Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Where does it say they'll ignore her at this event? As opposed to her hope/expectation that it might happen? Just to be clear, it appears the OP is setting herself up to fail. Pretty much that's a slam dunk that it will.
She's been with the guy for a few years. Why would this time be any different? Past behavior predicts future performance.
But she said she will go and put on a happy face. Not sure what anyone else here wants from her. Quite frankly, I think a lot of people here are jumping down her throat for no reason. Not you, but others. Ironic, because what's exasperating about the family is that nothing appears to be good enough for them.
I think your posting name says it all. It's more likely that is what they are responding to about you. They probably see you as depressed and they have no idea how to approach you. If the mother can call you and ask you to help her pull off a surprise for her twins, I think she thinks she's reaching out and including you. It's your choice if you want to be "a quiet, reserved person who stays in the background." That doesn't mean you can't be sociable a couple of times a year to make your partner happy. He must have an OK relationship with his family or he wouldn't be included in all their parties. You shouldn't be trying to come in between that. You've made multiple negative posts about this family. What is it exactly that you want? That he should cut off his family completely? That he only see them alone without you? That they all change their basic natures and become more like you, a person who chooses to have no friends? I'm serious here. What is your goal?
This is the deal, I have VERY difficult in-laws. I mean, they outright have told me I wasn't good enough. They acted like my wedding to their son was a funeral. But it was important to find a way to get along with them. And I have. Not by pouting, calling them names, sitting in the back ground. But by putting up boundaries *and* being genuinely nice, not cold, distant, sullen. And I let them know I was willing and happy to be part of the family. Toe the line when I needed to. We get along great...in moderation. We all are happy with that.
But its a choice to make. Either keep doing what you are doing and get the same results. Or try something new. Up to you.
She's been with the guy for a few years. Why would this time be any different? Past behavior predicts future performance.
But she said she will go and put on a happy face. Not sure what anyone else here wants from her. Quite frankly, I think a lot of people here are jumping down her throat for no reason. Not you, but others. Ironic, because what's exasperating about the family is that nothing appears to be good enough for them.
We really don't know anything about their history and the circumstances of her relationship with them, except that she hates them. It's all her version.
OP back! Lilac110 and sheena12 are still apparently the only ones who really understand...& a couple others who gave me reputation marks w/ a positive comment being on my side about this whole thing.
Again, if others of you haven't read, I'm going to take him & make the best of yet...once again, like I ALWAYS try to do at all their past affairs that I've been ignored at (his mom's surprise party this past summer, 2 siblings' weddings back in the day, past years' TG & Christmas get togethers, another Christmas dinner at his dad's once which was really bad, etc. This is all throughout the course of multiple years).
My ex-BF's family look like Mother Teresa compared to my current BF's family. If I can have my BF w/ my ex's family, everything would be great! They were cordial, included me, were actually NICE to me since day 1 & I dated my last guy for about 4 yrs. My current BF's family's just different. I'm not going to break up w/ him over it. If I had let that affect me, I would have broken up w/ him unteen yrs ago. We'll just hopefully live far enough away when we get married so if there's an event, it will be too far too go all the time. Plus, him & I will be too busy doing our own thing, traveling & whatnot anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuitmom
Where does it say they'll ignore her at this event? As opposed to her hope/expectation that it might happen? Just to be clear, it appears the OP is setting herself up to fail. Pretty much that's a slam dunk that it will.
If you went to a total of about 10+ past get-togethers of their's throughout the course of many, many years (& I meant to add an 's' in my OP at the end of get togethers) in which the same group of people displayed the same type of behavior, do you really think they're going to change? Uh, I think not. I've known 1/2 his siblings when they were as young as in middle school & early high school. They're still the same.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete
You two sound like you'll have a wonderful life together, full of friends and happiness.
Yep, well, like they say, there's usually someone for everyone! And we've made each other happy. We don't need friends to make us happy. They can help enhance life, but they aren't our life. (He doesn't have friends either...just 1 pretty close one like I do, but we each see our friends about once a year if that. His reasons are that you can't trust people & many are fake & will stab you in the back.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
We really don't know anything about their history and the circumstances of her relationship with them, except that she hates them. It's all her version.
I'm pretty sure there is much more to this story.
You're darned right there's more to the story. I'm posting about a certain event for this thread, but I guess it's difficult for most people to be on MY side in this if I don't explain everything & just call a certain group smug, which would take a lot more words. I can add another thing right now. His twin brother's said racist remarks a couple times in my presence when I knew I could hear & one directed at me, but he tries to be comical about it. Arsehole!
Last edited by Forever Blue; 12-13-2014 at 08:59 AM..
You're darned right there's more to the story. I'm posting about a certain event for this thread, but I guess it's difficult for most people to be on MY side in this if I don't explain everything & just call a certain group smug, which would take a lot more words. I can add another thing right now. His twin brother's said racist remarks a couple times in my presence when I knew I could hear & one directed at me, but he tries to be comical about it. Arsehole!
Why would you expect completely random strangers on the internet to be on your side? There's certainly more to the past than you have said and we're only getting your side. The title of the thread is a put off to many people and your first post was pretty off putting. If you speak like that to them, well no wonder they don't like you. I still say the birthday party isn't about you. Suck it up! He has a family and he will ALWAYS have that family.
I think your posting name says it all. It's more likely that is what they are responding to about you.
Or it could just be the name of a Chris Isaak song, from an album by the same name.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue
OP back! Lilac110 and sheena12 are still apparently the only ones who really understand...& a couple others who gave me reputation marks w/ a positive comment being on my side about this whole thing.
...
