Am I being unreasonable about my addiction? (dynamics, disappointment, feel)
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I agree that your parents are unreasonable, in many ways. But I disagree with asking favors, even small favors of people, especially people who have shown time and again that they will disappoint you.
I believe favors are things to be offered, not asked for. Ever since I adopted that policy, I've been much happier. There are those who disagree with me, but they often either end up put-upon or disappointed, or both.
If I hear someone saying to me "can I ask you a..." or "could you do me a..." I cringe, waiting to hear the "f-word." It's usually something I don't want to do, that I feel the person should do themselves, and that would need to be done if the person had done what they needed to do in the first place. I'm NOT attacking the OP at all, but even she admitted it was her fault she left the kindle at the daughter's house. In my experience, the only people who ask me for favors are people that should have done (or not done) something and now want my help to fix it.
But if someone is telling me a story, and it becomes apparent that I can help out, I almost always offer to do a favor. Like if I were the OP's mother, and she told me the kindle story, I would be like "Oh, I'm driving that way when I come to your house! I could swing by and pick it up for you!" If I were the OP's friend and she were telling the story, I would probably offer to help her ship it or go pick it up. But if she asked me, I'd probably have a good reason ready for why I'm not available to help.
If the person asks me for the favor, I feel resentful, and I don't want to do it. I don't know, that's just how I'm wired.
Likewise, I never, ever ask favors of anyone, even people I am close to, and even people I feel might "owe" me a favor. If they offer, then I might or might not accept, and I would express lots of appreciation that they offered. But if they don't offer, I will die before asking. I sometimes say, if I'm on fire and a person is nearby with a hose, I will burn up before asking them to shoot it at me, but I would hope that they would be decent enough to offer to squirt me, or just squirt me without asking.
I know this sounds unreasonable to some, but it's just the way I am. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for anything. And if it's a favor I need, I'll do it myself. It is nice if someone offers, but I will never ask. I might even struggle when doing it myself. When I had an apartment when I was younger I was on the 3rd floor, and I would carry heavy things up the stairs all the time. I would never ask anyone to hold the door for me, and especially would never ask anyone to help me carrry stuff. I'll huff and puff, and struggle right in front of people. If they don't offer to help, then that speaks of them as people. Plenty of times, people would be out on their patio, or in the parking lot, and watch me, a 120 pound girl, hefting big things like a (1990s) TV or microwave in a box up the steps and they would not try to help. I'd be damned before saying "can I ask you a favor....?"
This sounds very reasonable to me! And I AM the author of the OP.
I basically NEVER ask anyone to do a favor for me. I tried to remember the last time I asked a favor of anyone, and to be honest, I couldn't come up with a time.
Example: Upcoming trip to Virginia. I can drive to Dallas, park my car in paid parking, and fly there, or I can drive to Shreveport, leave my car at my daughter's house, have her drive me to the airport, and then pick me back up.
Guess which one I chose - HOWDY, DALLAS! It costs me more money, but I won't inconvenience anyone else.
(Note - my daughter's first question to me was, "Why on earth didn't you fly out of Shreveport? We would have taken you to the airport!")
This is why my parents' refusal to pick that damn Kindle up bothered me so much. If I abused our relationship, took advantage of them, etc. like my brother does, I could understand it better. But considering that I NEVER ask any favors of them, and I am ALWAYS doing favors for them, frankly it shocked me. I am a respectful, kind, supportive daughter to them. I go out of my way to help them, and I never ask anything in return, and certainly don't expect them to repay me in any way.
I just thought...just thought...hey, wonder if they could help me out here? Silly me! OF COURSE NOT.
I am 50, my parents are in their 70s, and my daughter is 29. My daughter lives 1 hour from me. My parents live 1 1/2 hours from her and 2 1/2 hours from me.
I am an avid reader and I love my Kindle. I take it with me on any trip - anytime I'm spending the night anywhere, or flying. I read from it several hours a day. I read before I go to sleep at night.
I forgot my Kindle at my daughter's house a few days ago. As soon as I called to tell her (so that she could put it up safely - she has small children), she offered immediately to drive and meet me half way with it. Of course, I told her not to bother - I visit her about every other week or so, and I could do without it for awhile - better for me to be inconvenienced than to have her load the kids in the car and drive down the interstate to meet me at a truck stop! Besides that, we are meeting up for a big family vacation (my kids, not my parents) in Virginia in about 10 days. She could bring it with her, right?
