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I have these two friends who are a couple, they are both girls, and when we became friends it was very casual. We would go and play pool and watch anime and movies together. Lets call them A and C.
Eventually we would start butting heads, mostly me and A. We're really different people, I am overly sensitive and tone of voice is a big deal to me. There are certain ways you say things, out of respect, she doesn't do that. Her girlfriend would do something silly, and instead of saying "haha, your cute, stop being silly" She would be like "Stop acting retarded" in the very shrill tone of voice. She would call her girlfriend ugly, she would be rude her her, and rude to me. It's something small, but I told her doing that isn't cool, you should really have more tact. The way she talked to people was just rude. She now knows she shouldn't talk like that to others, especially her girlfriend. It's gotten better but that's just how she is and I can't do much about it.
They have a bunch of family drama, A's mother is very emotionally abusive. I would get told about it day after day, and I really didn't want to get involved in their family life. One weekend I had a lot of free time, and we hung out all weekend long. It was fun but at the same time, too much of a good thing? It was just very draining. I loved hanging out with them casually, every once in awhile, but I didn't like being attached to the hip. So, I basically took a break. I still texted them, we'd talk, but I hung out with my other friends, one of them lets call S, who they know as well even though they've only hung out less that 3 times. They did not like that I hung out with S, I told them that I don't need to hang out with them constantly in order to keep a friendship, it's only been two weeks since we last saw each other. It was just very immature. I can hang out with whoever I wish and I am under no obligation to invite you to everything. That was basically the turning point. Since then, it's basically gotten worse.
Both of them don't have cars. They blame it on their parents for not providing one for them. They both have minimum wage jobs. They blame others for not having enough money. They don't know how to budget, they will buy random things like stuffed animals and jewelry and then complain they don't have money. C likes to steal things when we go to walmart. These are just some immature things they do...all they do is make excuses.
C would text me, instead of asking "hey, could you give us a ride?" She would just be like "hey, we need a ride to x" Like...okay? are you asking me? Or just expecting me to do it?
Throughout all this they've had a cat. They got it from a friend, no shots, not fixed. Since They got the cat I have told them to take her to the vet. They say they don't have a ride and can't afford it. Time goes by and the cat gets worms. Same excuse. Cat has worms for MONTHS. They keep saying they will take her to the vet, never do. They say they got medicine, but I don't know. The cat had a car ball that wouldn't pass for a week and wouldn't eat. Cat gets sick. They finally take her to the SPCA for a cough, and two days later the cat dies. I even gave them money to take her to the vet for helping me out with my cat while I was moving, and I wish I had never let them take care of my cat.
Now I am so done. They are terrible, but I loved our relationship at first, before the drama. If it could go back to being casual, I would love that. Part of me wants to drop them. But I'm too nice. And I love having friends, it's hard for me to make friends. Only recently have I had ones that mattered, and I don't want to lose two of them. We have the same hobbies and interests and we have genuinely had a lot of fun together. But is it worth it? Do you think I could still casually hang out with them, or would it be best just to drop them completely?
What's your take on this situation, an what would you do?
Part of me wants to drop them. But I'm too nice. And I love having friends, it's hard for me to make friends. Only recently have I had ones that mattered, and I don't want to lose two of them.
That's always the rub, isn't it? It's hard to cut off friends when you have a hard time making them. But, still, I think your instincts are right. It's never going to get better with them - if the breaking point isn't here, it'll be at some point in the future. It's going to happen eventually - you're better off cutting them loose now, than later. And not wasting energy on these two clowns may make it just a little bit more easy to make other friends. How about volunteering with a cat rescue? You may make some better friends there.
Indeed, it won't get any better. It will only get worse. Their lack of a car and lack of money and lack of good manners and neglect of their cat and family drama and dislike of your other friends -- NONE of this is your fault. But they are already making it out to sound like it is, and this will only intensify.
Keep your happy memories, but consign them to the past, and move on. You can do better.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 28 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,362,966 times
Reputation: 5382
I have a hard time making friends as well & maintaining friendships. I recently had to let go a friend I knew for 8yrs. He's a drug addict and decided I wanted no part of it anymore.
It sounds like you need to cut those friends loose & find friends that aren't dependent on others for rides & money
Anyone who shoplifts while you are together in a store is NOT your friend! She could cause you to have legal record that will literally hang over your head the entire rest of your life!
You need new friends! Friends who treat you with kindness and respect.
Get involved with school groups, classes, charity groups, or with a house of worship -- or join a gym. Meet new people who share your interests!
Let those who take advantage of you and abuse your kindness fade into the past. You can always be "too busy" or have "made other plans" when one or the other wants to use you as her dumping ground to unload family drama.
And I encourage you to just plain grow a backbone , reach down deep in your soul and tell your so-called "friend" who uses you as her getaway driver for her shoplifting sprees:
"NO. Never again! I am not having any part of any theft. It is just plain wrong, and not just 'no' but 'Hell No' forget it. No more and goodbye!"
Thank you everyone for your replies. And to clarify when she told me she steals occasionally, I told her to not do it around me and she hasn't, so that's good. It just bothers me.
I just wish I didn't have to lose friends. They were such cool people.
