympathizes, but your son and Mom#1 took this from you over 3 years ago and although you may just think this is unfair to you, think of how this affects the child. He/she doesn't know you and will inevitably suffer emotionally in this tug of war in the long run. Is it really worth it?