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My aunt (mother's younger sister) moved to the city where me and my husband live, maybe 5-6 years ago. She is single, 65 years, with no husband, boyfriend, or kids. To make this extremely long story short, I'm am up to my wits end with this woman. Since day one she has been one of the most difficult and dependable persons I've had to deal with. She is rude, defensive, can't control herself or actions when drinking, ALWAYS late, questions my every move, questions my actions with my husband, does not like when not included, gets upset when I don't answer my phone, wants to depend on me for many things and gets upset when I say no. She has mild depression. This is just a very general description of her traits, the real situations I would have to go into much more detail to explain.
I have spoken to my mom about this so many times and nothing changes. When I speak to my aunt about how I fell, she gets angry then hangs up the phone. Next thing I know, my mom is inviting her over for Christmas or other events, so I'm back in the mix. She is having surgery in Feb, so I have this feeling I will get called numerous times for different things. I feel like I'm babysitting an adult, but she is not my responsibility. My mom, her three other sibling, and my sister all live in different states, so they don't have to deal with anything.
Can anyone relate or have advice on how to handle a situation like this?
Tell her you are done dealing with her and stop answering her calls.
Tell your mother and her other siblings you are done dealing with problem aunt, then stop dealing with her.
People can only take advantage of you if you let them. Tell her no and make it stick. Do not engage in conversations with her. Do not make excuses. Do not offer explanations. As long as you continue to interact with her, she will continue to manipulate you. Just tell her no, then stop talking to her.
If you don't have caller ID, get it, then just don't answer when she calls. If your phone allows you to block numbers, block her calls. Do whatever you need to do to reclaim your life.
How should I handle Christmas at my mom's house? I told my mom I would prefer if she not invite her, but she did anyway and also said that it's possible alcohol may be served. So basically, my aunt will start acting a fool and talking all kinds of s**t. Then in February she is having hip replacement surgery, and I already know that once she is out of the hospital and family leaves it will be just me and my husband. She will call saying she needs help with all this stuff. Do I not help her then? I feel bad, but it's just getting uncontrollable.
This past weekend, my mom was able to get free tix to a concert we really want to go too. So she also got tickets for my aunt, so of course she was there and was drinking. When I found out, I really didn't even want to go, but did anyway. Her actions were so embarrassing, that I almost lost my mind. I'm fed up, so that's one reason I'm on here.
How should I handle Christmas at my mom's house? I told my mom I would prefer if she not invite her, but she did anyway and also said that it's possible alcohol may be served. So basically, my aunt will start acting a fool and talking all kinds of s**t. Then in February she is having hip replacement surgery, and I already know that once she is out of the hospital and family leaves it will be just me and my husband. She will call saying she needs help with all this stuff. Do I not help her then? I feel bad, but it's just getting uncontrollable.
This past weekend, my mom was able to get free tix to a concert we really want to go too. So she also got tickets for my aunt, so of course she was there and was drinking. When I found out, I really didn't even want to go, but did anyway. Her actions were so embarrassing, that I almost lost my mind. I'm fed up, so that's one reason I'm on here.
Christmas, just leave when she starts acting up. Let you mom know that's why you are leaving.
Let your aunt know ahead of time you won't be helping her after her surgery so she will have to make other plans. And then don't help her.
How should I handle Christmas at my mom's house? I told my mom I would prefer if she not invite her, but she did anyway and also said that it's possible alcohol may be served. So basically, my aunt will start acting a fool and talking all kinds of s**t. Then in February she is having hip replacement surgery, and I already know that once she is out of the hospital and family leaves it will be just me and my husband. She will call saying she needs help with all this stuff. Do I not help her then? I feel bad, but it's just getting uncontrollable.
This past weekend, my mom was able to get free tix to a concert we really want to go too. So she also got tickets for my aunt, so of course she was there and was drinking. When I found out, I really didn't even want to go, but did anyway. Her actions were so embarrassing, that I almost lost my mind. I'm fed up, so that's one reason I'm on here.
You had control of that. You chose to go anyway. Make different choices.
If you don't answer the phone when she calls, you don't have to deal with her. Make sure her siblings know you will not be providing assistance after her surgery, then follow through. Don't answer the phone. Decline all requests for assistance. No one can do that for you. You're going to have to say no and make it stick yourself.
You can choose not to go to your mother's house for Christmas. Or you can ignore your aunt when she starts behaving badly and simply refuse to engage in conversation with her. You cannot control how she behaves, but you can control how you react to it. Simply refuse to engage with her or give her the reaction or response she wants. What happens after that is her problem.
