Are your friends/family empathetic to your concerns? (person, sister, conversation)

[ellenrr]

I'll give you an example of what I mean:
yesterday at lunch (with a group I've been eating with for a few years), I came in after a difficult physical therapy session with my torn meniscus in knee.
I had to unload (as each of us does from time to time, in this group, and as I rarely do.)
to say that I am discouraged, frustrated, will I ever get better, etc. etc.

then I wanted to find a positive note for myself, and also so as to not leave the group feeling bad for me, so I said that I did have another option I was considering-
this particular doctor who my friend had used for many years and thot very highly of, the disadvantage being that he was a distance away, but that I was considering him, based on her high opinion.

well, one woman, had to say that it was SILLY to travel so far, and there were good doctors in our town, and she kept repeating this.
And the implication (to me anyway) was that I was a real idiot for considering going so far for a doctor.

I finally told her firmly that this was my decision to make, and she had expressed her opinion, and now she could drop the subject, instead of going on and on.
Which she did.

What I think about it is - an empathetic friend would not ridicule another friend's thinking.
Do you agree?
I think a supportive friend would
a) acknowledge that I was feeling discouraged and frustrated-
as in "it has been a long time, and I can see why you would get discouraged"
and
b) encourage any positive step, or at least be neutral, rather than be negative.
as in "that is a long way, but if you trust your friend, and she really likes this doctor, maybe it is worth the trip".
as in "I really hope you find a doctor who can deal with your concerns"

What do you think?

[AK-Cathy]

Depending upon how often you unload on these folks about your physical pains, they may be just plain tired of it, especially at lunch when they are trying to unwind and enjoy themselves. The woman that had the outburst was very rude to go on and on but you breached etiquette too by unloading on them.

In that situation I would have said nothing as a lunch mate. I probably would have tried to change the subject to more positive things. I'd like to think I'm pretty empathetic but I had to gently suggest that my sister needed to stop talking almost constantly about her aches and pains when she expressed concern about a relationship in her life that was waning. She agreed that she did dwell on her physical issues too much. It's endemic to this area, this routine complaining about health matters that rises to a bad habit in many. It's a tiresome and ultimately boring topic of conversation in a social setting. Rarely in AK did I hear the kind of health complaints aired in a social setting that I hear in this area. We all have pain and physical challenges especially as we age but it's best not to dwell on it especially in a social setting for the sake of everyone. FWIW.

[ocnjgirl]

Right. I agree, you were going on about it and when talking about the distance if it came oacross as whining or complaining about the distance, maybe they thought it was too much sour grapes, I don't know. you say you don't vent much on these friends, but do you tend to come off as Negative Nelly or something? If so people are not going to be empathetic if it's just the next thing you're complaining about, it has a "boy who cried wolf" effect. If you're normally positive and upbeat and it's rare for them to hear you being negative, then they were maybe insensitive, but your own history with them is important.

[HighFlyingBird]

I think when people are not willing to hear you, you just change the subject. Thats what I do

[willow wind]

You asked a question but you had a script running in your head as to what you wanted as answers. You really didn't want opinions, you wanted validation. That often doesn't work. A question will bring up answers and opinions you may not like, that's just the way it goes.

I've had your knee problem & worse . Physical therapy can be agony. I would have gone to lunch and just explained I was hurting and achy & left it at that. I'm not sure a group setting it time to go on about one's physical problems. It kind of monopolizes the conversation and focuses the group's attention only to you. That often doesn't go over well. The type of conversation you wanted is better one on one with a best friend, not a ladies who lunch group.

Hope you feel better.

[ChiGal7]

Originally Posted by willow wind

You asked a question but you had a script running in your head as to what you wanted as answers. You really didn't want opinions, you wanted validation. That often doesn't work. A question will bring up answers and opinions you may not like, that's just the way it goes.

That is so on point, both in person and especially online in any forum where people are asking others for advice.

Anyways, OP I think the issue is that people in general don't want to hear about other people's problems. Even if someone asks, How are you doing? They usually don't want to hear how you're really doing, they are just being polite. Whenever someone asks me that, I usually say, Good! Thanks for asking! And I can usually see them relieved that I didn't go into a dissertation about how I'm really feeling.

It's unfortunate but it is what it is. Try not to get too upset about it. Maybe just leave your true feelings for your family and close friends.

[shadowfax]

Meniscus injuries take a long time to heal. Been there done that. Recovery for me took almost a year.

Can't really comment on your friends. Maybe they really do care abut you and just see you trying to rush something that can't be rushed. If the Dr you have is competent you might just need to be patient.

Personally I feel that a real friend should be able to tell you the truth, even if the truth might not be what you want to hear or might hurt a bit.

[Lilac110]

Originally Posted by ellenrr

I'll give you an example of what I mean:
yesterday at lunch (with a group I've been eating with for a few years), I came in after a difficult physical therapy session with my torn meniscus in knee.
I had to unload (as each of us does from time to time, in this group, and as I rarely do.)
to say that I am discouraged, frustrated, will I ever get better, etc. etc.

then I wanted to find a positive note for myself, and also so as to not leave the group feeling bad for me, so I said that I did have another option I was considering-
this particular doctor who my friend had used for many years and thot very highly of, the disadvantage being that he was a distance away, but that I was considering him, based on her high opinion.

well, one woman, had to say that it was SILLY to travel so far, and there were good doctors in our town, and she kept repeating this.
And the implication (to me anyway) was that I was a real idiot for considering going so far for a doctor.

I finally told her firmly that this was my decision to make, and she had expressed her opinion, and now she could drop the subject, instead of going on and on.
Which she did.

Isn't it something how people who rarely unload then get lectured when they do? My theory is that it makes people uncomfortable when someone who is normally stoic shows some kind of vulnerability or hurt. You have your role to play as a steel-spined super-hero who never has any issues or anything to complain about, and don't you dare waiver from that!

However, I handle dingbats like her a bit differently. I would have just turned the tables on her and said, "Okay, so who do you suggest?"

Then you might either have gotten the name of a good doctor closer to home or she'd have looked at you like a deer caught in headlights--at which point you could have said, "Right. I can't think of any either. But do feel free to research some for me and send me their names if you wish to help." Followed by a big smile.

[JobSeeker101]

You're an adult, not a baby. Your friends job isn't to pamper you with positive words to make you feel all correct and nice inside. You put "silly" in all caps as if it was some terrible thing to say. Toughen up a little.