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I've been doing alot of thinking about my friendship with my "best friend". And I'd like to know if I'm just being childish or are my feelings understandable.
My best friend and I have been friends for 13 years. We've always had a great friendship and spent all of our time hanging out or talking on the phone, computer or whatever. In our first year of high school, I got in trouble for having Motrin at school (someone saw me take it during lunch and told on me) they ended up talking to all the people on my bus and had them write written statements about if they knew if I had the medicine or not. Once I got expelled from school, they gave us an envelope with I guess the report or whatever and also these handwritten statements. Of course no one knew, but then there was this one paper, no one signed their names but I knew that handwriting. It was my best friends handwriting, pretty much snitching me out. I stayed in denial about it, either thinking it couldn't have been her or maybe they threatened her with something and made her write it. I let it go, because she was my best friend, and to this day she doesn't know that I know she snitched me out.
The following year, once I was allowed back at school, there was this guy in mine & my friends class that always flirted with me and everything else, I did not like him and wouldn't really talk to him. Well my friend had a class with his girlfriend, and she talked crap about me to the his girlfriend, and even gave her my phone number and address! This girl called me constantly and would harass me, and I didn't even do anything! I never knew how she got my number, and my friend just acted like everything was ok. One night the girl called me and told me that my best friend gave it to her and told me all the stuff she had told her. So that night my friend and I were chatting online and I confronted her about it, and she pretty much admitted that she did it. I was so upset and so confused as to why my best friend would do that to me. I got ugly with her and called her some names and ended the conversation. That's when our friendship ended. Having classes with her wasnt easy, she'd make jokes or talk about me to other classmates with me in the room and of course everyone egged it on. I eventually transferred schools because I just couldn't handle it anymore.
During my 11grade year I was still at another school and I was really missing my best friend, I put aside what she did to me and just wanted her back as my friend, I sent her emails apologizing (for what reason I don't know) and tried to reach out to her and wanted to be her friend. I never got any response after several attempts, so I decided to let it go.
That summer I decided I wanted to go back to my other school to graduate, I knew everyone and I wasn't really happy at my new school.
That summer my friend sent me a message on the computer, apologizing and wanting to be friends again. I accepted the apology and felt that we had grown up some and that what she did was just a childish mistake. School started and we had a class together, we talked some and we hung out very little. And it remained this way for the whole year (she had a new best friend). Once we graduate high school she asked me to be her roommate in college in the dorms and I accepted. It was exciting and once we went to college we started to talk and hang out more, it was almost like the old times. She ended up getting pregnant, and at the end of the semester we both moved back home. We still hung out and talked, I even planned and threw her the baby shower. I wasn't able to make it to the hospital due to work, by the time I was off she had already been sent home. But she said she understood.
And I've never thought about any of this and how she hurt me in high school until now.
Now my friend is married with 2 children, expecting a third, and is best friends with her sister in law(Same girl from highschool that she became friends with)
I am friends with the girl too, but it's really more of an aquantence thing. She is also married and has 2 children. Then there's another girl we were all friends with, she is married with 1 child.
And here I am, I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, and have no children. I feel very left out but I don't let it bother me. This is what bothers me though-
All of us have always done stuff together like have "game nights" where we all hang out and play card games or something. It's always been at either my best friends house, or the sister in laws house. We have went several times and if we didn't go its because my boyfriend and I had to work the next day.
We also go out to eat or go shopping alot, but it's very like one sided. For example, if my best friend calls and asks me to meet her for lunch or dinner, I always go. The only times I haven't is if I already had plans or didn't have the money. But more times then none I always go because I enjoy hanging out with her. If I ask her to have lunch with me, it never happens. She either explains why she can't (mostly because she has to clean her house) or she tells me yes and then at last minute says she can't. Last time I asked her, days ahead of time, she said yes and the day before we set up a time to meet. The next day I called and text and got no response, an hour before we are supposed to meet she finally calls me and tells me she forgot about our lunch date, and instead has to finish cleaning her house. It kind of aggravated me but I let it go.
On another occasion, we all went out to dinner, her and her husband and kids, the sister in law and her husband and kids, our other friend and her family, and my boyfriend and I. They knew I had to work and what time I got off work and said it was fine, so we were about 15 minutes late since I had came from work. I got there and they all had already ordered their food. So we had to wait for the waitress to come back and place our order, and got our food last. I kind of though the least they could do was wait on us.
For my birthday we all went out to eat, I let everyone know days in advance, 20 minutes till its time to meet and my friend calls to say they may not be coming because her husband wants to go have dinner with his friend that's in from out of town. A little understandable but it was my birthday, they had known about this, and she was waiting till the last minute to tell me. I told her ok I understood and even invited the friend that I didn't even know. She called me back a short time later and said that they were coming and on their way (we were already at the place when she called). Along with our friends and the sister in law and their families since we are all kind of friends. We waited an HOUR and they finally showed up. And they lived 15 min away. We didn't order though I wasn't going to be rude, so we sat there an hour until they got there and then we ordered.
