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So as it turns out, a large majority of my co-workers think I'm a rude douchebag. They equate my "douchieness" to the fact that I'm from NY, which I don't really understand but apparently to people from Atlanta, all Northeasterners are the worst people on the planet.
I don't know if I just fail at adjusting to life down here or if I really am a d-bag and I just don't know it.
For example, I was helping a person from a different department today on a project we both are involved in. He was talking about the budget and I told him that some of it had to be used for this very vital, almost non-questionable piece of the campaign. He said they couldn't work it in and that blew my mind so I asked him what the budget was being used for and he took offense to it.
I later asked another co-worker why he got mad and he said that it's probably how I phrased the question or the tone of which I said it. I know I can be blunt but isn't my question kind of understandable and reasonable?
There have been so many instances of people saying I'm rude or inconsiderate and I just don't get it. 90% of it happens at work (probably since 90% of my life is work).
Anyone else have this problem or any related input?
I dont know you but I can say tone can play a huge role on how you relate to others. There is a difference of culture between the two places and that will also play a role. My sister is educated, a hard worker but no one ever likes her at her jobs. She misses out on promotions and other things on a consistent basis. She just lost out on a job she was more than qualified for but people feel they cant get along with her. She has the worst tone in her voice. She comes across as demanding, brash and snotty. I used to dread going shopping with her or eating at a restaurant because she had no clue how nasty she comes across. A sales person will walk up asking if we need help. Her reply, "no, I am just looking." Sounds harmless but if you actually see her body language and tone of voice she comes across really nasty. Then she is baffled when the sales person never comes back when she really does need help. She is convinced its not her problem, its them. She wont change and I wish she would because I think her overall quality of life would be better.
I work in IT and talk to people all over the country. I find it interesting because I find people in general interesting. The New Yorkers I speak to are usually brash with their tone. I am used to it because within a few minutes I can determine if they are just gruff or just being an ass. 90% of the time, they are gruff and nice people. Southerners are brought up that politeness is a must. They are the most pleasant people to talk to and my company actually will hire people from the south more often because studies have been done that in general, people feel comfortable with someone that has a slight twang to their voice. It has a calming effect on people that are stressed.
Think about the way you phrase things, your tone and body language. What you say may be true and totally makes sense but how you deliver the message could give a whole different meaning. If this is the case, you are open to change because you recognize may be there is an issue.
Oh my goodness, it's déja vu all over again. When I moved to the upper Midwest from England 15 years ago I was defensive, abrasive and deeply unhappy. Amazingly people I worked with didn't like me either! What a shock. It took me quite a while to realise that I was indeed part of the problem and had to work on myself quite hard. I'm not saying you need to change who you are but perhaps think a lot more about how people perceive you. We all have three faces: the one we think we show to people, the one they see and the one we only show to ourselves. Those coworkers who don't know you can only interpret your attitude and behaviour based on their own biases and preconceived ideas and they will decide for themselves what kind of person you are.
Next time you're having a conversation think about HOW you're speaking as well as what you're saying, what's your body language, your facial expression - try to see yourself from their point of view. And possibly even apologise and let them know you're not a horrible person, you just need some time and consideration from them to adjust. They have some responsibility in this as well.
I've been there ja1. I'm a sarcastic northeasterner who has at times struggled to be accepted by softer, slower, country and southern types who are easily offended.
When I care to I've softened my speech around them, dialed down the energy, and just adapted to their flow. But that kinda sucks because you become a facade of a person, hiding your true self.
Anyway, the main question I'd want to ask you (just checking), is if your accused d-baggery is linked to any truly selfish or hurtful behavior. If you can answer 'no' , then it IS them. And you'll probably want to dial it down like me; you can be your full self after work.
So as it turns out, a large majority of my co-workers think I'm a rude douchebag. They equate my "douchieness" to the fact that I'm from NY, which I don't really understand but apparently to people from Atlanta, all Northeasterners are the worst people on the planet.
I don't know if I just fail at adjusting to life down here or if I really am a d-bag and I just don't know it.
For example, I was helping a person from a different department today on a project we both are involved in. He was talking about the budget and I told him that some of it had to be used for this very vital, almost non-questionable piece of the campaign. He said they couldn't work it in and that blew my mind so I asked him what the budget was being used for and he took offense to it.
I later asked another co-worker why he got mad and he said that it's probably how I phrased the question or the tone of which I said it. I know I can be blunt but isn't my question kind of understandable and reasonable?
There have been so many instances of people saying I'm rude or inconsiderate and I just don't get it. 90% of it happens at work (probably since 90% of my life is work).
Anyone else have this problem or any related input?
