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A lot of good advise given you and agree with it all. Many families have the village jerk and all are made to feel as they are responsible. Get with your family pre or post Christmas. Learn to yes NO firming and ignore the shaming from the family. If you have to change your phone number but definitely block this idiot.
Part of the guilt and reasoning is that what if one day I needed her for something if I was in a bind or bad situation. Yes, I have a husband, but anything could happen to one or both of us at anytime. And then what? I would possibly need help from family. We have no kids right now. I just think of things like that. I know I have to set boundries though.
Maybe she's just sick. Mentally.
Maybe she is frightened, and striking out, because her mind is not put together as well as it used to be.
Compassion goes a long way. I read your post OP, it is not your obligation. But if she is seeking out your help, she must have something in her heart that sees you as refuge.
If you want to unburden yourself from this, do so lightly.
When I spoke to her the other day, she said that either her insurance or her doctor said that Rehab will not knee replacement surgery so she won't be able to go there. She said if she was having both knees done, then maybe she could go. So she will be in the hospital for 4-5 days. Then her recovery will be like 8 weeks or something!! She lives alone. My mom and her other sister are coming down for a few days then leaving. So maybe I should visit one day once she is at home or maybe at the hospital, and then after that be done with it? I know she is going to ask me to do a million different errands for her whatever time I stop by....ugggh
Your aunt LIES, why don't you think she is lying now? (Just in this thread, you have mentioned her lying about food and AAA.) Do not fall for it.
You may end up looking like the bad guy, but you have to take control of your life back! Did you say she is 65? She could live for another 20 years at least. I can imagine the lies she will tell so she can live with you and not go to a nursing home when the time comes.
I think the best way to get through to your mom is to not show up for Christmas. How far away does your mom live, anyhow?
Part of the guilt and reasoning is that what if one day I needed her for something if I was in a bind or bad situation. Yes, I have a husband, but anything could happen to one or both of us at anytime. And then what? I would possibly need help from family. We have no kids right now. I just think of things like that. I know I have to set boundries though.
What makes you think she will help you? I honestly don't think she would. Find friends and build your own support network.
Oh boy do I understand your pain rere900. I was in the same boat when an elderly friends husband died. It started when she closed her husbands checking account before all of the checks cleared and she bounced a check to the IRS. She called me hysterical because the IRS was after her. I drove nearly an hour to her house and I asked her which bank she had another friend go to to write the new check to the IRS via money order that the IRS said they never received and she didn't know. She yelled and screamed at me to write another one for the amount owed because "I've already worried that $500+ dollars worth." I said no, lets try to retrace your friends steps and see if the bank you normally do business with has a copy of the cancelled money order. It was there and I made a copy for the IRS with a letter and made a copy for her to keep in a safe place. All the hysterics, all the neediness was just the tip of the ice burg. I was out there every week balancing her check book, cleaning her gutters, painting her walls. It got to the point that as soon as I walked in the door she would hand me something to do. I helped her for nearly two years before it totally ended and I never saw her again. John was out helping her as well many times and she said something negative about him that was uncalled for. I used to drive to her house and back on every holiday that I wasn't working so she wouldn't be alone and she had the nerve to act like some spoiled, entitled brat. Oh no you don't. You can treat me like a servant but you can not say or do anything to the love of my life and get away with it. The relief I felt having her out of our lives was both happy and sad. She was the woman that should have been my mother and her husband was the man that should have been my father. I felt really bad for turning my back on her but when is enough enough? Answer: When you simply can't take another minute of it.
Fast forward to about three years ago when I met a friend who is only ten years older then I am but also very sick. She is in over her head with this dog that is going to seriously hurt her or someone else. I have this nice bond with it so guess who gets stuck taking it to the vet. I volunteered to help her by repairing a huge hole in her wall caused by a window that wasn't properly installed to save her the $500 dollars someone else wanted to charge her. It took a week. She is delusional and insists that someone is breaking in her house who has a key. John changed her back door locks and her dog almost bit him. I was able to control it before she did any damage. This dog is the size of a pony. Now she called and asked if I could help her install yet another security system. I found someone who could install the first one she bought but she never followed through. This one involves a lot of computer work and since I'm technotard I would have to ask John, which I WILL NOT DO! We had a nice snow a couple of weeks ago and we stopped and shoveled her walk in the front and cleaned off her car. She never even asked if we did it or mentioned it. She doesn't get along with her neighbors and I'm pretty sure she knows that they wouldn't do it for her. I see this cycle starting again but this time I'm smart enough to back away. I will watch her dog for her if she goes to her sons for Christmas, but only because I'm very attached to her pets and would love some quality time with them. I'm also attached to my friend but I will not allow anyone to use me the way my elderly friend did. If you don't have any kind of relationship with your Aunt rere900 then don't allow her to groom you into being her personal slave and whipping board like I did with my first elderly friend. If you want some kind of relationship with your Aunt then set some strict boundaries. I'm all for helping people in need but not if you offer them a hand and they want the whole arm.
Part of the guilt and reasoning is that what if one day I needed her for something if I was in a bind or bad situation. Yes, I have a husband, but anything could happen to one or both of us at anytime. And then what? I would possibly need help from family. We have no kids right now. I just think of things like that. I know I have to set boundries though.
This sounds just like my great aunt...accept for the drinking part. She never had kids & her husband died years ago. My mother & her siblings were left to take care of her when she was pretty old. She would call my mom in the middle of the night for crazy things, like asking her to buy her makeup.
She was embarrassing to be around too, not due to alcohol but because she had no 'filter.' She would ask me or my cousins in front of everyone if we gained wait, or why does your hear look like that on a bad hair day, etc. In the end, we all learned to give it right back to her and then we would all laugh about it (including her). For example, she asked my mother why her stomach was so big. My mother's answer: "I had 3 children, what's YOUR excuse??" She laughed and never made a comment like that to her again.
Unfortunately, if you want to remain close with your mother, you will have to put up with her bad behavior when you see her in person. When she calls you, hit IGNORE. If she manages to get a hold of you and asks for something, tell her NO.
Part of the guilt and reasoning is that what if one day I needed her for something if I was in a bind or bad situation. Yes, I have a husband, but anything could happen to one or both of us at anytime. And then what? I would possibly need help from family. We have no kids right now. I just think of things like that. I know I have to set boundries though.
I wouldn't count on her for help if you were in a bind or bad situation. She doesn't seem to be capable of helping herself, much less anyone else.
Part of the guilt and reasoning is that what if one day I needed her for something if I was in a bind or bad situation. Yes, I have a husband, but anything could happen to one or both of us at anytime. And then what? I would possibly need help from family. We have no kids right now. I just think of things like that. I know I have to set boundries though.
What are the odds she would actually do anything for you? Likely zilch.
Build your own support network in your community. Even if you had to hire help in an emergency, you would likely get more caring assistance than from a self-absorbed drunk, even if that drunk is a relative.
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