Familiar With The Asian Culture? Help! (wife, father, husband, male)

[AnywhereElse]

Wasn't really sure where to post this. My son has been married for almost 11 years to a woman from the Philippines. He is 38 years old and she is somewhat older. They started recently having "issues" and per my DIL, in her culture when the couple has problems they are having trouble working out, they bring the parents into the conversation. I am the parent.

While I don't doubt that her culture does this and that in some cases it probably works, I am not sure what she expects me to do with "your son", "your son", "your son"............ She doesn't have anyone to really talk to and her parents are in their 80's (they had children into their older age) and in bad health still in the Philippines. It is some what difficult to understand her English especially when she is upset and takes a lot of concentration on my part and she calls late. I have told her though that she is welcome to call. I told her that I am not sure what I can do because my son joined the military, where he still is, 20 years ago. and what she claims is the issue would be something that he was taught was wrong. He won't have a conversation with me about this and they have always lived a long distance from us so we rarely see them.

Is anyone familiar enough with the Asian culture to help me understand what role she thinks I can fill? Maybe I am just a sounding board? She asked me what I would do if my husband did what she thinks (but doesn't know) my son would have done and I answered, "He knows better and he is afraid of me." I got silence on that but it's the truth. I explained the rules from day one.

I feel for many of these women that marry, are good wives and mothers, but still are not appreciated by their husbands. I had hoped my son would be different but I just don't know. My DIL has entered that phase where she feels like if she could only make herself better that everything would fall into place - I've been there, done that and explained how that is not the problem.

Thoughts? Advice?

[rrah]

You say he won't have a conversation about this? Have you tried?

I know what I would do if I was in a similar situation. I would call my son/daughter and directly ask if the accusations are true. If they were true, I would express my disappointment. If not true, I would suggest he needs to talk to his wife.

I suspect some/many will disagree with me. I think of it like this--if it were an adult friend I would express my disappointment also. The fact that it's your son should make it easier.

[G-fused]

Originally Posted by rrah

You say he won't have a conversation about this? Have you tried?

I know what I would do if I was in a similar situation. I would call my son/daughter and directly ask if the accusations are true. If they were true, I would express my disappointment. If not true, I would suggest he needs to talk to his wife.

I suspect some/many will disagree with me. I think of it like this--if it were an adult friend I would express my disappointment also. The fact that it's your son should make it easier.

A parental relationship is much different from a friend.

OP, you don't need to subscribe to a culture that isn't yours. I'd keep my nose out of it...way out. It's not your relationship. If you don't want your son to hate you, stop talking to his wife about personal issues. I think you know this.

Best of luck.

[Inkpoe]

Hmm. I know my mother (Japanese) talked to her mother and somewhat her brother (as my grandfather died when my mom was young) about her marriage(s). Definitely a soundboard for her, but it definitely opened up to criticism from them-- which she didn't like. OTOH, she hated it but it did give another perspective that she thought hard about. I know she did went to her MIL to despair about her second husband's (possible) cheating.

I don't think if you're uncomfortable that you should get involved anyway. Perhaps direct her to more contructive thinking/action, like ultimately to a therapist. Or tell that your cultural norm is not get involved and that you're not comfortable, unsure where to go.

[aliss2]

I'm not Asian but I am very familiar with many Asian cultures from my job. In a culture like the Philippines, the child (regardless of age) should strongly work to keep the family unit happy, particularly when considering older family members. She probably feels that your son would respect your expressed disappointment and make every effort to change. Maybe you can tell her that you will support her and have tried to talk to him, but the same expectation of obedience doesn't exist.

[JrzDefector]

I have a lot of friends from the Philippines. It's a very inclusive culture. Elders are respected and hospitality and family togetherness are HUGE.

You're her husband's mother, so she sees you as an integral part of his life and the family unit. (I'm betting she expects to be taking care of you when you are old.) But your son is American, so her cultural approach probably won't work.

I would offer her moral support but explain that in American culture it's basically taboo for parents to get involved in their children's marriages and your son would not respond well. Encourage her to insist on marriage counseling or to consult with her church leader if they are church members.

[AnywhereElse]

Thanks! My son won't speak with me on the phone and will answer emails but not address their issues. She suspects him of having an affair. She found an earring and later a barrette in his vehicle, latest reason, and he says that he doesn't know where it came from. See I tend to believe him and there are three possibilities that might make it true: (1) A co-worker might think it were funny to do this as I have seen co-workers/friends do things in poor taste before and (2) She has an almost 15 year old son from a previous relationship (one where the man cheated on her) and my son wanted to send him away to military school, not sure what that was about and he might want my son out of the picture and (3) Not knowing the MIL well, she is just now in a position to divorce and walk with half of my son's military retirement.

If he isn't cheating and she keeps accusing and looking for clues, I could see him being really upset. An interesting thing she said was she just had a feeling that there was something in the vehicle, went out and looked and found a barrette that wasn't hers or their daughters.

I have suggested counseling and even forwarded to both of them what was available through the military for both counseling and marriage seminars. Maybe they prefer the "drama" but I don't so will deal myself out if it continues.

[cindersslipper]

I used to live with a Filipina myself and know them well.

They GIVE a very high level of respect to those around them, and expect it in return.

I think she wants you to pressure your son on her behalf and she will dislike you immensely most likely, if you don't do as she wishes.

Perhaps she has a point though, perhaps your son is being a (whatever) and you CAN help pull him into line.

These women are also fantastic wives most often. Forget about any divorce too, it aint gonna happen.

My experience anyway, of course there is variation within all cultures.

[AnywhereElse]

I sent them both the same email telling them what I suspected might be the issue which is that someone else has put these things there that might want to see them have issues or breakup. I suspect the son but did not tell them that. I told them that they needed to talk this out. I don't see my son as not being capable of an affair but believe it is unlikely and the fact that he didn't come up with a lie versus he didn't know where the items came from reinforces my belief.

They went for 10 years without an issue and now they had one, talked it out and were going to be OK and suddenly, these two items show up in his vehicle? The other issue had to do with he and friends in Thailand and a photo of them all together on his cell phone with women on a sidewalk. She had stated that if he cheated she would divorce him and that might appeal to the son who he appears to have issues with but the son is at the age where if there are going to be issues with a father or step father, the old male challenge thing I have seen many times, this is the time.

Thanks everyone.

[G-fused]

People cheat, it happens. It's not your business. You don't know the details of their life and their relationship nor should you. Even if he did cheat, your son doesn't need mommy judging him. His wife should understand that she must work this out with her husband. She explained her culture and expectations, now you explain yours - you have culture and expectations too, why are you the one that's bending? Why are people not explaining American culture to her and then she try to understand that culture and not pull you into a place that you shouldn’t be? Seems a little selfish and blind to me. Did you explain what American culture says in this respect? Has she considered accommodating our culture? Maybe that’ll work better for her? She is in America and married into an American family.

I know, you’re trying to help her and keep the peace but it’s confusing and frustrating her. Either go all in or be all out. That way, she’s not anxious. And I feel like if she knows that your culture is such that this is none of your business, then she should make as strong an effort to respect that as you make to help and respect hers. Has she? I doubt it.

Yeah, she’s desperate, hysterical, etc. Welcome to life and marriage.

You talking to your son on her behalf is ridiculous. It’s not your marriage. She needs to talk to him – I’m sure she has, but the point is that they need to work through this. And if your son won’t listen to her or is a complete jerk to her, then that’s that. It’s their marriage. I can’t see your involvement making things better, only worse.