Advice on a Neighbor/Friend who might be "blowing me off" (husband, person)

[Coastal_Mama]

I've never posted in a public forum before about a personal issue, but heck, there is always a first time!

I live in a newer community that isn't too small or too big and have been here a few years. I met a neighbor who doesn't live on my street and we hit it off enough for her to invite my husband and I to an event at her house. We brought over wine and a gift because it was in honor of her husband and had a good time. After that event, we exchanged emails maybe twice saying we would get together for coffee or a walk and then it went silent. No thank you for the gift, nada.

About a year went by and I was over it and ran into her and she wanted to get coffee. We had a "first date" where we got to know each other and we hit it off. So we had dinners together with our families and there was talk of taking trips together, etc. I thought our husbands and kids got along great. Her child has slept over here a few times, etc.

After a few months and up until the present (it's been almost 2 years since we started fraternizing), we've mostly hung out once per week while the kids are in school- lunches, shopping, and coffee.

The dinner invites stopped on her end, but I think mostly because she's very frugal about spending money on other people and invites only occur when she hosts a neighbor gathering at her house (which is rare) or I host something at my house and invite them too.

She is very tight with the neighbors on her street and they all gather very frequently, like 2-3x per week. Including girls night out, dinner out, etc. I have only been included when she rarely hosted an event at her home.

I thought it wasn't a big deal, because this woman calls me more than I call her, almost on a daily basis and vents about everything to me, she has poured her soul out to me and I did the same. She is a few years older than me, but I have kids older than hers and have been married longer, so the age gap is narrowed considerably. We have a lot in common, similar experiences, opinions, etc.

We have some differences too, that I overlooked. Mostly she is a gossip and stopped being friends with several neighbors in her life, but her reasons were totally justified. I recently extended several invitations to her to go to dinner, the beach, and even our community pool. She had excuses for everything. I am getting the distinct feeling that she is trying to cool things off with me considerably and I know she had cosy-ed up to one of her close neighbors. I don't think I did or said anything that offended or angered her, but I think that other than venting our problems to each other and talking about house decor, our relationship hit a rut. Her nor I took the next step to hang out more beyond our initial "get to know you" period and I have overlooked many instances where I should have called her out on some actions. She's very judgemental and I'm sure she gossips about me to her neighbors, just like she gossips about them to me.

My husband and close friends have advised me to not confront her and just keep her as an acquaintance because we still live in the same community and our kids attend the same school. I wanted to discuss where things are between us and either come to an understanding/clarifying our relationship or just go our separate ways without any animosity.

I'm fine with being a sometime coffee buddy, but then don't call me daily to tell me your problems, that's something you do with a close friend. Feeling used and disappointed. Any advice and sorry for the short novel!

[Inkpoe]

Sounds like this "relationship" has always been on her terms. You don't sound like you were ever close. You're worrying too much about things you can't control; let things settle down and lower your expectations for this "friendship". Your neighbor doesn't need to be told to stop calling you, how about YOU not take her calls so much? Some people need dumping grounds to project their negativity (vents, complaints), don't be that for this woman.

[jasmom87]

It is not a friendship, it is a convenience for her. An outlet to tell everything conditional on her time and terms, nothing more. Been there, it took two or three things over a few years to make me realize that I didn't have a friend, I was convenient.

Don't even bother confronting her, move on since you have some social circles. Say hi and let it go.

[Coastal_Mama]

Thanks for the feedback, I just let my guard and filters down with her because I thought we were so similar and familiar with each other, but I realize that maybe I shouldn't have. Venting on both sides wasn't anything shocking, it was pretty benign first world problems.

It's definitely more difficult to make any new REAL friends when your older and I intentionally overlooked so many red flags with her, I guess it's my turn to be more jaded and particular with whom I give my time, attention, and help to.

[Lost Roses]

I agree with your husband and friends - she's an acquaintance, nothing more. When she calls and starts unloading her problems find a reason to cut the conversation short (the dog threw up, there's someone at the door, etc.). I wouldn't push for any "understanding" either, that seems strange. You have complete control over how you're going to carry on this relationship anyway.

[rosebyanothername]

Your "friend" sounds so much like one I had and I posted on this board not long ago and got some great feedback. I am too busy for her now. She never really wanted me for anything other than someone to tell her problems to. When I had something bothering me she would get this (probably unconscious on her part) look on her face, sigh and have this very bored expression. She would wait for me to stop talking and as soon as she could she would turn the subject back around about her. She had even told me that she broke up with a man because he had told her about a problem he was having and she just couldn't deal with him "unloading" on her. Maybe when others besides her have problems (and we all do), she doesn't have the time or energy. That is how this woman was to me.

Consider yourself lucky. Ask her what happened if you want. I will tell you that I have been less stressed and have more energy for people who care about me and don't want to use me. Also the woman I know was a hopeless gossip. I usually do not associate with gossips however, I did feel sorry for her and when she told me of a couple of people who dumped her and she didn't know why, it was hard for me to end it. I tried just being a good friend and listening to her problems and just being there. When she started verbally putting me down for no reason whatsoever other than to air her frustrations and I am very nice and she knows I avoid confrontations, I realized this relationship was affecting my self esteem to such a large degree. When she didn't invite me to a party she recently had, I got even more hurt. I had to get some advice. I came to this board, and the posters on this great site saved me from being used by this woman anymore.

Just my experience. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[jazzcat22]

Coastal mama, she runs too hot and cold. It's like Maya Angelou and Oprah say: "the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." You gave her some second chances and beyond, but you will never be able to count on her. Just be a friendly acquaintance/neighbor who maybe does couples neighborhood things. You sound like too nice a person to have to deal with her.

[AK-Cathy]

I agree with the others.This woman is merely a neighbor/acquaintance and probably in your hope to have a good friend, mistook her overtures, sometime companionship and constant confidences to be more than it was. She's saving the best for someone else. No confrontations. That only works with two people that both want to try to make something work. I don't think she would be interested.

[Gerania]

I agree with everyone else. It doesn't sound as though she has friends; she's working the system. She hangs with this little clique, she gossips, she discards people. She calls you to complain. She probably complains to someone else, too. She probably also has people who do favors for her. It sounds as though she needs some sort of 'I have more friends' headcount. I've known a few people like this, and they really suck you in. They make you feel like a friend, but you're not. It's very confusing.

[tottsieanna]

If she is not interested leave her alone.