frustrated with my parents (father, siblings, person, member)

[livesmar]

Hello,
This is going to be a long rant, but I've reached a point where I'm really frustrated with my life and I feel like my insides are going to explode. I don't expect you to give me a solution. I just want to let go of the thought I have.

I'm 23 years old, born in an immigrant family and moved to the USA with them a couple years ago.
My parents made very, very, very bad choices in their lives that as a result, I've to start resenting them for these choices.

We lived in a war zone since before I was even born, however, this didn't discourage my mother to have 2 chidden (one now is 7 and the other is a teenager). Because of these kids, and my mother's picky personality, we suffer paying a huge amount of rent just so they could get an adequate education. my parents are in their fifties, and soon enough these kids are going to college, we are not a good financial state and I care too deeply for my siblings that at 23, I'm carrying the burden of collecting and planning for a way to pay for their college and their living once they grow up.

My father, is going through a mid-life crises, he wants to quit his job (the only course of income) and start a small business. One time he wants to open a restaurant, the other he want a salon, once he wants to build houses, you name it. My mom and I have had endless arguments with him, if it wasn't for our resistance, he would throw the little money he has and open what ever the hell he wants. Keep in mind he doesn't know how life goes on in the states (taxes, regulations, EVERYTHING a small business needs to succeed) and he somehow thinks this is the 50's where the american dream is still alive and going. I know for a fact that if goes on with this plan in his mind, we will lose our money and we will end up in the streets.

My mother is very dependent on me, to the point of having me go the local walmart with her to shop for food. I go to my little siblings teacher conference with her, I go do the taxes with her, I go pick her class schedule with her when she has a meeting with the advisor (she is studying for a certificate), I send emailed on her behalf. I'm basically taking the role of her mother.

In addition, they want to buy a house, sometimes a land, with the little money they have. Again, I'm the one who searches for the properties, I make the offers, I talk with the realtor, I do everything.

I have reached a point where I feel I'm an 83 year old woman in a 23 year old body. I'm tired and exhausted. I hate the concept of marriage, I hate men, I hate children, and if I was in a position of authority, I would make a law that requires people to have all the money and resources that it takes to raise a child before being allowed to have one.
I resent my parents a lot. I don't know what they were thinking, and certainly I don't how they are thinking right now. I yell, I fight, I tell them how I feel quietly, and yet they don't understand. Its like fighting a losing battle.

I can't leave, simply because this is not an option for me and I have to be able to provide a better living for my two siblings, but I sleep every night knowing my parents will be the reason we become homeless and I feel so trapped. I tried (and literally begged) them to just wait, until I finish my degree so we have another source of income before they do all the projects in their minds but still they refuse to listen.

It a really dark time for me, and I wish the earth would open up and swallow me just so I don't deal with this anymore. I'm very depressed.

[Mattie]

It sounds as though you're being pretty rough on your parents. They managed to get you and your siblings out of a war zone, your father found employment, and your mother is studying so she can also get a job? I'm impressed.

Who is paying for your education? It's wonderful when parents have the means to do so, but there is nothing wrong with your siblings paying their own way when the time comes, and the same holds true for you. You sound tired, and I'm sure going to college and helping out at home is wearing you down. But, it's temporary. You can't take responsibility for your parents decisions, and it sounds as though they've figured out plenty already.

Finish school, make a life for yourself, and don't worry so much about what the future holds. I have an inkling you'll all be ok.

[dblackga]

If I were you, I'd strongly considering talking to a counselor or a therapist about your feelings of being overwhelmed and responsible for your parents' and siblings' lives. I'm sure you get a lot of positive feedback from being "such a good daughter", but somewhere along the line, you never learned to draw the personal boundaries that most young adults end up learning to establish.

