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I don't think this is weird at all. I go on trips all the time without my husband. He goes without me. Not a big deal. I also have a family trip once a year just with my siblings. I am actually not seeing what the problem is. Is this going to be an issue in the future every time you want to go away alone? I am sorry but to me it's as simple as this...just because you are in a relationship, doesn't mean your spouse needs to be included in every thing that you do. It's really as simple as that. There is no need for all the drama and hurt feelings.
I would definitely go on this trip. If you give in and let spouse go, or cancel the trip, you are setting a precedent that spouse is in charge. Stick to your guns. Be sweet about it, shower them with souvenirs when you return, but don't give in. You don't want to start your marriage with spouse dictating everything.
Oh, for heaven's sake! It isn't about who is in charge. Of course, the OP can do what he wants -- he's an adult. But why would he want to when his wife feels so hurt? It's a partnership, not a dictatorship -- and in a partnership, you're supposed to care about how your partner feels.
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Originally Posted by mochamajesty
I know.
It's obvious some people have not been married.
I guess I believe too much in the 'leave and cleave' concept.
I'm not even religious, but I feel this way as well. My husband is my everything. Of course, I love my parents and my brother. But my true partnership is with the person I have chosen to spend my life with. His needs come first.
Some situations are difficult -- I know a guy, for example, who is practically homeless but whose sister and brother-in-law are self-made and quite "comfortable" financially. Apparently, it's a constant battle because the sister -- understandably -- wants to help her brother when she can. The brother-in-law takes more of a "tough love" approach. In that type of situation, I can see how it can be easy to be trapped in the middle. I wouldn't want to see my brother going hungry or without simple necessities while in a situation in which I could easily help, but I wouldn't want to go against my husband's wishes, either, particularly when they do make sense. Those are difficult triangles in which I can really see both sides.
This situation is different. I cannot imagine ganging up against my husband with my brother and mom to make him feel unwelcome on a trip that I know he would love to go on. It seems so cruel with a very simple solution. Why the OP and his family are so against this solution is incomprehensible for me.
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Originally Posted by OutdoorsyGal
First he says his new wife is hurt and offended being deliberately excluded. This was a concern of his
Now he's morphed right before our eyes into not caring at all. Even turning it into a self entitlement
I would never let my parent treat my spouse this way. I couldn't even go on a vacation knowing he was hurt by my own mother.
Little lone reward my cruel mother by going on vacation with her!
Boy did this lady get a flake of a husband.
He can change his stance on a dime not giving a rats behind about her
No kidding!
My husband is welcome anywhere that I go. Now, there are some places where he might not want to go -- and likewise on my end -- but whether I'm going to my mom's house or am going out for cocktails with a few girlfriends, he can come if he wants to. And anyone who says he isn't welcome has just made me feel unwelcome too.
If he meets his brother for a beer, I probably won't go. If I'm already out and about with him, though, he's not going to go out of his way to take me home first just so that I'm excluded. If he spends the day fishing with his friends, there's no way in hell he's dragging me out there! But if he goes to a football game with the guys, I'm coming along! Not because I'm jealous or insecure or controlling, but because I like football and I don't want to be at home alone while he's having fun at a game! And because it's always understood that if I go somewhere, he can come too. If he goes somewhere, I can come too.
It would be the same thing with a trip. If I have to work or if he's going on a golf trip, then I'm not coming. If he's going on a trip that I really want to go on, though, you better well believe that I'm coming too! I wouldn't even ask if I were welcome, because it would be understood. And I can assure you that if his family or friends ever made me feel unwelcome -- either indirectly or with a flat-out, "I'd rather she not come" -- then I know they would get quite the talking-to from him! And vice versa!
Is this really so strange?
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Originally Posted by ss20ts
You got married a month ago and you're already planning a cross country trip without your spouse? That's just cold! It's one thing if you've been married for 10 years, but a month and you're already planning to go away? Unless it's work related, that's just odd. Of course, your spouse is jealous! Have you put yourself in his/her shoes?
Agreed! And frankly, if I were the wife, I would want to show him how it feels...and that's just not a good way to start out a marriage
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Originally Posted by Mikala43
That's kinda the thing. How would I feel if my family took a trip without me? Like I'm not family.
Maybe it's a personal thing, my family is my family. Family stuff was everyone in the family. Heck, I was only family by marriage, but I was always family. Double heck, DH passed away and I'm still included in family events.
