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I allowed my ex to move in with me, over a year ago. I did not want to, but I couldn't let him end up on the streets. The hope was that he'd get back on his feet, find a job and move into his own place. I think he is suffering from depression, or has just chosen to be Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men, not sure which. I have given him written notice, and I have told him two more times that I do not wish to have him live there anymore. He used to say, just tell me and I will leave. Guess that went out the window. I am moving soon, and I have told him I am moving, and he cannot come along. Yet all he does all day is sit on his ass and not make any moves toward progressing.
I fear the day of moving will come and he might lose his mind at the thought of being on the streets. I fear he might say or do something that will compel me to take him with me. I feel he is passively aggressively just refusing to leave and I don't know what to do. People have advised to proceed with eviction notice route but now that I'm moving I don't see that as being necessary.
What I am really curious about is what is going through his mind right now? Why is he not taking action? What will he do on the day of move out? I know it's not supposed to be my concern, but it is. I keep thinking he might do something drastic if he is forced out, which honestly, that's up to him. That no longer holds me back from wanting him gone and he cannot use that to earn my sympathy.
Has anyone or anyone you know been in a similar predicament and what would you be doing right now if you were him?
The only way that I'd ever ask an ex to move in would be so that we could split bills. I have no real advice for you since it looks like you are footing all of the bills.
Could you give him until the end of the year to get it together or face being homeless?
And really, why do you care? Are you still in love with him?
Good question. We don't talk much these days.
No, not in love. Just have a compassionate heart, I guess.
And the weather is getting colder...
I guess I need to get over the whole oh no what will he do and keep remembering, I gave him several months notice and it was his choice not to take action and sadly, he must suffer the consequences. What bothers me, however, is that what if he's not taking action because he is crippled by depression? Should I try to get him help for that?
The only way that I'd ever ask an ex to move in would be so that we could split bills. I have no real advice for you since it looks like you are footing all of the bills.
Could you give him until the end of the year to get it together or face being homeless?
I could give him til the end of November, as that is when my lease is up and I plan to be moved out.
It sounds like he knows you have a compassionate heart and is counting on that to sponge off of you. I doubt if he will ever take steps to get out on his own as long as you fret over his future.
If I were you, I would bring him information on the local homeless shelters, temp and employment agencies and notify any know friends and relatives that, as far as you know, he will have nowhere to go as of November 1st. Maybe one of them will step up and he will no longer be your problem.
And NO MATTER HOW YOU ACTUALLY FEEL I would act cold and hard toward him. Make him see the reality of the situation. How can you ever get on with your own life if your ex is living with you? What if you met the man of your dreams right now? This guy would ruin that. NOBODY would believe that it is your "Ex" living with you and nobody would want to deal with that weird situation.
Can you give us more background? Has he always been this way? Does he have any marketable skills?
It sounds like he knows you have a compassionate heart and is counting on that to sponge off of you. I doubt if he will ever take steps to get out on his own as long as you fret over his future.
If I were you, I would bring him information on the local homeless shelters, temp and employment agencies and notify any know friends and relatives that, as far as you know, he will have nowhere to go as of November 1st. Maybe one of them will step up and he will no longer be your problem.
And NO MATTER HOW YOU ACTUALLY FEEL I would act cold and hard toward him. Make him see the reality of the situation. How can you ever get on with your own life if your ex is living with you? What if you met the man of your dreams right now? This guy would ruin that. NOBODY would believe that it is your "Ex" living with you and nobody would want to deal with that weird situation.
Can you give us more background? Has he always been this way? Does he have any marketable skills?
I have given him a sheet with information (a long time ago) on resources for people who have no job, home. He claims to have applied for jobs, and I have recommended a specific temp agency. He is familiar with them, and could easily go on my computer and research them. I have helped him with his resume. I have e-mailed his resume for him! He has no relatives in the area, nor any that want him. They have watched as he has asked his dad for financial help in the past and then squandered the money away. Sadly, he was not always like this. He used to be a responsible, job-holding father for 20+ years. I guess me leaving him and then his job laying him off in 2011 really shredded any self-confidence he had.
I feel I have been trying to be cold and hard toward him for a while.
He is almost 49 years old, but does have marketable skills. He worked on machinery. He is great with fixing things around the house, can take a car, washing machine, etc. apart and put it back together. I feel that if he had tried harder, he could have gotten something by now. I also gave him an opportunity to make money working on a friend's car. He said, "I dont' know how to work on American cars."
It's become pretty apparent, he's at the bottom of his barrel and is just clinging to life as best he can. People have said maybe he needs to hit rock bottom and be sleeping on the streets before he figures out he has got to do something for himself.
What bothers me, however, is that what if he's not taking action because he is crippled by depression? Should I try to get him help for that?
You may think that you simply have a compassionate heart, but unfortunately you're coming off like a huge sucker and your ex is gladly taking advantage of that. You've allowed this situation to happen and you're still putting it on yourself to "fix" it. Where is his accountability? Why have you allowed him to not hold his end of the deal?
It is not your responsibility to get him help. You can express your concern when you sit down and tell him that he has until whatever (November?) to get back on his feet, but don't make it your cause. He can/will have take care of himself... or he can find someone else to much off of.
On a practical note, you need to make sure he and his stuff is out when your lease is up and you move. To leave him there (and my guess is that he will still be sitting there) and leave it up to your landlord to evict will adversely affect YOUR credit, as you are the leaseholder, not your ex.
Yes, I have let my ex stay "temporarily" and had to finally bounce him out.
Compassion is taking someone in for a few months. But now you are being used because of your past relationship and there is no way this will end on a positive note.
You need to pack his things, take him to a shelter, and tell him goodbye. Be sure to let your landlord know that he is no longer welcome and maybe ask to get the locks changed. The first time he shows up (and he will), don't open the door, just call the police. If his state of mind is poor there is no way to predict if he'll turn violent and being kicked out.
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People have said maybe he needs to hit rock bottom and be sleeping on the streets before he figures out he has got to do something for himself.
