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I recently had an interaction with someone that left me both perplexed and frustrated. She is the type who is always "on", presenting an impenetrable façade to the world, like she has it all together and needs no one. When you interact with her, you feel like you've engaged in a game of "keeping up appearances". You don't feel like you can really be yourself with her, or that it's safe to be open.
However, when other people respond to her aloofness by detaching from her or walling up, she gets offended and insulted, and she blames them for their reaction. This is what happened between her and I. She offered up zero vulnerability or means to connect with her, to get to know the real her - but then when she all of a sudden approached me in a slightly more open manner and wanted to connect, she got insulted when I was guarded towards her.
I understand that for some people, it's very difficult to be vulnerable. But it's unfair for those people to expect other people to be vulnerable with them, when they haven't been vulnerable in the first place to earn it. Trust requires mutual authenticity.
I understand that for some people, it's very difficult to be vulnerable. But it's unfair for those people to expect other people to be vulnerable with them, when they haven't been vulnerable in the first place to earn it. Trust requires mutual authenticity.
It doesn't seem like this woman is any sort of friend to you, so it's particularly odd that she would even be trying to make herself so astute to your vulnerabilities. If she interacts with you enough, she may very well begin to see them, much in the same way that you've begun to see hers.
Now does she smell like narcissist, or is something more benign? I have a strong sense that I've known this type of person, but can't find the appropriate terminology. What say you?
Now does she smell like narcissist, or is something more benign? I have a strong sense that I've known this type of person, but can't find the appropriate terminology. What say you?
She may be narcissistic, or even borderline. There definitely seems to be expectations on her part that she does not communicate to others, yet gets upset when others don't meet those expectations. That's a very narcissistic and childlike way to view the world, expecting to get when you don't actually give - then dumping the fault on the other person by playing the blame game.
xsthomas, that's what I'm thinking too. I feel like I'm getting drawn into something that I'm not being prepped for. Any kind of relationship - friendship, romantic, etc - is all about communication. It's about being direct. I don't experience directness with her - just her hiding behind a façade then getting mad that other people won't challenge that façade. That actually sounds more borderline to me, like a child testing how much her parents really love her.
Really, diagnosing personality disorders in an online forum! Is anyone here a mental health professional?
Whatever the interaction was between the OP and the reserved person, it was unsatisfactory. From the sound of the post, I think the OP had projected his/her own feelings onto the person. Who really knows why she was reserved, or seemed perfect. You can't be friends with everyone. Everyone will not be friends with you.
Please either just let this go, or try to become friends. Even if you try to be friends, and it fails, at least you have tried. And then you can let it go. Unless you actually do connect. Stranger things have happened.
I recently had an interaction with someone that left me both perplexed and frustrated. She is the type who is always "on", presenting an impenetrable façade to the world, like she has it all together and needs no one. When you interact with her, you feel like you've engaged in a game of "keeping up appearances". You don't feel like you can really be yourself with her, or that it's safe to be open.
However, when other people respond to her aloofness by detaching from her or walling up, she gets offended and insulted, and she blames them for their reaction. This is what happened between her and I. She offered up zero vulnerability or means to connect with her, to get to know the real her - but then when she all of a sudden approached me in a slightly more open manner and wanted to connect, she got insulted when I was guarded towards her.
I understand that for some people, it's very difficult to be vulnerable. But it's unfair for those people to expect other people to be vulnerable with them, when they haven't been vulnerable in the first place to earn it. Trust requires mutual authenticity.
Something kind of like this happened to me. I spent a week visiting a friend I hadn't seen in years. During that time, I desperately tried to connect with her, find time to have a good talk and catch up on news and everything. She was really busy, but we got a couple of chats here and there, squeezed in. Then out of nowhere she accused me of being guarded and having a shield up! I was floored. All I can say is that people project their own stuff onto others. You can learn a lot about them by the comments they make about others.
Something kind of like this happened to me. I spent a week visiting a friend I hadn't seen in years. During that time, I desperately tried to connect with her, find time to have a good talk and catch up on news and everything. She was really busy, but we got a couple of chats here and there, squeezed in. Then out of nowhere she accused me of being guarded and having a shield up! I was floored. All I can say is that people project their own stuff onto others. You can learn a lot about them by the comments they make about others.
She probably wanted your attention and didn't feel you were giving her enough of it. It's easier for people to blame than to admit vulnerability.
And maybe that's what's going on with my person. I think she's quite sensitive under her tough exterior, but I wish she would just be open with me rather than playing games. Easier said than done I guess.
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