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Bit of a vent here, but why on Earth do people say this if they have no intention of actually making plans or even worse keeping plans with you?!
I am very outgoing person and like to organize social events (not to the point where it is annoying ) but I do like to have active friendships,get out of the house, and be active in the community.
I have 3 kids with 4th on the way and up until recently I worked full time. Every other month I would organize either a ladies night out or family board game night etc... The turn out for these events was actually good each time.
Recently towards the end of my pregnancy I decided to go ahead & become a stay at home mom prior to having this baby. SO many people (both fellow stay at home moms and non ) said "let me know when you are home and we will go do something." So I have gotten in touch with them & made plans. So far nearly EVERY time they either cancel the plans at the last minute or even no show calling days later to make excuses or apologize.
I understand especially with small kids that things get hectic, but I rarely cancel plans I have made and if it is a bad time to get together I tell the person "this week is bad" or whatever and decline. It's not just a mom thing either.
Right now I have stopped making plans with friends & just started going to more reliable public playgroups instead.
I'm starting to take it personally or thinking maybe I need new friends......
Also I wonder if this is more regional? Sounds a bit strange I know but when I lived in the North not the South people only made plans if they were keeping them. Also why is there good group turn out but not one on one friendship turn out?
Anyone else have advice on how to handle this??Thanks
There's a certain subset of people I call "Wannas" (as in wanna have fun!) They are happy to get together with me if they have nothing better to do or if visiting with me gets them out of something. They will not go out of their way, or if something better comes along and we have plans, they will cancel, right up to the last five minutes before we meet.
In general, I have a two strike rule: if a Wanna pulls that crap on me twice within a two month period, they are gone. No second chances. The exception is a person who is taking care of an extremely ill member of the family who is subject to heart attacks or strokes. That's a different situation.
I've been running into fewer Wannas since I moved. That's a Good Thing.
I had a friend here in town I used to hang out with a lot because they did not know anyone else but as soon as they moved to another town they would make plans to do things and cancel at the last minute, I almost never hear from them anymore.
It's one thing to say it once because one thinks it's the right thing to do, and quite another to constantly say it and never do it. That's annoying.
It's almost as if saying "let's do something" is either habitual or part of trying to make conversation like bringing up the weather. I guess I somewhat understand that but it's the going a step further and either setting up the plans or agreeing to the others persons suggestions with no intention of going that baffles and offends me.
Happens with me all the time, Wanderlove. I think people realize they should be social---but when push comes to shove, it's just so much easier to stay at home and watch a screen...or to grab a bite to eat by themselves instead of making plans.
I organize some Meetups and I've learned not to take it personally that 50% or more of the people who RSVP for something like a dinner never show up. They forget about it or their lethargy kicks in and they stay home or something "better" comes along.
What really impedes my getting together with people is that most seem to prefer "spontaneity" whereas I am a planner. I like to have something to look forward to. To live a full life, I like to fill up my calendar and not just see if the mood hits me an hour before I'd like to go out to eat or go to a concert---because without set plans in place, it's all too easy to just hang out at home.
You're doing nothing wrong. Give people a couple of chances and then move on, as I've had to do. Be open to other friends who care about living a quality life and are willing to make and keep plans to get together...but know that these are few and far between.
As an introvert, I much prefer getting together with selected people one on one, but most people don't seem to find this exciting enough to commit to and prefer the big group events, like a 200 person happy hour. Not my thing.
I moved to Tennessee from the west coast, and lived there for 5 years. The southern culture is definitely different. They will not be straightforward with you, and I found it enormously frustrating, trying to figure out if someone really wanted to do business with me or really wanted to be my friend. Over and over, until I finally got the hint because things would never materialize. I much prefer people not waste my time in this manner. They thought they were being polite, by not letting me know straight-up that they weren't interested. But they were wasting my time, and hurting my feelings, from my point of view.
So, yes, part of it is a southern thing.
I'd give them a one-strike rule, if I were you. If they blow me off once, take that as the southern way of saying they aren't interested. If you happen to read it wrong once in a blue moon, oh well. Let that person invite YOU somewhere then. If they don't, you'll know you were right the first time.
I have an old friend who calls me regularly, but only when she needs someone to help her kill time while she's on her way somewhere or in a doctor's waiting room, etc. I'll just get going on a story about me, which she asked about, and she'll interrupt me to tell me she has to go now, she got to her destination or the doctor called her name. And she doesn't call me back to hear the rest of the story.
For the last 6 months or so, I've let her calls go to voicemail, and she doesn't even leave a voicemail. She doesn't text me. Doesn't email me.
That says it all to me. She's not interested in a real relationship. I am a time-filler. And I'm no longer interested in that role.
I did make two wonderful friends while living in Nashville. Ironically, neither were from the south. One was from New York, the other from Canada. Neither of them ever wasted my time or ever blew me off. So, it's possible for you to make real friends in the south. So, keep trying, but with the one-strike rule. They're just impossible to "read" unless you're from their culture, in my experience, being an "outsider."
"Let's do something sometime" is a polite way of saying you're well regarded but the other person(s) have moved on. TBH I see nothing wrong with that. Better that than to have somebody go through the motions of making plans despite not "feelin' it" in order to not ruffle feathers up front. When they do that their mind is saying, "unless something - anything - else comes up." If it's only been a matter of months since you last interacted in person with an individual who plays that game, it says a lot about them that's not good. You're better off without them.
Too bad there's no way of telling exactly how people who get back on your radar are going to react. Over the past year I tracked down two people who had once been important figures in my existence. One had shared living quarters with me back in the 20th century, during college, and the other had been a close friend met through work in the early aughts. In both cases there had never been a conflict. Time and changing circumstances had simply caused us to drift apart and fall out of contact. The onetime housemate was elated over having been found. We updated each other by e-mail a few times, then ultimately I traveled to the city he's in now for an afternoon of laughs and lots of walking. As for the former co-worker, one friendly exchange of e-mail updates was followed by "We really should get together for drinks...sometime." (Dots and bolding are my edits.) Message received - best of luck to you, too.
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