1. Your parents got this far. Which is a bloody miracle.
2. You are not responsible for your dad's decisions. He's a man. If he wants to start a business, why not make sure he gets the help he needs to be successful at it? Introduce him to SCORE, or some other organization in your town with volunteers that help people who want to run their own business learn how to do it. It doesn't have to be YOU.
3. Tme for your mother to learn how to stretch her wings a bit. How is her English? Can she manage at a store on her own, or is she afraid of being caught in situations that she can't understand? Would she benefit from English classes? If she is more confident in understanding and making herself understood, she may find that she doesn't need you as much as she thinks -- or as much as YOU think. Encourage her to do things on her own, instead of constantly reinforcing the "learned helplessness."
4. Your siblings will figure out school, just like every other college kid in the country. They may go to community college, or have to work their way through -- but they'll figure it out. Stop worrying about them.
5. You worry about providng a better living for your siblings -- but they already HAVE a better life, they aren't living in a war zone. This is EASY compared to wondering if a bomb is going to drop on you while you sleep.
6. Finish your degree. Find employment that satisfies you. Help where you can, but your siblings are not your ultimate responsibility. You can be a wonderful refuge and resource for them as they are growing up, but you are NOT their parent.

PS: If everyone waited until life was perfect to have children, there would be very few children in the world. Do you think your parent's life was perfect when they had YOU? Things happen that are beyond your control -- a father might die in a car accident, a mother may die young of cancer, you may find yourself in a war zone . . . and life is no longer "perfect".

Again, I strongly urge you to talk to a counselor or therapst at school about your feelings. You need more professional help in working through your feelings than we can give you here at C-D. You're resentful and angry -- I'm not saying it's not justified, because I suspect a lot of it is brought on by trying to live up to unreasonable expectations. Good luck.

[Zeurich]

Nothing is certain in this eternal life. Be happy that your parents did not dump you at war zone. Most people do. Be thank full for that, your parents did what they can and they will do the best for their kids be thank full for that.

[mainebrokerman]

for someone so young, yes, you do have burdens, but you also need some balance, some way , some how you need to find time for what makes you happy- you are young,,
you need some fun, or enjoyment ,,or the world is a heavy, dark , place.

you need to come into yourself as a young lady , be yourself, and not be whatever the world wants you to be....

you also need to let this deep resentment go......it will be an anchor in life for you...
you need friends your age...and time for yourself.....then things wont look so dark.


you will have doors open for you,,,your parents never had or will have ..... always remember this,,,part of why your dad wants his own business, even if it doesn't make sense, is because he is frustrated and cant change things for the better where he is now..
he has pride - im sure he is very proud of you,,,but he may also see in you , all the opportunities he will never have.... and he gets frustrated,,not at you but himself

teach your mother how to be more independent....

don't ever feel alone in your struggles

my parents told me,,,,don't expect any help for college,,,so I didn't go...and it wasn't because they were poor.
when I was your age , I had 3 jobs just to get by, one was in a slaughterhouse, one was washing dishes in a restaurant...
we all have our burdens ...count your blessings everyday too

[wac_432]

Don't cosign anything, and don't let their issues get in the way of your education or job. Their economic ability is all but played out, while yours is just ramping up. Every time your mom makes you spend an hour shopping for her because she's too afraid to go out alone in her adopted country, she's costing the family future funds because she's lowering your GPA and making you less desirable to employers.

Tell them to suck it up, plan to go it alone for a few years, get yourself stable, then deal with whatever disaster they've made.

[HighFlyingBird]

I read the resentment is coming from how much they are depending on you, not so much their decisions (although you feel like you have to pay for their decisions). You are at the place in your life where you should be having your own life...not caring for an entire family. That would make me resentful too. The bottom line is you don't *have* to do anything your parents are having you do, or you are feeling like you must do. It is your parents job to educate your siblings. Its your father's and mother's job to support them. You are 23...your job is to start building your own life.

My suggestion to you is to get in some counseling to help you start planning your own life, recover from the stress of your upbringing, setting boundaries and letting go of things that aren't your responsibility.

[stan4]

All the stuff you talk about is none of your business or responsibility.

Move out and get on with your life.

[Kibbiekat]

I know a lot of responsibility is often put on immigrant children to translate, fill out forms, etc. If your mom can't pick her classes or buy her own food, how is she going to apply for and keep a job? It might do her more good if you step back and let her fend for herself. Teach her how to do these things instead of doing them for her.

Your siblings aren't your responsibility. Finish school, move out.

I don't know what very very bad choices your parents made. They got you out of a war zone. You are in college. Your mom is in college. Your life is much better than it would have been if you'd stayed where you were. Give them some credit.

[TSopp77]

go out and date.