OP hasn't addressed questions: why the counseling because of his family, will this reduce vacation time he can spend with wife, WHY our spouses not included, did they even have a honeymoon?
Not enough info. People usually ignore questions when they don't feel comfortable answering them.
Exactly! Your spouse is your family, too. Arguably more your family than your parents.
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Originally Posted by ss20ts
I get ignored and blown off by my in-laws constantly. Have the entire time I've been married and we've been married for 19 years. I can't tell you how old it has gotten. My youngest sister-in-law just got married. Her entire family was in the wedding party - including in-laws and friends - except for me. She wouldn't speak to me about the wedding. I know why now! Even her new sisters-in-law were in the wedding party. She's know them for less than a year. I've known her for over 20 years. She was a little girl when I started dating her brother. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding. And this is how I'm treated after all these years. I was hated before we got married. It's only gotten worse over the years.....not better. I stole their brother....ummm if you think so since I was dating someone else when he started to pursue me. He also asked me to get married not the other way around......but hey whatever makes you happy in fantasy land.
How awful. I can't imagine how all of that makes you feel. I would be so hurt. Has your husband ever talked to his family about this?
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Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00
That is what I'm having issues with. A lot of posters keep saying "But its a family trip..." as if his wife is not family. I'm not even married to my SO, but he is still a part of my family. I would never dream of going on a "family only" vacation without him. And my family would never let such a thing happen.
I figured the OP was male and was going on vacation with a sister and mother. He is obviously very close to these two women, so why wouldn't he want his wife to be close to them as well? A cross country vacation would be the perfect opportunity for everyone to bond and feel more like a family. This could help solve some of the issues his wife is having with his family. She might not feel included, and feels like an outsider. Being excluded from a "family only" vacation would make her feel even more excluded.
Exactly!
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Originally Posted by Marlow
Yes and especially to the bolded. I also wonder why Mom and Sis aren't lobbying to have Wife along on the trip. I'm trying to imagine the scenario if my brother had contemplated taking a similar trip with me and our mom. My first words would have been "Why isn't Amy coming along?"
If he meets his brother for a beer, I probably won't go. If I'm already out and about with him, though, he's not going to go out of his way to take me home first just so that I'm excluded. If he spends the day fishing with his friends, there's no way in hell he's dragging me out there! But if he goes to a football game with the guys, I'm coming along! Not because I'm jealous or insecure or controlling, but because I like football and I don't want to be at home alone while he's having fun at a game! And because it's always understood that if I go somewhere, he can come too. If
Is this really so strange?
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each to his own...but it is really that hard to understand that sometimes people want guy time, or girl time or yes even time with the family you grew up with alone on a trip? Here is an example, my husband and I both love San Diego. But if I want to go there with my sister, he is not going to throw a fit because I am going to a place we both love without him. He would get that I wanted some girl time with my sister and know that we will go another time. I am sorry but I still don't see the need for all this drama and upset over doing things separately. Why would you as a wife want to feel welcome for a guys night? A guys night is supposed to be just that, a guys night. .
The OP said his sister wouldn't participate in wedding activities if her own friends weren't going to be there.
That seems like more than keeping a new family member at arms-length. That seems like active dislike.
Very much so! Seems like there's a LOT going on that the OP hasn't shared in this thread. It sounds like a really rough way to start off a marriage. If this is how it started, wow they are in for a long, hard road. I feel for the wife. It's very hard living with in-laws that hate you especially when you live down the street and your husband hasn't cut the apron strings.
The OP said his sister wouldn't participate in wedding activities if her own friends weren't going to be there.
That seems like more than keeping a new family member at arms-length. That seems like active dislike.
I'm willing to bet that's why the OP was trying to go gender neutral in pretense of looking for unbiased opinions. He's completely downplaying that active dislike the sister and mother has for the new wife.
OP, you can go if you like, but realize you are setting for a tone that's going to be very unfavorable in the long run.
I think that you should go on the trip- it is a milestone birthday for your mother and you have been planning it before you got married. It doesn't seem to be a long trip (3 days in a place, with two traveling days). Would you mind telling us where this place is?
Did your wife always want to go there or is she just saying that to make you feel guilty?-yes, I can be that cynical. If she always did want to go there, why didn't you go there on your honeymoon since this trip was in the planning stages before your wedding and she knew where you would be going. If she really wanted to go to the place, she might have suggested it for your honeymoon).