At another time all of us had went bowling, I had stepped away to bowl and when I came back I overheard the girls talking a out their "girls night" to dinner and the movies. I asked about it and why I wasn't invited and then they invited me and the sister in law said she thought she sent me a message on Facebook, which she didn't. I ended up going.
And last but not least, my boyfriend and I recently got our own place together, something very exciting for me. The 2nd weekend we were there we had a get together and I invited my best friend and her husband over, they couldn't make it over for whatever reason. And since then we have done several things and invited them over and they have never came. Several times she has called me and asked what we were doing and said they were bored and wanted to do something that night, I invited them to come over and grill and hang out have some drinks but they never show and end up going to a bar. Or she has called wanting us to go to a bar with them and sometimes we do, or if we don't have the money or have to work I decline and explain why.
Well we had been moved into our new place for 2 months at the time and after several invitations she still hadnt came over, not even to see our new home. I was a little hurt and I text her and let her know how I felt, she said its because her feelings were hurt because I didn't go to her last game night(my boyfriend and I had to work the next morning). I didn't mean to hurt her feelings and I apologized. She came over the next day, only because I said something and I guess she felt bad. But that was the only time she's came over.
2 weeks ago I threw my boyfriend a birthday party at the house, we had a fire, had drinks grilled some food. I called and invited them a week in advance and she said they would come. It's the night of the party and people are showing up, a couple hours go by and they haven't showed up, I get a call from her and she asked me what I was doing and I told her that we were having the party, and she just acts like it wasn't nothing and said she was just calling to see what I was doing because she was bored, I asked if they were coming and she said no because her husband was hunting and she had her kids. I told her there were kids over so they could come too and could play but she declined and said they were being bad. This really pissed me off too.
And then this past weekend - she calls and I invites us over for game night, I told her we would come and asked what time, she said she wasn't sure but would let me know. I called her after I got off work and she said she still didn't know because get husband wasnt home yet and her mom was coming by. I told her I had a couple things to do in town to call and let me know. 2 hours later my boyfriend and I were done running errands so I called her, and got no answer, I text and called again still no answer. So we decide to head home. We were already almost home (we live 30mins away) and she calls me and said she was still having game night and asked if we were on our way... I told her we were already almost home that I'd have to turn around. I was going to turn around and go all the way back, and my boyfriend told me not to, to just go home, so I do. And the rest of the way home he asks me "how many times do they invite you or us to do something and we do?" I answered him "alot" and then he asked me "how many time have we invited them over and they came?" And I answered him "none, never" and he really got me thinking, and he was right, that I am not her best friend, I am just a convenience. She asks me to go have lunch with her when her sister in law can't or her husband won't. I am just her convenient friend. And it's always been that way. Ever since school. And it hurts my feeling so much because I don't understand what I've done to her for her to be that way. The only things I can think of that may have hurt her was that I wasn't there for the births of her children. Which I worked 2 jobs and the only time I could make it up there was late at night and you can't visit that late. I didn't know she was having her babies until her sister in law posted it on Facebook. I threw her first baby shower but couldn't make it to the 2nd one because of work and the shower was on short notice. But I was her bridesmaid in her wedding and everything I just don't understand.
She's like the only friend I have that I actually talk to and hang out with, I really don't want to lose her but I really don't feel like our friendship is real. I haven't spoke to her in a couple days since that night we were supposed to go over there and I didn't even tell her why we didn't come. When she eventually text or calls me should I tell her how I feel and risk losing her friendship over argument or just let it go? Am I being childish for feeling this way?
I understand she has a husband and two kids and job so her life is busy, but she always makes time for her sister in law and other people, but never me. I don't know if its because I don't have kids or what I don't know..
Yes, our school was very strict and if we needed any medicine during school our parents had to bring it to the office and we were only allowed so much of a dose. I kept Motrin in my purse for when I had pms and the office only gives you 2 Motrin.
Also to mention, the year after I got expelled before I transferred schools while me and my friend weren't friends anymore, her and another girl got in trouble for having pills (idk what kind) and when they got caught both of them tried the lie and say that I gave them the pills. The principle told me and didn't believe them. I don't know if they just got caught and thought it sounded good to blame me to get them out of trouble, or if they planned to set me up and get me expelled again and the plan back fired. I have no clue. And I have never talked about this with her..
You are being pretty childish, but only because you seem to keep score in these relationships.
The thing about that is that you have a double standard: Rules that you apply to your friends don't seem to apply to you. In other words, you always question or doubt their excuses for not coming to stuff, while YOUR excuses are always perfectly valid ("we have to work the next day").
Honestly, everyone is probably doing the best they can. As a mom of three, I can tell you that yes, kids change everything, and lunch is hard to do when you have kids at home. You're a LOT more tired than you use to be, emotionally and physically, and parents sometimes feel more comfortable around other parents since they have so much more in common. My kids dominated my thoughts, and I always worried that I was boring my childless friends when we'd go out.
i think your only hope for survival with these friends is to be much more laid back. Just be very chill about getting-together and stop keeping score on how many times you are included or not included.