Well, a few days passed, and I was really missing that Kindle. I considered having FedEx go pick it up from her house, but it's a very expensive model of the Kindle, with a very nice leather cover, and it was a gift from my husband - probably one of the best gifts I've ever received. Plus - my daughter would have to find a box, wait for the guy, and then it would cost money to ship anyway - and what if something happened to it? No, better to just wait.
Well, an amazing thing happened. My parents, who RARELY come to my house, decided to come for an overnight visit! Now, it has been probably two years since they came for a visit, though I drive up to see them at least once a month for a weekend (and stop along the way and buy my dad a six pack of beer since they live in a dry county). By the way, my parents are in good health and driving is not a problem for them.
Little bit of history here - I consider my parents to be extremely self absorbed. They basically refuse to be inconvenienced. Example - we had planned to have Thanksgiving at my daughter's house a few years ago - it's in between everyone. The weather forecast called for rain on Thanksgiving. About a 40 percent chance of rain. My parents didn't want to drive in the rain, so they actually thought it made more sense for all of us - me, my husband, my daughter, her husband and their four kids - to change our plans and drive to THEIR HOUSE. They absolutely refused to drive to her house - something they had never wanted to do in the first place - so, they spent Thanksgiving alone and we all got together as planned - and it didn't rain.
Anyway, that's just one example of the MANY examples I could give of them being very recalcitrant to put themselves out in any way. (Oh, wait - I can't resist this one - my entire family had carbon monoxide poisoning once, when we lived four hours away, and were hospitalized for five days and then sick at home for about a month. Two of my kids and I nearly died. My parents did not come to visit in the hospital, or when we got home - no offers to help, nothing. They did, however, expect us to drive to their house for Christmas three weeks later.)
Anyway, back to the Kindle. I have a flight booked to Virginia this weekend, with a very tight layover schedule. The odds of me sitting around in an airport are pretty high. Any way you look at it, I will be stuck traveling and sitting around all day Saturday. I really want that Kindle. So - I thought to myself, "Mom and Dad are coming my way! There's a clean gas station right off the interstate five minutes from my daughter's house. They could call when they're almost there, and my daughter could meet them and give them my Kindle!" I called and asked my daughter, who immediately said, "Sure, Mom - no problem at all!"
Well, you can guess. It's a problem to my parents. See, they don't like to drive on the interstate. They don't "come this way" even though it's the shorter distance. They take a longer, back roads way - that is, when they do make the trip, which like I said is about once every two years.
Actually my mom said yes, and then my dad reminded her they'd have to get on the interstate, so they called and said they wouldn't do it.
When I said "You know - to be honest, this hurts my feelings. I NEVER ask you to do ANYTHING for me - can you even think of the last time I asked you to do something for me? Come on - think about it. When was the last time I asked a favor of you?" All they could say was, "But we don't drive on the interstate."
THEN they started implying that I am "frantic" for my Kindle and that it's completely unreasonable for me to need it, or to be worried about having it shipped to me. Even after I told them that I've had packages left out in the rain, sitting on top of my mailbox, laying out in the middle of my driveway, etc - and that now it has to get here in three days or I'm gone for a week - that makes no difference to them.
Also, I know my son in law - I would offer to pay for the shipping, but he wouldn't accept it - and they are a young family who lives paycheck to paycheck. I don't want him to be out $30 just because I forgot my Kindle at their house. I would much rather my AFFLUENT parents pull over and take literally three minutes to pick it up for me.
So - I said, "Hmm, if I want to have that Kindle for my trip, and I don't want to inconvenience my daughter by having her have to package it up and mail it, then I guess I'll just need to go get it myself." My mom then says, "YOU ARE SO HARDHEADED! You have just GOT to have your way! And I think your fixation on this...this...KINDLE thing...is sort of odd." Then my dad pops in with this jewel: "OK, fine. If it will make you happy for your dad to compromise his principles, I will drive on the interstate (note - this would be one hour and fifteen minutes on the interstate) and pick up your Kindle."
