ex, now just friends, and it's awkward... (girlfriend, boyfriend, guilty)
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I have a friend...she's an ex of mine...and we went a long way together..
I still like her a lot, as a person, I think she's a genuinely good person.
Anyway, I met her at a very low point in my life. Almost as low as you can go. She helped me through it and for that I'm terribly thankful.
We still keep in contact.
She wants to talk. Her life, she feels, is a mess. As bad as mine was when I first met her.
Her current boyfried is cheating on her...and they're in the middle of an argument because of it.
She doesn't like her job.
She got an abortion recently.
And one of her best friends committed suicide just a couple months ago.
She feels guilty about her friend (she said she could have picked up the phone at anytime and talked to him, but she was busy with her life)...but she also mentions that 'maybe he had the right idea'.
And I know the sentiment.
As we're talking, she starts alluding to us maybe getting back together...which I don't want. (Other issues for me..)
So, I was faced with the decision of leading her on or telling her that me and her won't happen (and further, you know, making her feel bad).
I chose option b because option a seemed like it would just compound issues.
So I told her where I was with her...and I haven't heard from her since.
I'm just scared that she'll do something stupid. Like I can pick up the phone and call her anytime...but I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. Really I'd be calling her because I'm not too sure what's going on with her anymore and I'm a bit scared about her comments recently.
Should I have lead her on?
Should I call her? Does hearing from an ex help or hurt her more?
I don't know what to do...but I know when the situation was reversed what she did helped me a lot and I'd like to, if possible, return the favor.
Short of getting on a plane and flying 7 hours to go have lunch with her, what can I do?
From what you've described it sounds like you did exactly the right thing by not leading her on. I think it'd be nice to give her a call to see how she's doing.
Be present for her. Never let her think that you two have a chance as a couple, but check in regularly. She sounds like she's having a rough time, and she helped you through a bad time.
My one ex put me back together after some really bad stuff happened in my life. Long after we broke up, I remained a presence in his life and helped him out when things took several turns for the worse with him. I have never regretted it.
Might tell her the following (which is advice I genuinely mean when I give it to others)
Best to stay single for a good long while after a breakup, in order to re-establish yourself as an individual, minus the influence of your ex. When coupled, you're no longer yourself. You're you + them, and you'll be that for a while after breaking up with them. Your next romantic partner deserves to court the person you're going to be, not who you have been due to time spent with your ex. And even you do not know the difference until after you wait awhile.
Plus, she is going through a tough time right now. She needs to get her life in general in order before taking on a new relationship. I'd actually offer this advice to you even if you had said you do like her that way. Try to find the best time to tell her this (e.g., not when she's making hints about the two of you getting together, just when she's talking about dating or relationships in general). Good luck to you!
Might tell her the following (which is advice I genuinely mean when I give it to others)
Best to stay single for a good long while after a breakup, in order to re-establish yourself as an individual, minus the influence of your ex. When coupled, you're no longer yourself. You're you + them, and you'll be that for a while after breaking up with them. Your next romantic partner deserves to court the person you're going to be, not who you have been due to time spent with your ex. And even you do not know the difference until after you wait awhile.
Plus, she is going through a tough time right now. She needs to get her life in general in order before taking on a new relationship. I'd actually offer this advice to you even if you had said you do like her that way. Try to find the best time to tell her this (e.g., not when she's making hints about the two of you getting together, just when she's talking about dating or relationships in general). Good luck to you!
So well said. People need time to move on after a long term relationship and be fair to themselves as well as someone interested In them afterwards. The Op sounds smart wanting to offer kind words but not getting back involved.
If you feel you must contact her keep it brief and not daily or weekly, once a month or every couple weeks send a text or an email asking how things are going, hope she is well..etc etc then leave it at that. Personally if she is geared toward being back in your life and you don't want that to happen I would not contact her at all. She says the new boyfriend is cheating on her but they are fighting about it? What is to fight about she should have already broken all contact with him and walked away. There is no fight, he cheated, she leaves, pretty simple. She is not mature enough or emotionally stable enough to want anything more than a woe is me friend and a rebound guy who she is familiar with.
There is a big difference - when she helped you, you were not ex's yet. Really she sounds like a drama queen if she just wants to talk about her crappy relationship and abortions but doesn't want to ditch the boyfriend. And it sounds like she's the type who won't leave one relationship until she's got another going and she wants to use you for that.
It doesn't sound like you want back with her so why pretend or let her think she will have a new relationship so she can end the other.
In my opinion, i dnt think you're "stringing her along". Im kinda goin thru the same situation myself. My ex keeps calling & txting sayin he jus wanna see how im doing and whts been goin on with me but the conversation always leads to somewhere I had no intention of it going. Ppl want wht they want, plain & simple. And even though, he has a baby on the way (w/ his current girlfriend), obviously he's not happy and wishes we were back 2gether (NEVER GONNA HAPPN!!).
The BEST advice that i can give u, is STAND UR GROUND!! Let them know its nice to hear frm them but u're happy how u r! Good Luck budd!
You might call her and share that you want to be there as a friend for her, that you've always appreciated how she was there when you needed a friend. Leave it at that. You didn't do anything wrong. She is maybe just a bit embarrassed at sounding like she desperately wanted you back. You may have made her face decisions regarding her current boyfriend knowing that you were willing to be her rebound. I don't think you should feel guilty.
Short of getting on a plane and flying 7 hours to go have lunch with her, what can I do?
Nothing?
Being there to talk her 'back' from the edge of suicide is separate from getting back together with her. You can do the first without doing the second.
[so, the answer is do something but not everything]
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