That high school stuff is long past. People mature and change, and as people grow their priorities shift as well. Friends do take a back seat to spouses and kids, and that is the way it should work.
Treat them the way you would want them to treat you, and if they don't act in kind, that's on them.
Just for the record . . . many schools have that policy - no "drugs" are to be in the possession of students at any time - including aspirin, tylenol, cough syrup, etc. Any drugs have to be taken to the school nurse, along with a doctor's note . . . and can only be dispensed by the school nurse. We moved to another state and I sent tylenol to school with my son and he got in trouble - that is how I found out that some school districts have very strict rules about "drugs" and students having them in their possession. We were lucky that they gave us a pass b/c we were new to the school; otherwise, my son would have been suspended -- and he was only in the 3rd grade!
As to your friend . . . You know what the score is. This has nothing to do with something "you have done" - such as not being there when she had her babies. This girl is not that into a friendship with you - you are a second tier friend - someone to call on when her first tier friends are not available.
This friendship means a lot more to you than it has ever meant to her. I am so sorry that you have not been truly valued as a friend b/c you sound like a very caring person . . . but it is time to recognize things as they are - and find new friends. And meanwhile, you need to just quietly disengage f/ this friendship. If she invites you to things and you want to go - then by all means, go! But no more invites from you . . . just let it die out.
I have this feeling that once you show no interest in her life (calling her up, texting her, inviting her places) she is going to suddenly take more interest in your life. She is a drama-driven person and so this would be predictable on her part. Just remember: nothing will ever change with her b/c she is who she is - inconsiderate and self-centered - and she just uses you for companionship so she doesnt have to do things alone.
You are worth more than that and deserve friends who respect you and will be there for you - b/c they appreciate you - not b/c everyone else is busy and so - inviting you is better than being alone.
You are being pretty childish, but only because you seem to keep score in these relationships.
The thing about that is that you have a double standard: Rules that you apply to your friends don't seem to apply to you. In other words, you always question or doubt their excuses for not coming to stuff, while YOUR excuses are always perfectly valid ("we have to work the next day").
Honestly, everyone is probably doing the best they can. As a mom of three, I can tell you that yes, kids change everything, and lunch is hard to do when you have kids at home. You're a LOT more tired than you use to be, emotionally and physically, and parents sometimes feel more comfortable around other parents since they have so much more in common. My kids dominated my thoughts, and I always worried that I was boring my childless friends when we'd go out.
i think your only hope for survival with these friends is to be much more laid back. Just be very chill about getting-together and stop keeping score on how many times you are included or not included.
That high school stuff is long past. People mature and change, and as people grow their priorities shift as well. Friends do take a back seat to spouses and kids, and that is the way it should work.
Treat them the way you would want them to treat you, and if they don't act in kind, that's on them.
You are being pretty childish, but only because you seem to keep score in these relationships.
The thing about that is that you have a double standard: Rules that you apply to your friends don't seem to apply to you. In other words, you always question or doubt their excuses for not coming to stuff, while YOUR excuses are always perfectly valid ("we have to work the next day").
Honestly, everyone is probably doing the best they can. As a mom of three, I can tell you that yes, kids change everything, and lunch is hard to do when you have kids at home. You're a LOT more tired than you use to be, emotionally and physically, and parents sometimes feel more comfortable around other parents since they have so much more in common. My kids dominated my thoughts, and I always worried that I was boring my childless friends when we'd go out.
i think your only hope for survival with these friends is to be much more laid back. Just be very chill about getting-together and stop keeping score on how many times you are included or not included.
That high school stuff is long past. People mature and change, and as people grow their priorities shift as well. Friends do take a back seat to spouses and kids, and that is the way it should work.
Treat them the way you would want them to treat you, and if they don't act in kind, that's on them.
Good points, especially about keeping score.
I also think the whole thing about not going to her house and not explaining what was going on was very childish and passive aggressive.
I also think the whole thing about not going to her house and not explaining what was going on was very childish and passive aggressive.
OP, Ani's point about your being more invested in this relationship than your friend is correct. Stop trying to compete for this friend's attention because you won't win.
Just focus on your life, your SO and your goals. BE a good friend to others and hopefully you will find other friends who do the same for you.
Thanks for the replies, I don't try to "keep score" that's not what I'm trying to do, but it makes no sense to me for her to break off plans with me, and give me whatever excuse, but then turn around the same time we were supposed to do whatever, and go hang out with her sister in law or other friends who have kids, and the kids aren't even there! And then post about it on facebook. I get what you're saying about how it's hard to do lunch or other things with kids at home, but her kids are not at home, even on her days off she sends the kids to daycare or they are at the fathers house. Everytime there's a birthday party for her kids she always tells me the day before or even one the day OF, and it's too late I can't take off work to come, while everyone else gets the invite ahead of time. It's just hard for me, I'm being left out because I don't have a child, I don't think that's right. And with my pcos, I may not (hopefully not) get to have children, so I will always be left out. You just don't forget about your life long friends because your life changes...
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