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This is going to be a tough one for me. I have a real good friend I car a lot about. First off, he is on coke. He doesn't hide it, we have been friends for a couple of years and I think he's been on it as long as when we first started hanging out. The guy is a brilliant lawyer and genuinely has a good heart. When I rebooted my life he was one of my first friends who welcomed me with open arms.
Fast forward...He's neglected his business. He spent a sh*t load of money on drugs and booze. He's destroyed his bathroom trying to fix his own leak and he's on the verge of being evicted. I have been hanging out with him a lot talking to him, pleading with him to go see a doctor. Go talk to a professional. I won't sit here and tell him he needs to get to AA or NA because I know his personality and that will just **** him off. He seemed open to seeing a professional therapist a couple of weeks ago. Last week I mentioned a depression support group that we could go to (I deal with depression, it would be good for me too) and tonight he just said he's not going and that's not the problem...yeah, the same day he pawned his 4500 dollar watch...I know. Denial. Took him out for drinks and dinner a couple of times (Please don't give me the enabling crap..I wanted to talk to him and this was a forum where he actually listens to me.) He owes me 200 bucks..which I'm not particularly worried about as I really don't need the $..but I'm not giving him another dime towards anything.
Regardless, it's stopping now. I'm not enabling him anymore. I'm not going drinking with him anymore. Even if he has his own $, just not doing it. I'm not going to play a part in his destruction.
I know what is going to come...the emotional blackmail. I'm much more assertive and strong willed than I used to be, but maybe some tips on how to handle him saying "What's wrong with you..." or "Your not a friend" or any insults he will most likely throw my way. I have a pretty thick skin and do not take many things personally. I genuinely want to help him but I'm not going to compromise my integrity or my comfort level. Me and him frequent the neighborhood pub often and I'm sure to run into him. Lately He can be very vocal and insulting when he doesn't get his way, the staff there knows me well I'm not worried about that part but I'd welcome any tips on dealing with him if he makes a scene in the place when I make my stand.
Has anyone else gone through something similar? I just know the worst is coming, I know I need to (and will be strong) but advice from folks won't hurt either...thanks for listening. - B
As hard as it is you're doing the right thing and, yes, you can expect insults alternating with the "woe is me, help me, I don't want to be like this" pleas which can be hard to resist but must be. Listen only to the extent that you're emotionally able and otherwise quietly walk away or hang up the 'phone with a quick, "Oops have to go" excuse.
As far as the neighborhood pub is concerned, have a chat with the people you know there who regularly serve you and let them know that if there are times when you simply walk out (i.e. if he starts to make a scene) you'll be back to pay your tab.
Obviously he hasn't yet reached rock bottom and it's more than likely that he'll lose both his home and his job (likely be disbarred too). Not a darn thing you can do about it. I'm so sorry for your situation. I've been in a similar one myself.
congrats! You are becoming a real person and a true friend. The pain you have and will go thru is unavoidable. But you are doing the right thing.
I do suggest that, since he is spiraling downward, you don't provide him shelter if he becomes homeless. Educate yourself on local services for future use. Maybe checkout a few library books about ALANON, or look into online Alanon support groups so you know what families of substance addictive people are trained to do. Online Al-Anon Meetings - Al-Anon Chat Meetings Registered With WSO
OP, sorry to hear about this. I'm sure that it's very upsetting. You have the right idea in not going drinking with him or giving him money. You say that he is one of your best friends, well I'm afraid that my advice is to cut him out of your life. He is destroying himself, and since he refuses to make an effort to change his behavior he will drag down those who are close to him. Active addicts are simply not capable of being satisfactory friends.
I would suggest that you have a talk with him. Actually, writing a letter would probably be much better: he will read it, whereas in a discussion he may get angry and leave. Writing a letter lets you express your thoughts clearly and without interruption or an attempt on your friend's part to change the subject. I would let him know that you care about him and your friendship, but that it is unacceptable for you to see him throwing his life away. I would suggest counseling and/or rehab. I'd make it clear that I will not stay in a friendship where I see my friend self-destructing. It is unfortunate to have to give a friend an ultimatum like that, but it is harmful for you to be involved with a person who is spiraling into addiction without attempting to get help.
He IS going to get angry, any steps you take. Cutting yourself off from the rationalizations and manipulations of your friend needs to be done, and I'd say sooner rather than later. Let him know that when he has a significant amount of "clean time" under his belt, that you will be there for him, but not before. Best of luck to you.
I hear the popular song "Sorry, I'm giving up on you...." and I get emotional even now, 33 years after turning and leaving behind someone I loved dearly in the same situation. Today he still has short phases of sobriety and lots of health issues. Our friendship is long over but I get updates from so many people he has had to lean on and get help from over the years. I know all about the broken relationships, lost jobs, trips to rehab, car accidents, DUI jail sentences. I saved myself lots of pain by not helping him anymore, but not all. And that song still reminds me and hurts my heart.
Many state bar associations offer confidential (and often free) assistance to attorneys with alcohol and/or substance abuse problems. I think if I were dealing with someone like your friend, I'd look up the contact info for the state's lawyer assistance program and send it to them by text or email and tell them to call. They might not in that moment but perhaps, in a moment of clarity or despair, they might want to and they'd know right where to get the contact information.
It's kind of sad but it can be like death, but slower, more and more you will lose your friend as he loses himself. It's almost like someone else moves in, takes over and possesses that person. There isn't much you can do. He's educated, he knows about NA and therapy.
BornOver, I had a very close friend about 15 years ago who was brilliant, kind, a law student, and just the nicest most fun person.
When she was sober. Unfortunately, she had a lengthy drug and alcohol use history and started using heavily again during the few years I knew her. Alcohol and prescription drugs. Myself and other friends did everything supportive we could think of, and also staged (along with her mom and ex-husband) an intervention, which Did Not Go Well. To say the least. But she had many people in her life that cared for her and offered help, for a long time.
However, the severely embarrassing, often public and rage-filled incidents finally got to be too much and I walked away - I offered to be supportive when she was ready but I was no longer going to be around to clean up her messes, hang out with her on her terms or entertain her addictions in any way. It really hurt. But she had to make the choice between her drug of choice and her relationships. Sadly, she flunked law school at the end and I don't know what happened to her.
Al Anon has a saying along the lines of "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it." That's it in a nutshell. You can be supportive (up to a point) but sometimes you just have to cut the ties and let the person either take ownership of their ****, or sink. It's up to your friend - he has the power to let himself sink or swim, you do not have that power no matter how much you care. Offer support when he's ready but be ready to step. slowly. away. from the crazy.
Well at the same time I'm not going to interrupt my lifestyle, had one person tell me to stay away from the pub but I didn't cause this problem and I have several friends there. Again if he causes a scene the staff and patrons know me well enough to know I'm not the problem.
As Mr Pink said.... "I didn't create this problem I'm dealing with it."
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