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I guess it's as much about quality of life after mother in law moves in. As I said MIL is very demanding and manipulative. She doesn't want to sign up for a decade or two of drama under her roof. Korean culture is complicated.
I imagine Korean culture is complicated - to Americans. I seem to remember reading somewhere that in many oriental cultures it is the duty of the eldest son to care for the parents. Are both the husband and wife Korean? Were they raised in the US or in Korea? How about the Mom? Is she fluent in English? Did her husband take her everywhere when he was still alive or did the Mother buzz around on her own? Was she a housewife her entire life? Does she have friends in her own community?
Without knowing any of those things, I don't feel that I can offer much in the way of advice.
If her husband is going a cultural route by caring for his parent well in a sense that's the man she chose. That's something that should have been brought out as a possibility in the beginning. Yea I know nothing is perfect but I hate to see any marriage break up. At the very least the husband should talk to momma and let her know what's up.. I can't believe momma would want to break up a marriage.. She just may not understand how stressful she is making things.. Then again who knows there are people who are just mean..My vote is to break it down to momma and go from there.
I guess it's as much about quality of life after mother in law moves in. As I said MIL is very demanding and manipulative. She doesn't want to sign up for a decade or two of drama under her roof. Korean culture is complicated.
Ah so it's a Korean family. Now it all makes sense. Reminds me of what happened with my aunt. Her husband was the oldest son in his family and felt it was his duty to take care of his elderly mother after his father died, even though he had several siblings who could potentially have helped out. It pretty much destroyed their marriage and was the primary cause of their eventual divorce. They tried reconciling after his mother passed away but too many bridges had been burned to salvage the relationship.
I wouldn't deal with that kind of drama and put the kids through that, it isn't right. Can he move out so she and the kids can stay in the house and have less diruption?
He is ready to move in with his mother and let them have the house but her point is that if she has to sleep alone than its not much of a marriage and she can buy her own damn house.She is leaning towards letting him keep the house and the kids and bring mom in. She'll take the divorce and move in the neighborhood for two years so children have both parents.
Most disturbing thing is that MIL and siblings are fine by divorce and using her husband as sacrificial goat. They say its her choice, she can stay if she wants to. Mom refuses to live by herself or to go live with strangers in senior living. Siblings encourage mom and use guilt trap on him for putting wife first though all of them are putting themselves first. It's a totally dysfunctional family and husband is an enabler and under a lot of pressure.
He is ready to move in with his mother and let them have the house but her point is that if she has to sleep alone than its not much of a marriage and she can buy her own damn house.She is leaning towards letting him keep the house and the kids and bring mom in. She'll take the divorce and move in the neighborhood for two years so children have both parents.
So in a separation situation, neither parent is fighting to keep the teenagers. They both prefer to be visitors in their children's lives. Wow. The children won't ever forget that.
I find that the most disturbing aspect of the entire situation. The fact that siblings don't want their difficult mother to live with them pales in comparison.
Boys are the reason she isn't taking European assignment and not moving in with her parents in another state. Her ego is hurting and she doesn't want his house, that's why looking for a house in same subdivision so children have access to both parents all the time. He understands her situation and feels guilty about sacrificing their relationship so want her to keep the house and the boys, his mom's house is in another school district so kids can't move there. Still, he feels that she should make the sacrifice and let his mom move in but they both know that it wouldn't work out.
Any sane and loving mother wouldn't want to put her child in this situation, specially one who has made sacrifices all his adult life to do the best for his parents.
The MIL sounds like a selfish wench. Just because she doesn't want to live alone anymore is no reason to uproot her son's marriage. On the other hand, if the man doesn't care enough about his own marraige to say no to his mother, that is on him. Just because he is Korean has nothing to do with it; his own siblings are not stepping up to the plate.
I would tell him to go live with her, and you stay home with the kids. Sleeping alone ain't that bad. You get to watch whatever you want on TV.
I know. My mom and MIL would gladly die alone and penny less to save marriages and happiness of any of us siblings though none of us ever had to make any sacrifices for them. This MIL is a selfish women, to her advantage her son keep falling for her tears and guilt traps. This is not the first time she is doing it, when her husband retired then they did move in but after all the drama son bought them a separate house. Surprising thing is that later she transfered that house under her youngest daughter's name when daughter moved in with them after divorce. Of course that didn't work out and daughter moved out in two months. Now, daughter owns the house and encourages her mom to move in with the brother so she can sell the property.
Its almost like a fictional story but I know all of them and still can't wrap my head around it. Why would a family take advantage of a weak and loving person instead of making sure that they don't creat any problems for him. What a rotten culture that eldest son is responsible for whole clan. Of course my friend can be the bigger person and support her husband but for how long? Its been 22 years, she just can't take it any more and being care giver of such a toxic person for another decade or two must be a very scary future to look up to.
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Exactly
