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I haven't seen my sister in 10 years. She has shizophrenia and violent tendencies. A hospital social worker called me today and said my sister is dying and asked to contact me. We grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive family. She never was able to really recover from that. Her life was so difficult, so sad. She has cancer and is refusing chemo. Dr said it would only extend her life a few months. My dad died a few months ago and honestly I have not felt a lot of emotions related to that. But with my sister, something in me is really grieving about her. Not necessarily about "losing" her b/c we've had no connection for so long. But just knowing how sad and difficult her life has been and then dying so young from cancer. I can't believe I will lose 2 members of my family in a year. Just seems unbelievable.
I haven't seen my sister in 10 years. She has shizophrenia and violent tendencies. A hospital social worker called me today and said my sister is dying and asked to contact me. We grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive family. She never was able to really recover from that. Her life was so difficult, so sad. She has cancer and is refusing chemo. Dr said it would only extend her life a few months. My dad died a few months ago and honestly I have not felt a lot of emotions related to that. But with my sister, something in me is really grieving about her. Not necessarily about "losing" her b/c we've had no connection for so long. But just knowing how sad and difficult her life has been and then dying so young from cancer. I can't believe I will lose 2 members of my family in a year. Just seems unbelievable.
I am so sorry. Losing a sibling was surprisingly painful and different from losing a parent. It was more painful in a way - it felt more raw.
I lost my mother in January (dementia) and then my younger brother (cancer) in August. What a bad year. That was in 2019, and then I lost my husband in 2020. And I am pretty young! (Was 57 when my mom and brother died and was 58 when my husband died.) My dad died in late 2016, my MIL in 2015 and my FIL in 2014. And between 2017 and 2019 my mom had increasing dementia and I had "inherited" her and let's just say that she did not go gentle into that good night. (I didn't know at first that she had dementia because she totally denied any sort of problem and her dementia was vascular, not Alzheimer's so it was not as predictable - plus she had bipolar disorder and had had a stroke so all that really complicated things.) Oh and my brother was fighting cancer (and losing) between 2017 and 2019 too. NOT A HAPPY TIME IN MY LIFE.
Did you know that about 70 percent of people with serious mental health issues develop dementia? I didn't know that till my mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and my youngest brother has schizophrenia. I dodged the mental health bullet but it was sheer luck, not because of anything I did or didn't do. I was estranged from my youngest brother for a long time because he wasn't submitting to treatment and was violent and angry toward me. But now that he's been being treated he is definitely NOT violent or angry toward me which is a huge relief because I do love him.
Like you and your sister, he and I (and our brother who died) grew up in an abusive, dysfunctional home, due to our mother's undiagnosed (at first) but very clear and prominent bipolar disorder 1. Our dad didn't know how to handle this so he basically enabled my mom and my brother, and then my other brother was "the whipping boy," and then I was basically ignored. "Out of sight, out of mind," was my mantra. I tried to just be a good student and lay low.
And to their credit, both of my parents were trying to be good people - they just didn't know how. But they were trying, and that counts for something. So in spite of it all, I just dealt with my family. I sure was glad though when my youngest brother FINALLY got the help he needed. And then both our parents died and honestly, even though there's a lot of sadness to that history, I can't get mired down in all that, because I have my adult kids, grandkids, and my own life to live and nurture.
I'm very sorry about your sister though and I do feel like your emotions are normal. I also can testify that you CAN live through this and come out the other side as a better person actually.
My advice would be to allow yourself to feel and express those feelings. Get some quality grief counseling if you can too. Not crap counseling - good counseling. If your counselor doesn't encourage you to express WHATEVER you are feeling, then move on - unless you're being self destructive over the long haul, I can't see the harm in expressing your emotions in whatever way they come out, whatever order.
And I do think you're very wise to acknowledge the grief you're feeling over your family and your sister. Accept it and don't be afraid of it. The raw feeling will pass. Grief is not gut wrenching forever. I promise you that.
I haven't seen my sister in 10 years. She has shizophrenia and violent tendencies. A hospital social worker called me today and said my sister is dying and asked to contact me. We grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive family. She never was able to really recover from that. Her life was so difficult, so sad. She has cancer and is refusing chemo. Dr said it would only extend her life a few months. My dad died a few months ago and honestly I have not felt a lot of emotions related to that. But with my sister, something in me is really grieving about her. Not necessarily about "losing" her b/c we've had no connection for so long. But just knowing how sad and difficult her life has been and then dying so young from cancer. I can't believe I will lose 2 members of my family in a year. Just seems unbelievable.
I'm terribly sorry about your sister's diagnosis and previous difficult life. Despite your past relationship, you have the chance to contact her and I would encourage at least one attempt. If that does not go well you will have at least found out whatever she wanted to communicate to you. My sister died suddenly in her home Dec. 27th, 2017. She apparently had a massive stroke or a heart attack and died on the kitchen floor. I wish I had been able to have a last conversation with her, even though I did call her on Christmas Day. Her passing left a permanent hole in my heart, as we were the only ones who could share memories of our Mom after she got Alzheimers. I'm sorry that you will lose two family members in a year. It's very difficult. Hugs.
Wasted resources and wasted opportunities make me angry and sad. Don't waste this opportunity to reconcile with your sister. Once gone, it is gone forever. But you already know that.
Wasted resources and wasted opportunities make me angry and sad. Don't waste this opportunity to reconcile with your sister. Once gone, it is gone forever. But you already know that.
Agree. Regret over opportunities not taken isn't nice to live with. Should I have done it? Shouldn't I? Maybe you'll reconcile, maybe not. At least you will know you tried and that will help you put memories of her to rest.
I live far from her now. I called her hospital room and was able to speak with her. My other sibling visited her today (they also have not seen each other in 10 years). My sibling said my sister was talking nonsensical things to some imaginary figures and also talked about our dad bringing her home. My sibling told her our dad died this year and she said it can't be. My sibling said my sister was bone thin and looked 80 years old and that was likely a combination of the illness and living on the streets for 10 years. The dr said she has maybe 6 months to live. It was just all very sad to hear.
For those talking about reconciliation, there isn't really anything to reconcile. I hold nothing against her. She is not in her right mind. She's severely schizophernic and has almost never taken meds for it. We weren't in contact b/c I had no idea where she was as she was homeless and moving around on the streets. I also live in a different state. It was thanks to a very diligent hospital social worker who somehow tracked me down through an old email that we were able to get in touch.
OP---I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. As Kathryn said, losing a sibling is different than losing a parent.
I, too, grew up in a dysfunctional family. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was the perfect enabler. He would never intervene when she was being verbally, physically or emotionally abusive. One of my younger brothers died 8 years ago at 56. He had lung cancer (just like my mother). Like my mother, he self-medicated with tobacco and alcohol. In his case, he also added pot to the mix. He never took kindly to being told to take care of himself. No one he worked with would ever have guessed that he was an alcoholic as he got up everyday and did his job very well. I recognized that he was a depressive thus the self-medication. When he died, I took it a lot harder than I did when I lost my parents. Often, I would get sad and tearful. I would say out loud to him that I'm so sorry we grew up in such dysfunction and that as a kid, there was nothing I could do about it. I still think about him on his birthday and it saddens me that he's not around.
We went to visit him before he died. He was on in-home hospice care and using oxygen and morphine. When it was time for us to go home, he got out of bed to give hugs and say good-bye. To this day, I'm glad I told him that I loved him.
OP---you will never regret calling your sister's hospital room and speaking to her. You did the right thing, IMO.
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