I just wish I didn't have to lose friends. They were such cool people.
Oh, really?
"So hello there. Here is my problem.
I have these two friends who are a couple, they are both girls, and when we became friends it was very casual. We would go and play pool and watch anime and movies together. Lets call them A and C.
Eventually we would start butting heads, mostly me and A. Not cool. We're really different people, I am overly sensitive and tone of voice is a big deal to me. There are certain ways you say things, out of respect, she doesn't do that. Her girlfriend would do something silly, and instead of saying "haha, your cute, stop being silly" She would be like "Stop acting retarded" in the very shrill tone of voice.Not cool. She would call her girlfriend ugly, she would be rude her her, and rude to me. Not cool. It's something small, but I told her doing that isn't cool, you should really have more tact. The way she talked to people was just rude.Not cool. She now knows she shouldn't talk like that to others, especially her girlfriend. It's gotten better but that's just how she is and I can't do much about it.
They have a bunch of family drama, Not cool, though not entirely their fault. A's mother is very emotionally abusive. I would get told about it day after day, and I really didn't want to get involved in their family life. One weekend I had a lot of free time, and we hung out all weekend long. It was fun but at the same time, too much of a good thing? It was just very draining. Not cool. I loved hanging out with them casually, every once in awhile, but I didn't like being attached to the hip. So, I basically took a break. I still texted them, we'd talk, but I hung out with my other friends, one of them lets call S, who they know as well even though they've only hung out less that 3 times. They did not like that I hung out with S, Not cool (that they didn't like it). I told them that I don't need to hang out with them constantly in order to keep a friendship, it's only been two weeks since we last saw each other. It was just very immature. I can hang out with whoever I wish and I am under no obligation to invite you to everything. That was basically the turning point. Since then, it's basically gotten worse. Not cool.
Both of them don't have cars. They blame it on their parents for not providing one for them. Not cool. They both have minimum wage jobs. Could be not cool, if they're old enough to do better but lack motivation or work ethic to improve their situation. They blame others for not having enough money. Not cool. They don't know how to budget, they will buy random things like stuffed animals and jewelry and then complain they don't have money. Not cool. C likes to steal things when we go to walmart.DEFINITELY not cool. These are just some immature things they do...all they do is make excuses. Not cool.
C would text me, instead of asking "hey, could you give us a ride?" She would just be like "hey, we need a ride to x" Not cool. Like...okay? are you asking me? Or just expecting me to do it?
Throughout all this they've had a cat. They got it from a friend, no shots, not fixed. Since They got the cat I have told them to take her to the vet. They say they don't have a ride and can't afford it. Time goes by and the cat gets worms. Same excuse. Cat has worms for MONTHS. They keep saying they will take her to the vet, never do. Not cool. They say they got medicine, but I don't know. The cat had a car ball that wouldn't pass for a week and wouldn't eat. Cat gets sick. They finally take her to the SPCA for a cough, and two days later the cat dies. I even gave them money to take her to the vet for helping me out with my cat while I was moving, and I wish I had never let them take care of my cat.
Now I am so done. They are terrible, but I loved our relationship at first, before the drama. If it could go back to being casual, I would love that. Part of me wants to drop them. But I'm too nice. And I love having friends, it's hard for me to make friends. Only recently have I had ones that mattered, and I don't want to lose two of them. We have the same hobbies and interests and we have genuinely had a lot of fun together. But is it worth it? Do you think I could still casually hang out with them, or would it be best just to drop them completely?
What's your take on this situation, an what would you do?
Any advice is appreciated. "
Last edited by Miss Blue; 08-14-2015 at 02:35 PM..
Reason: Red is reserved in this forum for moderator notes. Please use any other color
Now I am so done. They are terrible, but I loved our relationship at first, before the drama. If it could go back to being casual, I would love that. Part of me wants to drop them. But I'm too nice. And I love having friends, it's hard for me to make friends. Only recently have I had ones that mattered, and I don't want to lose two of them. We have the same hobbies and interests and we have genuinely had a lot of fun together. But is it worth it? Do you think I could still casually hang out with them, or would it be best just to drop them completely?
What's your take on this situation, an what would you do?
Any advice is appreciated.
I'm always amused when someone says they're "too nice". I just don't get it generally, especially when the details of the situation come out.
You have two friends that you clearly don't respect (and rightfully so) but you're "too nice" so you think you can just tolerate these people and use them for company.
Personally, I think you need to step back and put a lot of space between you and them, with the ultimate goal of finding better people for friends. Work on your self esteem as well. You train people on how to treat you. I think you would also benefit from developing a network of people (acquaintances) instead of putting so much on 2 people.
Shoplifting...cat neglect...not asking for rides and expecting them....sounds like more trouble than it's worth? If you want to hang on to them then you are going to have to set some boundaries. Like they need to ASK for rides. No shoplifting in your presence. Kindly recommend they don't get any pets until they can take care of it properly financially. If they can't respect these boundaries then it may not be worth it to you for the headaches. Also tell them you can't hang around with them all the time and if you don't see them for a week or two that it's nothing personal. I guess that's a boundary you are already trying out. Good luck.
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