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i just had a big argument with some family and it sort of was like this. i cut contact with some of them because they are rude, disrespectful and they smoke and drink. now why should i hang out with people who do that ? a family member said i am not perfect and that i cant judge, and i should not act perfect. but this is a person that tried to bully me for a while and all i wanted was love and respect and for us to be a family. they said i am isolating myself from them, but i cut contact because of the fact of "repetitiveness". not because i think i am better than someone.... i dont want to be around someone who knows that i want to be respected but they talk to me like a dam dog....... and they did it over and over. i mean come one now, what have i done to deserve that ? i dont talk to them like, and there were times i needed help and they did not help me in hard times, but i would have ran to help them.
am i being manipulated here or am i really not understanding something ??
How can you expect "love and respect and for us to be a family" when you cut contact and consider them rude and disrespectful?
We get it. You don't get along with them. Move on.
Complaining about them over and over changes nothing.... and it reeks of the "repetitiveness" of which you accuse them!
OP, what do you think that family means? If you're expecting some kind of Waltons/Brady Bunch/Huxtable relationship, maybe that's just not in the cards. Part of being a family is accepting that while you are related by blood, not everyone is going to behave the way you think they should or have opinions that you agree with. You can either go crazy waiting for people to change, or you can take them as they are and adjust your expectations accordingly.
You have a right to expect respect from family members. I dealt with family (mainly in-laws) who were rude and said very hateful things. I didn't stand up for myself because I have always tried to get along with everyone even though if it meant that I ended up crying, hurt and feeling depressed. Some people think they need a punching bag and choose us nice guys.
You also have a right to not want to be around smokers and drinkers. I am a recovering alcoholic and I cannot be around drinkers. I am a smoker. I am cutting back on that and hopefully will get off the cancer sticks. and do not smoke inside anywhere at all. I do not even smoke near a non-smoker outside.
Perhaps you calmly explain to family members that you expect to be treated with respect and it hurts you too much to be around them when they are not doing so. I am basing my response on the information you gave as you were not specific. There are two sides to every story and sometimes if one is sensitive (like me) than it is easy to take things the wrong way and assume that someone is being nasty. I am not as bad as I used to be and try to either ask or give the benefit of the doubt to others unless it is a recurring thing where it is obvious I am getting continually sucker punched. Then I leave before my emotions bleed out.
yeas but what i mean is, how can i be around them when they act like that ? why should i
IMHO life is too short to spend it with people who don't enhance your experience in some way. If your family is bringing you down, it is perfectly acceptable to limit the time you spend with them. You don't have to be dramatic about it, you can be 'busy'.
People who are dysfunctional need others around to support their dysfunction. If they feel they are losing an 'enabler' they will fight to keep them in a very negative way. It would not occur to them to improve their behavior in order to convince you to spend time with them.
The fact that your family is responding this way is a very good sign they are not emotionally healthy! So you get permission to create some distance that feels healthy for you.
i just had a big argument with some family and it sort of was like this. i cut contact with some of them because they are rude, disrespectful and they smoke and drink. now why should i hang out with people who do that ? a family member said i am not perfect and that i cant judge, and i should not act perfect. but this is a person that tried to bully me for a while and all i wanted was love and respect and for us to be a family. they said i am isolating myself from them, but i cut contact because of the fact of "repetitiveness". not because i think i am better than someone.... i dont want to be around someone who knows that i want to be respected but they talk to me like a dam dog....... and they did it over and over. i mean come one now, what have i done to deserve that ? i dont talk to them like, and there were times i needed help and they did not help me in hard times, but i would have ran to help them.
am i being manipulated here or am i really not understanding something ??
You can love family without "hanging out" with them. I have much older brothers, and I don't like to spend a lot of time around one of them. But I still love them in spite of our differences, and we do respect each other. You probably love your family but just don't like them.
I don't see where smoking and drinking should be a big factor here unless there is alcoholism contributing to the problem. I don't give a rip who smokes in my family as long as they don't do it in my own house.
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