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I say that my mother is not respecting my wishes/boundaries. She says I'm "anal and controlling".
Who's right/who's wrong here?
I planned, here at my house, a first bday party for my only grandchild. From the start, this was to be a small-ish gathering of only g'parents and great grandparents (we all live locally). In all, it would've been a gathering of approximately 10 people, in all.
It had been my intention to keep this small, in order to accommodate the size of my place, and the fact that this would be a burger cook out, w/the trimmings, thus the expense involved.
We were also having to, in order to host this event, re-do our b'yard inground pool, and re-sod our yard, which had been in disrepair for quite some time, so expense, was very much a factor in all of this that was to transpire.
My mother, .. several weeks back, was told of this event, (she is a great g'ma in this equation). She was also told that it should be kept kinda hush hush because I only wanted it to be a small event inclusive of g'parents and the parents.
She in the waning weeks approaching this event, made a swing thru the state, and visited with several people she knows through the state, one of which is one of my brothers (I have two brothers). She mentioned it to the one brother, and the next thing I knew, I had a text from that brother, to the tune of "Hey I hear you guys are having a get together for _____'s bday, we'd love to be a part of it, what is the date, .. we've already bought her a present, excited to see you guys".
SIGH
How do you tell your brother, "Hey that's sweet of you guys, but you aren't welcome, wish mom hadn't stepped outta line in inviting you guys, that wasn't her's to do".
I didn't, do the above. I included them, .. but begrudgingly, not because I have a poor relationship with either of my two brothers, but simply because I wanted to keep this small. This meant that now my brother and his g'friend would be traveling to the event, (2 more people), and it also meant that I would now have to call and extend an invite to my dad (who I had not originally intended to be a part of this). My dad and his wife, talk to my brother and his g'friend frequently, and I didn't want it said after the fact, that they were excluded, and not invited. Thus, this foible on my mother's part, having told my brother about the event, now equated to my having to now include 4 add'l people that I had not originally intended.
In the meantime, also as a side show, my sil decided to come to town at the same time, to visit my aged mil, ... which sil does from time to time. Aged mil was already invited, she's a great g'ma .. in town here, and so she was already included. Well now that sil is coming to town at the same time, that's yet one more that I will now need to include.
So now we are up to 5 add'l people that I hadn't originally intended to be a part of what I wanted to keep small.
So now for the crux of the problem. Apparently, the other brother, and his wife, that live further down the state, they are now hurt and upset with me. They feel like they were solely excluded. The party has come and gone, and I've been duly chastised numerous times by my mother, that I have "hurt them, their feelings are hurt at having been excluded".
No, I didn't call and extend an invite to the other brother that lives further down the state, and his wife. I didn't do so not because I have a poor relationship with them, I have a wonderful relationship with them (or did, prior to this whole mess, but my name is now MUDD and worse). I didn't extend an invite to them, because this had been initially planned to just include approximately 10 people and had now grown to 22 people. 4 of that 22 people, were solely at the feet of my mother having invited people to a party that I was hosting, that I was planning, at my house, at my expense. Had she kept her nose out of it, my brother would not have been included, nor would my dad and his wife. So that now equated to 4 add'l people.
My take here is that my mother (history of same) has yet again, disrespected my boundaries for what it is I had asserted as my plans for this event. I told her prior to the event that I wanted to keep it small-ish and to please keep it hush hush (I didn't specifically name my brothers, didn't think I'd need to, I did explain to her initially that I just wanted to keep it small-ish, just g'parents, great g'parents, just local folk, that much I did tell her initially). But she stepped out of line, IMO, in talking to the one brother which then had them throwing their hat in the ring, for attendance, which now begat the fact that I would need to then include my dad and his wife, which had not been my intention.
So, behind all of this now, I have another brother, further down the state, who was not invited, and that was on purpose. I was TRYING to keep this small, ... and entrenched in doing just that, as I watched it grow and grow. From the original 10 people, to 22 people.
For crying out loud, this is a 1 year old's bday party. This isn't the President coming to attend a b'yard bque here. This is for a 1 yo bday party! That's it, that's all it was.
However, now my name is mudd. I did talk to my sil last week, where she imparted that their feelings were hurt at having been excluded. At that time, I did impart to her, that was not my intention in the least, and that I had intended to keep this small, and it grew out of control, and that were it not for mom having stepped out of line, to invite the one brother, he wouldn't of even been coming at all, thus leaving them as the one's feeling "solely excluded".
