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She's (SD) 52 and lives on the west coast. I have not seen her in almost 18 years but her Dad has seen her a few times when he has been there on business.
I've always liked SD but she is a bit "strange". She has a gazillion self-diagnosed food allergies and always travels with her own food. She has a very restricted diet. Eating out together is impossible. Her food cannot be anywhere near our food.....etc and we would be in the same kitchen, probably in shifts.
She will be bringing her special needs 8 year old daughter who has sensory integration disorder and sounds like quite a handful. Her mother has her on the same restricted diet. The way her mother describes her is "extremely active' and "unstable at rest." She is homeschooled and a special-needs sitter will be hired to look after the child while the mother is in business meetings in a city 50 minutes from our home. Her employer is paying for the sitter but only while the mother is there on business.
SD and I are FB friends and we keep up with that , e mail and occasional phone calls. I have way more communication with her than her own father. She is well aware I have health problems, am in an orthopedic boot for at least a year and basically supposed to stay off my feet. I am glad she will be in our area and I look forward to seeing her again but here is the catch.....
When I asked her how long she will be in the area after her business she said: "That depends on how much you want to see me". She has to book her ticket by tonight and wants US to determine how long they should stay. Her Dad was not here when she called and when I explained it to him he was feeling he was put on the spot. Do we say "A nice 2 hour visit over a cup of tea at the airport would be lovely" or do we say "we'll pick you up at the hotel, you can spend two nights with us and then we will take you to the airport"?
Her business will be over Saturday afternoon which leaves Sunday for any away from home activity. Important to add we also have 2 middle school girls who will be in school and have lessons and activities after school. So Monday and Tuesday- or any week day- will mean my husband would need to be running them around, then get home in time to run our girls around.
I know nobody can really answer these questions but it helps to rant a bit. Sad thing is, this might be the last time we see her. Her Dad is 75 and is very busy working part-time and wrangling our kids and taking care of me while I hobble around and my health is very precarious. I don't see us ever making the trip out there to see her and her family and who knows if she will be back this way again.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? I just wish she had said "I will be leaving Tuesday evening and would like to spend Saturday evening untl then with you" But she didn't. In fact she was asking about indoor swimming facilities, ice skating rinks, etc in the area to keep her daughter on the go.
Sorry to hear you're in this situation. By her response it sounds like she was fishing for an invitation to 'stay as long as you want', and that she's planning a mini vacation of sorts. It would be better for her to say how long she intended to stay, and then ask if that is acceptable to you. You may have to be honest and tell her that she needs to limit the length of her visit because of your medical issues. Not much help I know, but don't let her guilt you into an open-ended visit you're not happy with. Good luck.
I suggest something "short & sweet".
Just an idea. Perhaps, the whole family could do something together on Saturday night & Sunday and then she and her dad and her daughter could do something during the day together on Monday (if he can take off of work) and then drive her to the airport or back to her hotel (and she can leave Tuesday morning). Perhaps, you can find someone else to drive your daughters to the Monday & Monday night activities.
If it was me I would not agree to babysit her daughter (while she did things will her Dad) and not invite them to stay at our house.
PS. Don't feel guilty. If your step-daughter had really wanted to visit her father SHE would have made a few trips out east to see him (and didn't wait until he was 75 years old).
Sorry to hear you're in this situation. By her response it sounds like she was fishing for an invitation to 'stay as long as you want', and that she's planning a mini vacation of sorts. It would be better for her to say how long she intended to stay, and then ask if that is acceptable to you. You may have to be honest and tell her that she needs to limit the length of her visit because of your medical issues. Not much help I know, but don't let her guilt you into an open-ended visit you're not happy with. Good luck.
Or exactly the opposite. She may be afraid of overstaying if she indicates a length of time. Since she is out here on business anyway, it sounds as if she may want to take that time to reconnect and especially provide an opportunity for her daughter to have some kind of memories or relationship with you and your family. But isn't quite sure how long or how to do that since clearly, not much of a relationship has been maintained over the years.
I do agree though that whatever her intent, it was awkward and put NK on the spot.
Last edited by maciesmom; 10-09-2015 at 03:15 PM..
PS. Don't feel guilty. If your step-daughter had really wanted to visit her father SHE would have made a few trips out east to see him (and didn't wait until he was 75 years old).
You know...this can go both ways. I would also say that flying roundtrip is expensive - especially for a young family. Especially if it is a single, working parent (not sure if this was the case, but no mention was made of a spouse) and with expenses related to having a special needs child. And traveling with that special needs child. It could certainly be argued that a parent of some means and further along in their career could have made more of an effort as well. I think it's fair to say that both parties could have done more.