If you went to a total of about 10+ past get-togethers of their's throughout the course of many, many years (& I meant to add an 's' in my OP at the end of get togethers) in which the same group of people displayed the same type of behavior, do you really think they're going to change? Uh, I think not. I've known 1/2 his siblings when they were as young as in middle school & early high school. They're still the same.
...
You're darned right there's more to the story. I'm posting about a certain event for this thread, but I guess it's difficult for most people to be on MY side in this if I don't explain everything & just call a certain group smug, which would take a lot more words. I can add another thing right now. His twin brother's said racist remarks a couple times in my presence when I knew I could hear & one directed at me, but he tries to be comical about it. Arsehole!
OP, I think what you're experiencing is one of the downfalls of forums like this, which is a tendency for people to automatically assume that if someone is asking for help or validation, that person must automatically be suspect. Also, I have a hunch that a number of people who are jumping down your throat just haven't dealt with families like your BF's.
Not to toot my own horn too much, but other than not wanting kids, I was, and am, every mother's dream for their sons. I'm the one who gets up after the meal is over and starts helping in the kitchen unasked, sends thank-you notes via snail mail, sends the centerpiece for the table at the holidays, sends flowers when an SO's grand-parent dies, and invites the SO's parents to my place for a home-cooked meal. I'm the one who sits at the table with the talkative aunt or uncle and listens to the same stories they've told 15 times, I help the grandparents up the icy sidewalks and get my arse up from the sofa at the party so they can sit down and be comfortable. I'm also the one who takes the sisters or female cousins aside and suggests arranging a girls' lunch just for us, and I'm the one talking sports with the guys.
Families, by and large, love me, and until my last SO's family, I had never--and I mean NEVER--had an issue with a member of any man's family.
In that one family, I dealt with everything from snits and two-month silent treatments over social media to the aforementioned obnoxious political and lifestyle commentary, to attitude problems when I wouldn't drop everything and take time away from my work on a deadline to go and nurse my ex through an OMG MAN COLD when he lived a three-minute drive from a grocery store, to chiding when my ex busted my chops in front of them and I busted his right back. OMG, HOW DARE YOU INSULT OUR BELOVED ANGEL? Yeah, right, and did you miss what came out of your beloved angel's mouth immediately prior?
This isn't to say we were at each other's throats all the time, or that it was everyone. There were a few people I genuinely liked and enjoyed talking to and writing back and forth on Facebook with. But there were people who seemed to make it a point to be unpleasant, sometimes within moments of coming into the blasted house, and after a few years of that, I just got sick of it and started avoiding them as much as possible.
Unless someone has dealt with this stuff for years on end, they just don't get it, Ms. Blue. Some families really are impossible to deal with, and not for nothing, but your own BF acknowledged it, as did my ex about his. I remember my ex telling me, "Now you know why I live 30 miles from them and they can't just drop by any time they want."
So take what you need from the thread and ignore the rest. You're not alone.
"& doesn't have friends really, I don't care for them personally"
I've just gotta say, I love this! Met a teenage girl once who said she wasn't going to speak to anyone at a gathering "because I don't like people." There ya go; bam! Tell it like it is, girl...
OP, I think what you're experiencing is one of the downfalls of forums like this, which is a tendency for people to automatically assume that if someone is asking for help or validation, that person must automatically be suspect. Also, I have a hunch that a number of people who are jumping down your throat just haven't dealt with families like your BF's.
Wrong! I've been married for over 18 years. My in-laws have hated me since before they met me. They're born again Christians and I am not religious at all. Grow up Catholic, but don't give a hoot about any of it. I'm worse than Satan in their eyes.....not to mention I stole their baby/brother. Here we are 18 years later and I'm still hated by the sisters. The parents are dead. And no I did not shed a single tear when they died.
Lilac110, I'm sure you are a great person! And I know what you mean about not tooting your own horn...don't worry about appearing boastful whatsoever! It's a shame that certain people will never see certain people's good, kind nature, nor understand, but unfortunately, that's what makes the world go round...all different personalities of people. Many people are just not nice, so I of course stay away from them. When it's family, sometimes that can't always be done as we know.
I've personally had a tough & solitary social life my entire life. I was a shy, quiet only child, so I was more serious than the average kid. Never had a lot of friends...made 1 here or there. Had a cousin or two who my mom would take us bowling & ice skating on a regular basis for a time, in fact, those are some of my most fondest childhood memories. Everywhere I was no matter what age I was up to adulthood (school, work, home, church, etc.), people already had their group of friends, so they didn't care to get to know me past our small talk on occasions. My mom had told me, it's too bad others don't know how truly funny you are. Just your dad & I know. My BF says the same thing too.
Sure, God's blessed me w/ a few friends & I thank Him for it. I'm glad I'm strong & can stand alone.
Not everyone has a bubbly personality & a million friends...not that you have to have that. We all have different personalities, but then there's all the narcissistic arseholes out there too & we just hope that we run into those kinds of people as little as possible.
Lilac110, not to toot my own horn either, but I'm a kind, genuine person who would make anyone a great friend who is nice & smiling to people, but I've never had the chance to get that close to people, so they don't get to know me well.
I'd hate to think people are intimidated by me. My ethnicity is different & I look what many people may say is "exotic". I dress nice, have super long hair, am well put together, sophisticated, etc., so maybe people right off the bat are intimidated. I've got the smarts too, but most strangers don't know all that off the bat. You don't know how many people I've encountered in my life who don't know me from Adam, we've never spoken, etc. & they act like they just hate me. For years, I never understood why some people were like this, but after a while, I had to learn to get used to it.
Last edited by Forever Blue; 12-13-2014 at 01:31 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
