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OK, so you tell her (back then); her life is disrupted; she finds him but he totally rejects her. What does this do a child of 10, 13, 16?
Does that not have a negative effect?
At one point, the woman's parents were going to tell her to tell, however, shortly before they did that, he (bio-dad) came into town, went to their home, had lunch and lied about an illness (was trying to get money) and said he was dying and needed money for the medical care.
After some checking this out, they (now both deceased) found out it was just a story, a made up lie.
When he was asked if he'd like to know about the daughter, he said only if he got the money; that he hated kids and never wanted one anyway.
One by one, we heard that story 20 years ago but that was the last contact.
(She looks more like the real father who came into her life).
If I found out that 20 members of my family not only knew about this but VOTED to keep it from me, I would be so incredibly pissed. It would hurt MUCH more than any supposed rejection by a bio dad I never knew.
The whole family is willfully deceiving her. The arrogance is astounding.
Hello "Close Family Member",
Do nothing. Unless this is your child you are are speaking of, it is simply none of your business. If you are a grandmother of this person, stay out grandma. If you are a sister, butt out sis. If you really want to help in this situation you will let the people directly involved handle it and that ain't you.
If I found out that 20 members of my family not only knew about this but VOTED to keep it from me, I would be so incredibly pissed. It would hurt MUCH more than any supposed rejection by a bio dad I never knew.
The whole family is willfully deceiving her.
I think this needs to be repeated. The "family" is talking about this young woman behind her back, and deciding what is best for her without her input.
She should have been told...something... years ago. Nothing to get her hopes up of a happy ending, there doesn't appear to be any chance of that, but more along the lines of "Dad adopted you as an infant. Your biological father disappeared when he found out I was pregnant. He was young, and not prepared to deal with having a family. We don't know where he is now".
i think this needs to be repeated. The "family" is talking about this young woman behind her back, and deciding what is best for her without her input.
She should have been told...something... Years ago. Nothing to get her hopes up of a happy ending, there doesn't appear to be any chance of that, but more along the lines of "dad adopted you as an infant. Your biological father disappeared when he found out i was pregnant. He was young, and not prepared to deal with having a family. We don't know where he is now".
Bio-dad does not want to be found; basically disappeared from radar. Wanted the mother to have an abortion; mother had baby; separated during pregnancy; divorced right after child born.
Mother remarries prior to child being 1. Child adopted by husband. No mention of bio-dad ever. Family is glad he is gone - no other drama other than misrepresentations which were hurtful but life went on.
25 years later - Adult (former child) is going through an "identity" crisis or so the family thinks. Everyone has a different opinion. Father (non bio-dad but the real father) very against opening up bag of worms.
This is only among the adults in the family over the age of 50. No one else remembers or knows. There are many family members who know nothing of this; I'm one of the few that remembers and a close relative.
Should the adult child be told of all this to help with this supposed identity crisis that some are jumping to conclusions? One family member is adamant this be told ("the truth will set you free") but this person (bio-dad) does not want to be found and what if she finds him and he rejects her? Most support leaving this alone.
Too complicated for my brain so I thought I'd post. Maybe some family has been through this.
If the child who is now an adult wants to find the biological father leave it up to them to do so.
If this child is not yours stay out of it and offer no opinion or advice.
Whether the child is told or not when/if they do find out there is always a chance there is going to be rejection and disappointment. It is up to the now adult child to learn how to deal with that.
If I found out that 20 members of my family not only knew about this but VOTED to keep it from me, I would be so incredibly pissed. It would hurt MUCH more than any supposed rejection by a bio dad I never knew.
The whole family is willfully deceiving her. The arrogance is astounding.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I think this needs to be repeated. The "family" is talking about this young woman behind her back, and deciding what is best for her without her input.
She should have been told...something... years ago. Nothing to get her hopes up of a happy ending, there doesn't appear to be any chance of that, but more along the lines of "Dad adopted you as an infant. Your biological father disappeared when he found out I was pregnant. He was young, and not prepared to deal with having a family. We don't know where he is now".
What a mess.
I agree.
With so many people knowing the truth it will come out some time in the future.
I once attended a wedding of a coworker. Her older brother Dan got his HS girl friend pregnant and when she took off after the baby was born his parents legally adopted her. So, his biological daughter was raised as his biological sister. Basically everyone in the entire small town know the situation. Heck, I had just moved into the town and I was told about it almost immediately.
Somehow, no one officially "spilled the beans" but the young woman must have suspected something because at her wedding she kept saying things like "My brother Dan is crying so much that it is like his daughter is getting married." and "My brother Dan is taking so many photographs that he is acting like his daughter is getting married."
Frankly, with ALL of her relatives knowing, and most, if not all of her small town knowing I am sure that she found out eventually. Wouldn't it have been better for her to be told the truth when she was younger?
The girl in this thread should have been told years ago.
Some of your responses are obviously not from adoptees. People should have the right to know who they are.
As people age, medical history starts to be important. It is bad enough having to say "unknown" on the medical history without giving incorrect information because you believe that a adoptive father is your biological father. Then passing that false information down to their own children (No, no heart problems in my family, except I didn't know that my biological dad, granddad, and great granddad all died of heart attacks before they were fifty. No heart worries for me!)
Sometimes people get interested in research in genealogy. It's meaningless to do a lot of research on a "parent" that you are not related to. Then passing that false information down to their own children.
But most importantly, people should be allowed to know who they are. It's not really protecting them to all pretend that they are somebody that they aren't.
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I am her aunt