So am I right here to be just about livid, which is what I am. My mother created a situation by talking to the one brother, after having been warned to please keep this quiet. And now, .. instead of her speaking up after the fact, and smoothing it over, and telling the one brother who is upset with me, that she's the one that created this mess in having stepped out of line, and inviting people to my home, .. instead of her taking that approach, she takes the approach that I am "anal" and "controlling". Which is what she tells me I am in the response that she stepped out of line in the above behavior.
I remember your mom from a thread you posted in the Parenting forum when the baby was only a few months old. Your mom liked to throw guilt trips around about seeing the baby.
I will just tell you that if you're looking for who's right and wrong, you'll lose.
You can't control your mom. Trying to probably will only make her act out MORE against you. Be a gracious hostess and ask the new folks to bring a side dish. Tell your mom to bring 2 side dishes. LOL
Taking the high road is hard but better than holding a grudge.
The party was yesterday, it has come and gone. I have tried to call the one slighted brother who my mom tells me is hurt, by my actions, I've tried to call them once again (I already talked to his wife last week and explained myself and my actions to her this past week), but my mom tells me that my brother is hurt, that I hurt his feelings. I've tried twice today to call (the party was yesterday) ..... they aren't answering when I call (unusual for a Sunday), ... nor are they returning my messages.
Stop trying to call them. I would not believe your mom's hearsay about his feelings being hurt. From what you've written about her before, she could just be manufacturing drama and enjoying from the sidelines.
Let it gooooooooooo ... The baby turned 1. Nobody died.
She was wrong. She doesn't respect your boundaries and she will probably never own what she has done. You can't control what she does. You can only control whether or not you give her the opportunity to do it again.
I try to do the obvious, which is to put myself in my "slighted" brother's place and see if I can feel the same, were the shoe on the other foot. And I honestly can't put myself in that space. They do have, also, a 1 yo grand child. They had a 1 year birthday on their end, .. but didn't have a huge celebration, they only had just their direct family and that included my brother and his wife, their son (the father of the 1 yo there) and their daughter, .. that was it. The reason they didn't have a big shindig, was because the father and mother of this 1 yo, share custody and the mother wanted the child back by noon on the child's bday. Thus, they only had a little small celebration of a home-made bday cake, and some balloons.
A 1 yo doesn't know!!!!! They won't remember. It doesn't matter really.
But as my daughter (the mother of the 1 yo here pointed out) about this whole situation, when she asked if we were invited to their 1 yo's bday party. I answered that w/the fact that they hadn't had any big gathering, the child's bday had fallen on a weekday and they had to give the child back to his mother at noon. She responded, "so was ____'s bday, her's was on a weekday also, but we had her party on the weekend, when people could come, they could've done the same, they chose not to, .. nobody was haranguing on them about what they need to do, we could've gotten our nose out of joint too, that there was no celebration and no inviting us .. but we didn't". Good point.
I try to put myself in that space, and honestly, because of the perspective, this is a 1 yo's bday ... it's not the prez or anything .. this is a 1 yo, had I been invited to anything on that end (they live about 6 hours away) I would've honestly considered it more of a pain to try to get there for it, than I would've any pleasure in doing so. With work constraints, a car that's old, and having to rent a car to do it, etc. I wouldn't of considered it a "must do".
So it's really hard for me to put myself in any space, where I can empathize with the whole thing, and try to "understand" how it is my brother can have his feelings hurt behind all this.
You both are, her for not minding her business and inviting people or telling people about the party and abiding by your wishes.
YOU because you are making such a big deal about a one year old's birthday which they will never remember.
You fixed the pool, you re sodded the back yard, you did this and it cost so much, you did that and it cost so much.
Now you are complaining about the additional cost of the food when it would have been much less fuss had you not made it such a fuss.
Also I believe you have said before that your Mother has done this before so you should not have told her about the event until right before the event knowing from experience what she is like.
You also complain about the expense in one post but in a post further down you would not have gone 6 hours to an event even if you had been invited because you would have had the extra expense of renting a better vehicle for to attend.
You also state it would have been a pain to try and get there and more hassle than pleasure.
Yet those you are complaining about your Mother telling are willing to make the trip and have a gift and are excited to be seeing this child and other family.
Your wrong. How much could it possibly cost to feed the extra people? You didn't think that even if your mother never mentioned it that someone would eventually tell your father and brothers?
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