And sometimes, when you are busy and don't communicate much, the years can go by and you wake up one day to realize that seemingly all of a sudden, your parent(s) are elderly. Or your kids are grown and grandchildren's lives are passing you by.
Better late than never. At least she's making an attempt.
Last edited by maciesmom; 10-09-2015 at 03:18 PM..
Come on NK, this is your husband's daughter here, not some random stranger. I think you can manage to interact with her for a few days, and put one or two of the girl's activities on hold.
She's (SD) 52 and lives on the west coast. I have not seen her in almost 18 years but her Dad has seen her a few times when he has been there on business.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
PS. Don't feel guilty. If your step-daughter had really wanted to visit her father SHE would have made a few trips out east to see him (and didn't wait until he was 75 years old).
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
You know...this can go both ways. I would also say that flying roundtrip is expensive - especially for a young family. Especially if it is a single, working parent (not sure if this was the case, but no mention was made of a spouse) and with expenses related to having a special needs child. And traveling with that special needs child. It could certainly be argued that a parent of some means and further along in their career could have made more of an effort as well. I think it's fair to say that both parties could have done more.
While it is true that it is difficult to travel with a special needs child, she is now 8 years old, so where was the daughter in the ten years before that? Perhaps, there is a lot more back story but if the OP hasn't seen her in 18 years I'm guessing that the daughter has not come out east to see her father, step-mother and (half or step) siblings in that amount of time.
I do agree that perhaps both sides were a little lax in visiting. But, IMHO, you can't shove 8 to 18 years of bonding into just one visit.
While it is true that it is difficult to travel with a special needs child, she is now 8 years old, so where was the daughter in the ten years before that? Perhaps, there is a lot more back story but if the OP hasn't seen her in 18 years I'm guessing that the daughter has not come out east to see her father, step-mother and (half or step) siblings in that amount of time.
I do agree that perhaps both sides were a little lax in visiting. But, IMHO, you can't shove 8 to 18 years of bonding into just one visit.
And apparently neither has the father (etc) made the effort to travel west. Other than when he was there on business anyway. No special effort though.
To me it is a sad situation all around, going that long without seeing immediate family members - it didn't sound as if they were estranged or anything. NK's daughters have a sister they apparently have never met. It's good that someone is making an effort here at least.
Last edited by maciesmom; 10-09-2015 at 04:14 PM..
I would issue an invitation for one night, saying "we'd love to spend time with y'all. How about stay over Sat. night and we can take you to the airport after lunch on Sunday." No excuses, no long explanations. Just that.
This daughter has an older daughter with her husband. She kept that daughter attached to her hip so long that members of her church choir delicately asked her to put the child AT AGE 5 with the wednesday night church choir sitter rather than continue to bring her to choir practice every single time like she had since the week after she was born. Daughter even made this kid a choir robe so she could sing with the adult choir on Sundays (Can you imagine if every choir member decided to bring their kids to choir practice and expect them to sing with them on Sunday mornings?)
Anyway, daughter was discussing this situation and how hurt she was about the situation with the choir members with her Dad on the phone one time. He very innocently said something like "Well I can see how they would feel this way. Most of those stay-at-home Moms would like a little break from the kids for a few hours a week." He thought she was calling to get his opinion or make a suggestion but apparently not. This set her off so bad that she refused to talk to him for over 4 years. She wouldn't take his calls, answer his letters and he even asked his ex wife how to handle it. Her response was "Don't ask me. She's just now talking to me after 2 years of silence." So you can see how DH is a little gun shy after that freeze-out.
And the kicker is she is a Family Therapist!!!
Finally she acquiesced to resume communication with her father after I encouraged him to not give up. She is the middle child and apparently was terribly hurt by their divorce which was not contentious or nasty. He paid for the first of her 2 weddings and her college education, plus, of course, child support.
So DH and I talked at length how to handle this and he called her back and it was agreed we would pick them up Sunday morning and go to Duke Gardens (with me in my wheelchair). Hoping the weather is nice and I know my girls will enjoy that. A friend has offered the appropriate sized bike, we have Wii, woods to walk in etc and we will take her to the airport Wednesday morning. Zoos, ice skating, swimming or anything with crowds would be too much for her to handle. I understand that.
Thanks to all who offered suggestions and support.
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Her Dad was not here when she called and when I explained it to him he was feeling he was put on the spot. Do we say "A nice 2 hour visit over a cup of tea at the airport would be lovely" or do we say "we'll pick you up at the hotel, you can spend two nights with us and then we will take you to the airport"?
