My best friend is financially irresponsible and asks me for money- do I say something? (jealous, wife)

[Roman77]

As the thread states, my best friend of 30 years literally has zero conscience when it comes to money. He makes a good salary, and is out every weekend partying, wining and dining, and travelling frequently. Its to the point of being obnoxious but hey, its his money and not my concern right?

Well, on 3 occassions the past couple of years an emergency has arisen where he has asked me for money. The first two occassions I loaned him the money trying to 'be a friend'. On this last occassion a few months ago I said no, I didnt have the money( I did in my savings but it was a tough month financially). But my primary reason for saying no was that I wanted him to learn a lesson that at some point, life will throw you a curveball and youll need rainy day money to deal with it. Clearly it didnt work because he still spends as stupidly as ever.

What would you do in this situation? Am I being a friend by lending him money? Am I putting him in bad habits of thinking he can come to me when he runs short, while continuing to spend recklessly because he thinks he can count on me( except this last time). Am I overstepping bounds by talking to him about his habits, or is he best left alone? What is the better 'being a true friend' thing to do here?

[Mattie]

If you've been friends for 30 years, you aren't dealing with a kid. At this point, not much you say will make a difference, beyond the word "No". Friends don't try to teach friends lessons, but you could offer to direct him to a financial planner if you were so inclined.

[Inkpoe]

Originally Posted by Roman77

But my primary reason for saying no was that I wanted him to learn a lesson that at some point, life will throw you a curveball and youll need rainy day money to deal with it. Clearly it didnt work because he still spends as stupidly as ever.

What would you do in this situation? Am I being a friend by lending him money? Am I putting him in bad habits of thinking he can come to me when he runs short, while continuing to spend recklessly because he thinks he can count on me( except this last time). Am I overstepping bounds by talking to him about his habits, or is he best left alone? What is the better 'being a true friend' thing to do here?

It's not your responsibility to teach your friend a very pragmatic lesson. He's not even asking for a lesson and probably wouldn't be able to appreciate it. You could broach the subject if it concerns you, but otherwise accept that this is a part of your friend's personality. If you are not comfortable lending money, then don't.

[kevxu]

Perhaps your disapproval may be tinged with envy. Sounds like you are really wound up about his life style a bit too much.

Loaning him money is something you should not do, more for yourself than as a way of teaching him your idea of financial restraint. You are already wound up about his lifestyle...loaning him money will just suck you in deeper emotionally.

[cpg35223]

Say, "I don't have any to lend right now." Then he'll find another sucker.

[Roman77]

Originally Posted by kevxu

Perhaps your disapproval may be tinged with envy. Sounds like you are really wound up about his life style a bit too much.

.

No there's no jealousy involved, it really is out of concern. As I said, it frankly wouldnt bother me if not for the fact that he sees me as some kind of crutch. I make decent money, and I choose to save and invest a rainy day especially in this economic climate. He also knows that I am frugal, so maybe the thought process is ' I dont mind living it up, because Roman77 will be there to bail me out'.

I agree with the sentiments of all who say its not my responsibility. I mainly was wondering if it was something worth raising should he ask again, or leave him to his own devices. Im guessing everyone here feels the latter is the way to go.

[cis_love]

did he pay back the other two loans?

if he doesn't have money for necessities because of reckless spending, i would definitely not lend money. i have lent money to people who really truly needed it b/c of illness, lost jobs, etc. but this doesn't seem like the case for your friend.

[HappyFarm34]

If he has money to "Wine & Dine" then its his fault when the bills come and he falls short. You're being played for a fool. And lending money to a friend no matter how long you've known each other is never a good idea.

[nikitakolata]

I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't loan him money, either. Loaning money is a recipe for disaster in a friendship, IMO. Eventually maybe he will figure it out, but most likely, he won't.

[Roman77]

Originally Posted by cis_love

did he pay back the other two loans?

if he doesn't have money for necessities because of reckless spending, i would definitely not lend money. i have lent money to people who really truly needed it b/c of illness, lost jobs, etc. but this doesn't seem like the case for your friend.

Yes he has paid me back, albeit on one occasion I had to ask more than once. In the instance where I recently said no, it was a family thing but not a national crisis. The thing is, he seems unwilling to ask his wife so to some degree I get the impression he doesn't want her to know of his money issues, which is another matter entirely.

Originally Posted by HappyFarm34

If he has money to "Wine & Dine" then its his fault when the bills come and he falls short. You're being played for a fool.

Agreed, and touche....

Originally Posted by nikitakolata

I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't loan him money, either. .......... Eventually maybe he will figure it out, but most likely, he won't.

That's more or less what I did last time. I did have the money, and opted to say no for reasons already stated, that said it was a tough month for me financially as well, and as far as I'm concerned now I wasn't about to dig into savings to help out a reckless friend unless he was on death's door.

And no I suspect he won't figure it out until something catastrophic happens.