Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Our good friend/neighbor wants to leave her husband because he wants his mother to move in. His father passed away recently and now mother doesn't want to live by herself. None of the siblings want to put up with her toxicity. My neighbors have tried it few times earlier but it went horribly wrong every time. Her husband is the only one who always supported his parents financially, even paid for younger siblings education yet always had to put up with their crap. My friend just doesn't want to be a part of that family's drama any more. Her husband practically spends all his free time at moms to take care of her needs and whims. He says that he'll take care of everything but my neighbor knows how things work. She has her own aging parents and would rather be their caregiver if she must then to sacrifice her life for a toxic person who is a constant source of grief in her life.
Her shrink's advice was to keep it civil and leave now rather then go through the drama again if she doent want to stay. MIL is a master manipulator and son is too emotional as father passed away while he was overseas on a project and had to hire nursing staff instead of taking care of dad personally. He wouldn't leave mom by herself though she is perfectly healthy. Other siblings even the single one take advantage of their brother's weakness for his parents and don't give a **** if he gets divorce. Mother in law i is fine with this separation. Husband really wants to keep this marriage but can't push mum in senior living against her will.
Only issue is that their teen children are due to finish school in two years. Is it better to wait for them to move away for college? She has a European assignment on table and may not get that again. Its a sad situation but at 48, is it wise to out her life on hold for two years and put kids through all the dysfunctional drama? I wouldn't but she is confused.
Oh hell no. NOT WISE. If her husband can't find a separate place for her to live where it would be convenient for HIM, then she needs to be ready to take her stand and leave. Not necessarily to Europe, but the marriage. The kids would hate it, too.
This is a decision you two need to talk about and make together. Leaving a spouse over this (although it's a difficult situation) sounds amazingly extreme.
I would warn that threatning to leave or whatever is probably not the right action. That'll just put your husband into an even worse situation and if you love him, that's not what you want. I'm sure he is already aware that it's not good and doesn't know what to do - he wants to please everyone. I'm sorry but I don't think you are helping matters. You sound frustrated and angry. You know he's vulnerable and emotional and that family is important to him. Try to respect that and help him rahter than be an additional burden.
I'm sure there must be a solution that'll work, although don't expect it to be easy or that there is a solution that satisfies you. You need to approach this with care and love towards your spouse. Act like a family and come to an acceptable resolution that is respectful of you, him, and your MIL.
I would've left long time ago. Our friend is a more accommodating person. She has tried accommodating her in laws all her married life but I'm an eye witness that her husband is a weak person and gets manipulated by emotional blackmailing. It's not a healthy situation, both spouses know that things would only get worse once she moved in but husband can't say no to a "grieving widow". Other siblings have clearly said that they can't handle the drama.
Even her shrink who probably knows more than any of us, agrees that its time for her to stand up and put herself first. She shouldn't have to dedicate her life to a person who's never been sincere to her marriage. Her husband is a mommy's boy and that's fine. She needs a man.
Last edited by Sushi cake; 07-25-2013 at 01:39 PM..
I would leave. No one will be happy in that situation, not even the kids. And I bet the kids won't even appreciate her sacrifice (being in a toxic situation just makes everyone get mad at each other). She can ask the kids if they want to move with her and go to another school (if they don't prefer to stay in their new situation)
I am confused. The OP is Bigger G but it sounds like you came back and posted as Sushi cake or do you two know each other?
Anyway, if she can leave with the boys then I'd say go. If they would have to remain behind in what seems likely to be a deteriorating and detrimental situation without her, I'd say she should stay until high school is done.
I can understand why the mother doesn't want to live alone. At the age of about 70(?) she finds herself alone, perhaps for the first time in her entire life. The loss of her husband is recent and she's having trouble adjusting. Perhaps she even finds it a little scary being alone in the silence of the night.
If the wife doesn't want the mother to move in, I don't understand why she has to move out. It's her house too. Let the husband go live with his mother. That way too, the children are less likely to blame the wife for the family breakup.
A better compromise for now might be for the husband to spend weekdays with his mother and weekends with his wife and children. This way the mother is forced to develop some social life of her own (join a seniors group or widows group in the community?) if she wants company while her son is at work and she has the security of having him around most nights. Just interacting with other singles in her age group might give her some alternate ideas about where to live and how to overcome feelings of loneliness.
Last edited by cdnirene; 07-25-2013 at 02:25 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