I'm also from NY and have now been in VA for over 20 years. I'm still considered rude. And loud. I've done my best to tone it down, but I don't think I will ever completely adjust to the expectations here. All my closest friends are also from NY and are even louder than I am. The southern idea of polite, which here is combined with a high level of diplomacy that I think comes from the influence of govt and politics, means that in this area stating your opinion bluntly on just about anything comes across as rude. Polite is not openly disagreeing with anyone, never responding to anything with emotion, never questioning anyone, basically holding it all in and doing a great job of hiding all negative emotion or signs of disagreement. It doesn't mean they won't get you when you're not looking, however - people are not actually more agreeable here; they just pretend to be.
Of course, you might really be a d-bag, I don't know you so I don't know. But the NY mannerisms - loud, direct, emotive - are all pretty much not considered polite or even professional here. I think it scares people. Someone at work once told me that I make people nervous because they're not sure what I'll say - that I might just blurt out some truth that is better left unspoken, or call someone out on something instead of politely ignoring it. So maybe you're a d-bag, and maybe you're just a New Yorker. Hard to say, but down here it's pretty much the same thing. Learn to tone it down if you can and you'll be more successful.
**Just realized that I thought this was in the Northern Virginia forum, but you are in Atlanta. Way worse! Good luck to you.
I'm in MT... a gentleman I work with is from the "East coast". He is rude, demanding, looks down upon women, and always has to be right. God forbid you have a question and not ask him first. We just roll our eyes behind his back and blame it on where he's from, but none of us really get along with him. He eats lunch alone and we generally don't include him in our conversations (although, he will inject himself in any conversation going on near him).
I've never been to the East coast, but it would be interesting to see if most folks are similiar to him in attitude...
Every person from NYC that I have ever met is loud, demanding, and abrupt. They interrupt all the time. They seem to think that anyone who speaks slower/softer than them is mentally slow.
Look at your behavior and tone of voice for clues.
I have a friend who is from NY. I think he is awesome but he says, people constantly get offended by his NY-style. He is just honest, blunt and doesn't give compliments easily. I find this great, because it is REAL and not FAKE.
I get told constantly from other women how great my hair is, my clothes and that I look like a model. Even when I look like crap. I don't want to get sucked into this fakeness and give them tons of FAKE compliments back and therefore, I am an outsider. I prefer REAL compliments and if I give some, I MEAN them.
Every person from NYC that I have ever met is loud, demanding, and abrupt. They interrupt all the time. They seem to think that anyone who speaks slower/softer than them is mentally slow.
Look at your behavior and tone of voice for clues.
I had to deal with a handyman from Brooklyn this past week. He came storming into my home, talked over me, told ME what repairs I needed in my home, even though I had plainly told him on the phone when I made the appointment that I had 4 things I wanted him to "fix." He argued with me! Here I am, the homeowner, the person who will be writing out the checks, and he told me NO, I didn't need items 1-4 done now, I needed 20 other things done, including painting my entire house.
All of this in a loud voice, interrupting me, talking over me, arguing with me, telling me I needed to make a commitment to getting my house "in order."
Then he told me his estimate for the work was $3500 and included only 2 of the items I asked him to estimate . . . the rest of the work were things "he decided" I needed to do.
I had estimated the 4 things I needed him to do would probably be around $275-350, with me buying the materials.
I told him I wasn't interested. He wouldn't leave! He kept badgering me! When I finally got him out of my house, he called me a day later and proceded to harrangue me about what a mistake I was making by not "taking care of my home properly."
His parting comment? "Lady, I don't get it. I made you a deal of a lifetime on the things that need taking care of. You Southerners can't make up your mind."
This from a guy who had been told exactly what tasks I needed taken care of when I talked to him initially on the phone. Now you tell me . . . was the problem I was a wishy-washy Southerner or that he was a rude, brash, in-yer-face, pushy, loudmouth New Yorker who didn't know how to LISTEN?
OP: take a lesson from this story . . . check yourself, take a deep breath, and figure out how to interact with folks with some manners.
So as it turns out, a large majority of my co-workers think I'm a rude douchebag. They equate my "douchieness" to the fact that I'm from NY, which I don't really understand but apparently to people from Atlanta, all Northeasterners are the worst people on the planet.
I don't know if I just fail at adjusting to life down here or if I really am a d-bag and I just don't know it.
For example, I was helping a person from a different department today on a project we both are involved in. He was talking about the budget and I told him that some of it had to be used for this very vital, almost non-questionable piece of the campaign. He said they couldn't work it in and that blew my mind so I asked him what the budget was being used for and he took offense to it.
I later asked another co-worker why he got mad and he said that it's probably how I phrased the question or the tone of which I said it. I know I can be blunt but isn't my question kind of understandable and reasonable?
There have been so many instances of people saying I'm rude or inconsiderate and I just don't get it. 90% of it happens at work (probably since 90% of my life is work).
Anyone else have this problem or any related input?
Yep a coworker asked why does the owner always listen to Raena? A manager said she uses a calm friendly voice with logic.
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