See the demonization there? I am:
1. Hardheaded and must have my way.
2. Strangely addicted
3. Asking someone else to compromise their principles.
I sighed and said, "You know what is sort of odd? That this is such a big deal. I so seldom ask you to do ANYTHING for me, that I obviously forgot the reason WHY I don't ask you to do me any favors. It's because you basically refuse to be inconvenienced - for anyone. You really can't see that it would have meant so much to me for you to just pick the Kindle up on your way here - without this brouhaha! I would have been so grateful! Now I'm just mad! And on top of that, I feel stupid for ever even thinking you MIGHT have done it!"
GRRRRRRRRRRR, why do I even want these people to come to my house???????????
Bottom line here is YOU are being childish over a damn e-reader!! If it's that damn important to you go on ebay and buy a backup e-reader to cover your crappy memory that started this issue in the first place!
You should be ashamed of yourself for bothering everyone CAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR E-READER !!!
Unfortunately, some parents do play favorites. And they will deny it. I would suggest deciding what you're willing to do for them, but don't expect anything back. But don't feel guilted into doing things you don't want to do. When they ask you to do something you don't want to, tell them to ask your brother to do it.
That said, I do think their concerns about driving in the rain & the interstate should be taken seriously. Some of the skills and reflexes we use to drive start to deteriorate with age. Fatality rates start to climb after 65, according to a USA Today article. Highway driving, night driving and bad weather can be more of a challenge to an elderly driver. I'm in my 40s and while I can still drive at night, the night vision isn't what it was in my 20s.
If your dad doesn't feel comfortable doing a certain type of driving, don't try to persuade him otherwise. At least he knows his limits and is being responsible about it.
But I do think the other concerns you have are valid ones.
Well, now that I know the extent of their travel worries, believe me, I won't be asking them to drive in anything less than broad daylight, no wind, on a minor side road, with no possibility of rain anywhere in the forecast. Not that I have asked that before. I did find it odd though, that they would think it was a better idea for my daughter to load up four small kids in a van and drive through the "rain" (which didn't even occur) to their house than it was for them to drive to her house.
I guess they really are very worried about driving on the interstate. This has just not been a topic of conversation between us - and you know why? Because I always drive to THEIR house!
This sounds very reasonable to me! And I AM the author of the OP.
I basically NEVER ask anyone to do a favor for me. I tried to remember the last time I asked a favor of anyone, and to be honest, I couldn't come up with a time.
Example: Upcoming trip to Virginia. I can drive to Dallas, park my car in paid parking, and fly there, or I can drive to Shreveport, leave my car at my daughter's house, have her drive me to the airport, and then pick me back up.
Guess which one I chose - HOWDY, DALLAS! It costs me more money, but I won't inconvenience anyone else.
(Note - my daughter's first question to me was, "Why on earth didn't you fly out of Shreveport? We would have taken you to the airport!")
This is why my parents' refusal to pick that damn Kindle up bothered me so much. If I abused our relationship, took advantage of them, etc. like my brother does, I could understand it better. But considering that I NEVER ask any favors of them, and I am ALWAYS doing favors for them, frankly it shocked me. I am a respectful, kind, supportive daughter to them. I go out of my way to help them, and I never ask anything in return, and certainly don't expect them to repay me in any way.
I just thought...just thought...hey, wonder if they could help me out here? Silly me! OF COURSE NOT.
Right. But just by asking them, you set yourself for disappointment. If you stick to "never asking anything in return" with no exceptions, then you'll be less likely to be disappointed. Tell them you'd rather bleed to death on their front lawn, than ever dare ask them for a band-aid.
Well, now that I know the extent of their travel worries, believe me, I won't be asking them to drive in anything less than broad daylight, no wind, on a minor side road, with no possibility of rain anywhere in the forecast. Not that I have asked that before. I did find it odd though, that they would think it was a better idea for my daughter to load up four small kids in a van and drive through the "rain" (which didn't even occur) to their house than it was for them to drive to her house.
I guess they really are very worried about driving on the interstate. This has just not been a topic of conversation between us - and you know why? Because I always drive to THEIR house!
Do you want your Kindle? Or do you want to just make a whole lot of drama for your family?