Getting her off your back is not going to be an easy or comfortable experience. If you really want to be rid of the burden, you are going to have to experience some discomfort. Eventually she will get the message, though, and you should have more peace.
Why is this woman always late- it means you have invited her somewhere.. Why is she in your and your husband's business. It means she has been invited into your life. Why are you calling your mom asking her to do something about it ? It means you are taking no responsibility for what is happening.
You and you alone have got to take control over what is happening with your relationship with your aunt. She is not an old woman - she is simply clinging because she seems to have no friends. That is not your problem.
As Chaofan already suggested- let phone calls go to voice mail. Do not respond to emails for a long, long time. Ignore texts similarly. Do not invite your aunt anywhere. Tell your mom that you decide who gets invited to your home. Mom cannot invite without your permission. If your aunt gets mad, let her. Don't worry about her anger.
You've got to do this if you want control of your life. You can't keep letting yourself be manipulated.
As for her hip surgery. Let it be known from known from now that you can't help her. After the hospital, rather than go home quickly, she will have to go to a rehab facility for some time until she is walkable and ready to go home. Then the discharge planner can set her up with visiting nurses, help, etc. You don't have to do it.
Christmas, just leave when she starts acting up. Let you mom know that's why you are leaving.
Let your aunt know ahead of time you won't be helping her after her surgery so she will have to make other plans. And then don't help her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind
Take Chaofan's excellent advice above.
Why is this woman always late- it means you have invited her somewhere.. Why is she in your and your husband's business. It means she has been invited into your life. Why are you calling your mom asking her to do something about it ? It means you are taking no responsibility for what is happening.
You and you alone have got to take control over what is happening with your relationship with your aunt. She is not an old woman - she is simply clinging because she seems to have no friends. That is not your problem.
As Chaofan already suggested- let phone calls go to voice mail. Do not respond to emails for a long, long time. Ignore texts similarly. Do not invite your aunt anywhere. Tell your mom that you decide who gets invited to your home. Mom cannot invite without your permission. If your aunt gets mad, let her. Don't worry about her anger.
You've got to do this if you want control of your life. You can't keep letting yourself be manipulated.
As for her hip surgery. Let it be known from known from now that you can't help her. After the hospital, rather than go home quickly, she will have to go to a rehab facility for some time until she is walkable and ready to go home. Then the discharge planner can set her up with visiting nurses, help, etc. You don't have to do it.
While my family usually "helps each other out", your situation is not a healthy or normal one, so IMHO get out, now.
Tell your aunt, tell your mom, tell everyone that you are done helping. DO NOT get "sucked in" to helping your aunt after her hip surgery. Something like that could be many weeks of having her live with you and months of daily assistance. Let someone else handle it. She is NOT your responsibility.
Your aunt is an alcoholic. Does her orthopedist know that? If not, she could go into alcohol withdrawal after the surgery. Make sure someone in the family lets her doctor know. If she has no one to stay with her after the surgery, she needs to be in a physical rehab center with someone to monitor her alcohol withdrawal.
Let your mother know you are not going to be taking care of her.
You seem to have issues with saying no and you seem to care way too much about "being embarrassed" by your aunts behavior when it doesn't really affect you. If your aunt gets drunk at Christmas, ignore her, move to another room and/or leave the party and let your mom deal with her. If she goes to a concert with you and gets drunk, ignore her during the concert and make sure she knows ahead of time that she needs to get her own ride home. After surgery, if she calls and wants help, tell her No and that you are busy. Get caller ID and don't answer when she calls. If she leaves a message, call her back a day or two later so she gets used to you not being available right away when she calls.
She's not your responsibility and if you don't like spending time with her then don't invite her to anything. If someone else invites her to a family gathering, ignore her and let your mother and other family members deal with her.
Last edited by patches403; 12-01-2015 at 11:11 AM..
How should I handle Christmas at my mom's house? I told my mom I would prefer if she not invite her, but she did anyway and also said that it's possible alcohol may be served. So basically, my aunt will start acting a fool and talking all kinds of s**t. Then in February she is having hip replacement surgery, and I already know that once she is out of the hospital and family leaves it will be just me and my husband. She will call saying she needs help with all this stuff. Do I not help her then? I feel bad, but it's just getting uncontrollable.
This past weekend, my mom was able to get free tix to a concert we really want to go too. So she also got tickets for my aunt, so of course she was there and was drinking. When I found out, I really didn't even want to go, but did anyway. Her actions were so embarrassing, that I almost lost my mind. I'm fed up, so that's one reason I'm on here.
You need to learn to say no. Stop going wherever your aunt is going to be; that means Christmas too. Tell your mother you've had enough and you aren't your aunt's caretaker. Period.
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