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Those words are still foreign to me...almost like someone took control of my keyboard and ordered me to hit the enter key. Anyway...I'm finding that the person I need most right now to grieve her loss and navigate all the stuff (paperwork) that comes after is her.
Watching my dad walk his path through this is the hardest by far of everything I'm encountering. How does one go from round-the-clock caregiver, with a schedule filled with feedings and bedding changes and catheter emptying and oxygen compressor maintenance to one with no structure and almost nothing to. I know he'll find his new normal, as will we all, but at least my brother and I have work to occupy our time. Dad's 77, long retired, and has dedicated the last 4 years of his life to caring for Mom.
Mom's pre-needs arrangement covered 10 death certificates. Even the funeral director questioned her need for this many. She has only one insurance policy that I know of. To whom do we send the others? It is exactly this reason that those in a fight for their lives MUST communicate with the surviving family members about their affairs.
Another oddity I encountered: Mom and Dad opted not to be embalmed, a fact we learned AFTER her body left home, unfortunately. When we met with the funeral director, Dad asked him if he could see her one last time. Of course, the director advised against it. I know they were only thinking of the savings at the time, but it's unfortunate Dad didn't get to see her again. My sister-in-law wasn't home when she passed, so she didn't get to say goodbye, either. And why pay for a $3K casket if your decaying remains are going to muck it up the minute they lay you in it?
Just venting...sorry. For some reason, I can't bring myself to journal about it, but it's easy to post about it here.
We ended up getting (and needing) 8 for my dad. Sorry to hear about your mother. It is a very very hard thing to adjust to but it does eventually get better. I think eventually you can also remember the good moments, before they got ill and not just focus on them being gone.
Those words are still foreign to me...almost like someone took control of my keyboard and ordered me to hit the enter key. Anyway...I'm finding that the person I need most right now to grieve her loss and navigate all the stuff (paperwork) that comes after is her.
Watching my dad walk his path through this is the hardest by far of everything I'm encountering. How does one go from round-the-clock caregiver, with a schedule filled with feedings and bedding changes and catheter emptying and oxygen compressor maintenance to one with no structure and almost nothing to. I know he'll find his new normal, as will we all, but at least my brother and I have work to occupy our time. Dad's 77, long retired, and has dedicated the last 4 years of his life to caring for Mom.
Mom's pre-needs arrangement covered 10 death certificates. Even the funeral director questioned her need for this many. She has only one insurance policy that I know of. To whom do we send the others? It is exactly this reason that those in a fight for their lives MUST communicate with the surviving family members about their affairs.
Another oddity I encountered: Mom and Dad opted not to be embalmed, a fact we learned AFTER her body left home, unfortunately. When we met with the funeral director, Dad asked him if he could see her one last time. Of course, the director advised against it. I know they were only thinking of the savings at the time, but it's unfortunate Dad didn't get to see her again. My sister-in-law wasn't home when she passed, so she didn't get to say goodbye, either. And why pay for a $3K casket if your decaying remains are going to muck it up the minute they lay you in it?
Just venting...sorry. For some reason, I can't bring myself to journal about it, but it's easy to post about it here.
The extra death certificates will be useful should any unexpected issues comes up dealing with any aspect of your mother personal business, or things you were not aware of pertaining to her. My mother had a few insurance policies that I was not aware of and I had to send them an original copy of the DC. My mother was a cosigner on a home for my sister and I had to send a copy to them also.
So sorry for your lost, I know what you are going through. Trust your mother on this one, things may come up months or even a year down the road where you may need those extra certificates. Best of luck to you and your father.
your parents decision to not be embalmed meant that the body would not be preserved, & it would not be pleasant to view. If you want your father to be viewed you will have to circumvent his wishes.
The beauty is that their spirit has already risen & it is only their shell we see. Please embrace that knowledge.
Very sorry for your loss. You may or may not need 10, but it is best to take them, because they are much more expensive and take time to get if you should need one later. I had to either send a copy or original to every bank or financial institution. Had to go through probate, so needed one for that (you may not need this, depending on state laws, etc.) I also had to submit one when I sold the house, since my husband's name was still on the deed. He also had long term care insurance - had to send them one. (I don't remember which required originals and which accepted copies.) How many you need will depend on lots of things, but better to have a few extras than to run short.
I was with my husband through the process of dying. And when he had finally gone, I had no desire to stay with his body. My immediate thought was "He's not here." And after touching his cold hands, I wanted no more contact. Everyone is different, I suppose. Condolences to you and your family.
Those words are still foreign to me...almost like someone took control of my keyboard and ordered me to hit the enter key. Anyway...I'm finding that the person I need most right now to grieve her loss and navigate all the stuff (paperwork) that comes after is her.
Watching my dad walk his path through this is the hardest by far of everything I'm encountering. How does one go from round-the-clock caregiver, with a schedule filled with feedings and bedding changes and catheter emptying and oxygen compressor maintenance to one with no structure and almost nothing to. I know he'll find his new normal, as will we all, but at least my brother and I have work to occupy our time. Dad's 77, long retired, and has dedicated the last 4 years of his life to caring for Mom.
Mom's pre-needs arrangement covered 10 death certificates. Even the funeral director questioned her need for this many. She has only one insurance policy that I know of. To whom do we send the others? It is exactly this reason that those in a fight for their lives MUST communicate with the surviving family members about their affairs.
Another oddity I encountered: Mom and Dad opted not to be embalmed, a fact we learned AFTER her body left home, unfortunately. When we met with the funeral director, Dad asked him if he could see her one last time. Of course, the director advised against it. I know they were only thinking of the savings at the time, but it's unfortunate Dad didn't get to see her again. My sister-in-law wasn't home when she passed, so she didn't get to say goodbye, either. And why pay for a $3K casket if your decaying remains are going to muck it up the minute they lay you in it?
Just venting...sorry. For some reason, I can't bring myself to journal about it, but it's easy to post about it here.
The reason for the death certificates are to respond to attempts at collection (you are not required to personally pay for her medical bills although her estate might) and notifications to banks, property tax departments, and so on.
I urge you to include her husband in the process of winding up affairs as a method of closure and caring. After that, he will need structure and regular and varied contact.
Prepping the body is something that has been mostly lost in our culture. I washed and prepped my wife with the assistance of a daughter and we delayed contacting hospice and the funeral home to allow some time before she was taken. The repose of the body before rigor lasts for a while.
Keep all cards and envelopes (with return addresses) for a response. Both you and your father can write letters to her in notebooks. You know you have things to say, things you want to remember, and writing them down does help.
Much peace to you.
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Anyway...I'm finding that the person I need most right now to grieve her loss and navigate all the stuff (paperwork) that comes after is her. 
