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My wife is from a Latin background, and she is one of those people who loves to hug everyone. She is a very touchy feely person, but I am not. I don't like to touch anyone except those I am close to. I told my wife this when we first started dating, and although she thinks that is weird, it was never a big deal until yesterday. Last night, we were at a large group gathering at a wine bar in which we knew only one person. A very obese handsy woman I'd never met was seated next to me. She invaded my personal space repeatedly, bumping her arm against mine, waving her arms in front of me, and generally getting on the nerves of my non touchy huggy self, and we weren't so squished that people had to do that. It was just her. Normally I would have said something, but I didn't want to seem like a witch at a dinner with a bunch of strangers.
My wife and I got up and left the table twice for a few minutes. The first time I told her I didn't like what was happening, and she told me I was making too big of a deal of this, the lady was just being friendly. I sat back down in the same spot and the ordeal continued. After a while I was really hating the whole scene and my wife and I went outside. I told her I either wanted her to switch places with myself and Ms. Rubbing Elbows, I needed a lot more wine, or we needed to leave. Ultimately we decided on the latter, and after we left, my wife said, "You sure can't hide your feelings well, can you? The last 1 1/2 hours you looked completely disgusted and like you were going to slug that woman."
I have noticed that I have had to defend not being a huggy touchy person in the past, as if I'm an anomaly and I should apologize for it. To me hugging (and touching in general) is something one should do with people one is close to. It feels uncomfortable to hug strangers. Are you a hugger? If you are, how do you feel about people who aren't? If you are not a huggy person, do you feel you have to explain yourself to others?
I had many similar situations when working in Latin America for a number of years. I had to finally just forgo the usual hug and kiss greeting which appeared weird to my work contacts.
However, in your case your married to a Latina, don't expect her to understand. Just grin and bear it or remove yourself from the situation. Then come here and vent. It's like arguing about manners in Asia - it is what it is and complaining about it is not accomplishing anything except to annoy your wife.
Am not a fan of hugging just for the sake of hugging. If there is a situation where a very close friend needs emotional comfort, then a hug may be comforting. But to just go around hugging anyone and everyone is nothing I prefer.
One situation that's very difficult for me is when a person (usually a woman) who is marinated in heavy-duty flowery smelling cologne hugs me because the stench ends up on my clothes and skin. Being extremely sensitive to the chemicals in those fragrances, I've had to go home to shower and change clothes, if not I'll end up with a splitting headache.
Another situation I'm not a fan of is when churches dictate that all the congregation turn and greet all of those around them and shake hands. A great way to pass along colds, flu, etc.
I grew up in a family where we literally never touched any other person who was older than about 4 (and that only to dress them, take them out of a high chair, put on a bandaid etc.).
Because I had in effect learned that touching wasn't okay, after I left home, I felt very uncomfortable when people wanted to hug me. But I decided that since others seemed to like it, maybe I could learn to like it too. So I stopped trying to avoid receiving hugs, and although at first it still felt awkward and weird, eventually I got comfortable with hugging others, whether I knew them or not. Now I give great hugs (as in, people I know come up to me and say, "I could really use an irootoo hug right now.").
To me, hugging is a simple way of conveying warmth, affection, or comfort. But I always ask, "Are you a hugger?" before I hug someone for the first time, because I don't want something that is supposed to be a nice experience to be unpleasant for anyone.
As for strangers who invade my personal space, I'm not crazy about it but if I can't easily move, I tend to just focus on someone or something else. If the person is really invading my space, I will sometimes engage them in conversation so they can stop trying so hard to get my attention in nonverbal ways.
But in rereading your post, I am left wondering how the fact that the woman was obese was relevant. Would you have been less uncomfortable if a size 2 "handsy" woman had been waving her arms in front of your face?
Another situation I'm not a fan of is when churches dictate that all the congregation turn and greet all of those around them and shake hands. A great way to pass along colds, flu, etc.
I dislike that as well, but it's not the germ factor. I don't like having to shake hands with multiple people whom I don't know for seemingly no reason. If I were to meet the person as a friend of a friend, fine. I might see the person again. And then you have the hug factor as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by irootoo
To me, hugging is a simple way of conveying warmth, affection, or comfort. But I always ask, "Are you a hugger?" before I hug someone for the first time, because I don't want something that is supposed to be a nice experience to be unpleasant for anyone.
As for strangers who invade my personal space, I'm not crazy about it but if I can't easily move, I tend to just focus on someone or something else. If the person is really invading my space, I will sometimes engage them in conversation so they can stop trying so hard to get my attention in nonverbal ways.
But in rereading your post, I am left wondering how the fact that the woman was obese was relevant. Would you have been less uncomfortable if a size 2 "handsy" woman had been waving her arms in front of your face?
It's really courteous that you ask people this first. Most huggy people don't and automatically assume others are cool with it. As for the obese factor and if this increased my discomfort, I'm not sure, but I don't think so, because I don't like any stranger touching me, whether they are male, female, skinny, or heavy. It made her more likely to touch me because her body was closer to me than other guests were to their neighbors', but she could have scooted over. However, after she had done this several times, I moved my chair closer to my wife's, and she moved her arms over more somehow, because she still touched me.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I'm not a huggy person at all. I can barely tolerate hugging my mother for Christ sake. I don't feel I have to explain my aversion to hugging to anyone, and I'll be happy to remind people.
I'm an Hispanic woman, raised to be very demonstrative. It's part of the culture. But I don't do it with everyone. So, I get your frustration, Scooby. We all have boundaries and they should be respected. I don't think anyone should assume you're OK with that sort of thing.
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