Because it sounds like the latter, with all of this hemming and hawing over a small item that you could have picked up five times already since you left it there.
Do you always make such mountains out of molehills? Who cares about all of the other stuff? You want your Kindle. Go get it! Geez!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grandpa Pipes
Bottom line here is YOU are being childish over a damn e-reader!! If it's that damn important to you go on ebay and buy a backup e-reader to cover your crappy memory that started this issue in the first place!
You should be ashamed of yourself for bothering everyone CAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR E-READER !!!
Amen! I have a sister like that. The world revolves around her. She made a mistake, so now everyone else has to drop what they are doing to help her. Total drama queen if we don't do her bidding. "You don't love me! You never help me! WAAAAAAAAH!" Drives me batcrap insane, so that I avoid her now.
Bottom line here is YOU are being childish over a damn e-reader!! If it's that damn important to you go on ebay and buy a backup e-reader to cover your crappy memory that started this issue in the first place!
You should be ashamed of yourself for bothering everyone CAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR E-READER !!!
So let me get this straight...you didn't read the post and now you're making fun of the OP. I think you should be ashamed of yourself for bothering everyone because you can't read past the first post. Some people...
"I never" and "I always" are sure-fire relationship killers.
Also, in my not so humble opinion, going from asking of others(and secretly expecting of others because of what we do) to resolving that we simply won't ask at all is traveling from one end "of the stick" to another.
That'll simply lead to indignation of others expecting/asking of us because we "never" ask of anyone, anything.......we're so self-sufficient and all........
Do you want your Kindle? Or do you want to just make a whole lot of drama for your family?
Because it sounds like the latter, with all of this hemming and hawing over a small item that you could have picked up five times already since you left it there.
Do you always make such mountains out of molehills? Who cares about all of the other stuff? You want your Kindle. Go get it! Geez!
Why are you being so rude? This woman has explained over and over again, for the slow ones out there, that the Kindle really brought up a deeper issue. And because of time constraints, it wasn't really a doable thing to go right then (or even the next few days).
It's not unreasonable to think your FREAKING PARENTS would be nice, but the bigger issue is they're not that awesome. They're self absorbed. Why is that so hard to understand why that might be hurtful? The Kindle is just something that was incidental.
Bottom line here is YOU are being childish over a damn e-reader!! If it's that damn important to you go on ebay and buy a backup e-reader to cover your crappy memory that started this issue in the first place!
You should be ashamed of yourself for bothering everyone CAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR E-READER !!!
Wow. I sure am glad I don't have to spend holidays with you. And I'm sure that feeling is reciprocated.
(Dad, that's not YOU, is it? )
You don't get it, do you? You really think this is about a Kindle.
Let me break it down for you very simply.
Yes, it's my fault I forgot my Kindle. Yes, I was willing to go pick it up but it was difficult getting my schedule lined out with my daughter's schedule. So - I was just going to get it from her later.
My parents are coming to see me. The most practical route goes within five minutes of my daughter's house. I thought they would be coming that way, because it's the shortest way here. So I didn't think it would be unreasonable to ask them if they were willing to pick it up on their way here.
They told me they would.
Then they called back and said informed me that they have decided not to take the interstate route because - news to me - they don't drive on the interstate anymore. So no, they wouldn't pick it up.
It was never my intention to "bother everyone" with this. It's not like I left a paperback book somewhere. I left a Kindle (and leather cover) that cost over $200 at my daughter's house, and I thought my parents would be passing within five minutes of her house, so I didn't think it was unreasonable to ask them if they would pick it up. When I asked them, I had no idea that they "never travel on the interstate," and in fact, I am not really so sure that's the truth, considering how much they do travel out of state. But that's their business.
By the way, there are alternate routes to get to my house from her house - they don't have to be on the interstate more than 20 minutes. As it is, they're already driving at least 30 minutes out of the way to go the way they go down back roads.
The bottom line is, yes, I made a mistake and am ultimately responsible for getting that Kindle back to me. No one else is. I was just very taken aback that they'd refuse to do something that I thought was a very small request. I had no idea they won't ever get on an interstate highway.
New development on the geriatric front!
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Drama, drama, drama.
ask of anyone, anything.......we're so self-sufficient and all........
)