That being said.............
When you come back from your trip, you need to sit down and figure out if you really do spend to much time with your family of origin. True, your mother is older and divorced but does she not have a life outside of you and your sibling? Why does she spend the majority of the year with your sister? Must you see her every week? The counseling that you are in now should have been done before you got married if you noticed that there was tension between your mother and sister and new wife. Some amount of tension and worry is normal when someone new is coming into a family and trying to fit in but it shouldn't be this hard. My aunt said once that she was glad that her siblings spouses didn't try to interfere with the relationships that the siblings had with each other- but they didn't spend every week together either. Your wife is your new family now and your mother and sister have to realize that.
I'm willing to bet that's why the OP was trying to go gender neutral in pretense of looking for unbiased opinions. He's completely downplaying that active dislike the sister and mother has for the new wife.
If that's true, if his birth family is that insular, he might as well go on the trip.
Because this is only going to end one way eventually, no matter what he does.
I'm not even religious, but I feel this way as well. My husband is my everything. Of course, I love my parents and my brother. But my true partnership is with the person I have chosen to spend my life with. His needs come first.
Some situations are difficult -- I know a guy, for example, who is practically homeless but whose sister and brother-in-law are self-made and quite "comfortable" financially. Apparently, it's a constant battle because the sister -- understandably -- wants to help her brother when she can. The brother-in-law takes more of a "tough love" approach. In that type of situation, I can see how it can be easy to be trapped in the middle. I wouldn't want to see my brother going hungry or without simple necessities while in a situation in which I could easily help, but I wouldn't want to go against my husband's wishes, either, particularly when they do make sense. Those are difficult triangles in which I can really see both sides.
This situation is different. I cannot imagine ganging up against my husband with my brother and mom to make him feel unwelcome on a trip that I know he would love to go on. It seems so cruel with a very simple solution. Why the OP and his family are so against this solution is incomprehensible for me.
Great post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by canadiangirl_2015
If he meets his brother for a beer, I probably won't go. If I'm already out and about with him, though, he's not going to go out of his way to take me home first just so that I'm excluded. If he spends the day fishing with his friends, there's no way in hell he's dragging me out there! But if he goes to a football game with the guys, I'm coming along! Not because I'm jealous or insecure or controlling, but because I like football and I don't want to be at home alone while he's having fun at a game! And because it's always understood that if I go somewhere, he can come too. If
Is this really so strange?
----------------------------------
each to his own...but it is really that hard to understand that sometimes people want guy time, or girl time or yes even time with the family you grew up with alone on a trip? Here is an example, my husband and I both love San Diego. But if I want to go there with my sister, he is not going to throw a fit because I am going to a place we both love without him. He would get that I wanted some girl time with my sister and know that we will go another time. I am sorry but I still don't see the need for all this drama and upset over doing things separately. Why would you as a wife want to feel welcome for a guys night? A guys night is supposed to be just that, a guys night. .
None of this has nothing to do with the OP's situation.
I saw nothing about "throwing a fit". The OP's wife has never been to this place and, according to the OP always wanted to go. The OP, as far as I know, has never been either. I can totally understand the wife wanting to go along.
This isn't a simple football game or a guy's night.
Perhaps it wouldn't seem strange to you if you wouldn't compare apples to oranges.
How awful. I can't imagine how all of that makes you feel. I would be so hurt. Has your husband ever talked to his family about this?
Yup, my husband has spoken with them numerous times over the years about how they treat both of us. It's like talking to a brick wall. After this wedding, I've severed ties with his family. That was the final straw....that and being blown off for Christmas last year. Here we are almost 11 months later and we still have a dust stack of Christmas gifts for his family. They're all being donated now. I've moved on. I'm soooooo happy that now I live a few hours away. It was like this when we lived 20 minutes away....how dare we not live in the same town as his family...well we couldn't afford that town when we got married and no one gave us a house to live in unlike the 2 sisters. It's super easy to live in a very expensive suburb when you get a free or dirt cheap house!
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Oh, for heaven's sake! It isn't about who is in charge. Of course, the OP can do what he wants -- he's an adult. But why would he want to when his wife feels so hurt? It's a partnership, not a dictatorship -- and in a partnership, you're supposed to care about how your partner feels.
